April 26th, 2004

(no subject)

dear friends,

      I'm sorry I can't be a better friend. please don't feel like I'm using you.. I'm not. you may have been used but it wasn't by me. it sounds awful but I don't need to use you. you have nothing for me anymore. I'm different now and I think you're starting to see that. I know I am. you say you're worried, but you shouldn't be. I can take care of myself. I can catch myself when I fall, and I don't need you. I need space.

I used to hate people who changed, who left all their old friends behind. now I can understand them. you make me claustrophobic. I'm sick of the same people, the same jokes, the same laughs and the same voices. I can't be with you guys anymore. I don't want to be, at least. we have no common ground. I'm changing, and you aren't. I'll stick around for a little longer, probably. but once I get my new friends in place, I'll be gone. I'm an awful person, I know.. I have no regret, no guilt, because I'm not a good person. I don't deserve you. I'm not sure I ever did. goodbye.

</3 me.

we're not 21 but the sooner we are, the sooner the fun will begin. so get out your fake eyelashes and fake i.d.s and real disasters ensue. it's cool to take these chances, it's cool to fake romances.. and grow up fast, and grow up fast, and grow up fast.

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(no subject)

Dear love,
And it's all in how you mix the two
And it starts just where the light exists
It's a feeling that you cannot miss
And it burns a hole
through everyone that feels it

Well your never gonna find it
If your looking for it
won't come your way
Well you'll never find it
if your looking for it

Should've done something, but I've done it enough
By the way, your hands were shaking
Rather waste some time with you

And you never would have thought in the end
How amazing it feels just to live again
It's a feeling that you cannot miss
it burns a hole, through everyone that feels it

Well you're never gonna find it
If your looking for it, won't come your way, yea
Well you'll never find it, if you're looking for it

Should've done something, but I've done it enough
By the way, your hands were shaking
Rather waste some time with you

Should've said something, but I've said it enough
By the way, my words were faded
Rather waste some time with you

Time with you...
Waste some time with you...

Should've done something, but I've done it enough
By the way, your hands were shaking
Rather waste my time with you

Should've said something, but I've said it enough
By the way, my words were faded
Rather waste my time with you

Should've done something, but I've done it enough
By the way, your hands were shaking
Rather waste some time with you


yours always,
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Hippy Colony 1

Dear Chris,

I wish I could make you less stressed out. It's been a hard couple of weeks for you, and I know that you aren't telling me all that's on your mind. I want you to know that I still love you and I will always have my phone on for any spare minute you have to call me.
I wish I had more time to be with you. I could help you sort things out and give you something to be happy about, because you've been so.... I don't know. Different, I guess. Not like I've been much better. I love you I love you I love you I love you. It will get less hectic soon, sweet. Don't worry.
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    sympathetic sympathetic

Dear Mom,

It's been 2 years. It feels like so much longer. Not only does this day suck because it's just another reminder that you aren't here with us anymore, but I'm sick. All I want when I'm sick is you. I want you to come rub my back like you used to or just to have you sit in the living room with me and watch tv and ask if I need anything. Life without you isn't the same anymore. I had a dream about you and I wanted so much for it to be real and I woke up I thought it was real and I thought you were going to walk into the living room this morning to wake me up to see if I wanted to go to school today or stay home. Prom is this weekend and I may not have a date anymore, but I could have one, but either way I wish you were here to see me go off to my first prom at my school. I guess what I'm trying to say is I miss you mom and I wish you were here. I'm sorry that we couldn't fight the cancer and it took you away from us, but I know you're always in my heart and everywhere I go I'm always thinking about you. I love you Mom!

swing life away


dear ****,

i cant believe it. after all u and your ex girlfriend have been through, she still says she loves u. but if she really did, would she hurt u so many times? i just found out today that she still loves u, and im sorry but i hope u dont feel the same. how much pain can u take? please dont fall for this again, please dont say that u still lover her too. like ive said before, i love u as more then just a friend, but this is NOT jelously, this is love coming from my heart. i want u to be happy, but with ANYONE else but her. after all she put u through, i would hope by now u can make the right choice. even if u dont feel the same way about me as i do u, please find anyone else but her. and please dont make this hurt me more to know u picked HER over me. but whatever happens i will always care for u.

<3 your best friend
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|| · · · »

dear rebecca,

fuck you fuck you fuck you
i don't believe you.
you say you guys get along. you say you guys like each other. but i can see right through it. i do! i see! you're both lying just to make me happy. you fucking hate him, or you at least have a horrid distaste for him, i can see it in your eyes.

all this being nice to each other. it's fake. fake fake fake, i know it, don't lie to me. don't you fucking lie. i can't stand being there when you guys are around one another, i don't believe this niceness. when i see you being nice to him, to me it's just doing something nice so it looks like you like him.

i know you don't! i know it!!
don't call me fucking crazy. i'm not. i'm not. fuck you.
all this "i let him borrow this" and "i gave him a ride home" and "we even agreed we like each other, and we hugged, ashley! really, we like each other, we do. we get along." don't bullshit me like that. fake. all of it. a big scheme, a big lie. for me.

i know all the evidence is pointing to "ashley, you're just being crazy" i'm sure even anyone reading this letter is thinknig that. "ashley, you're overreacting"

but i don't trust you anymore, rebecca. i stopped trusting you a long time ago.
and it killed me today when amanda told me what you said. she told me that when you talked to her, you told her that i said "i don't want to hang out with you this weekend" in the most cruel voice.
let me make this clear.
and an upset
"rebecca, i don't really feel like doing anything if i'm not going to the concert. sorry."

so fuck you fuck you FUCK YOU.
seeing you makes me tense. makes me nervous. i start freaking out. "don't pay too much attention to cris!!" i tell myself. "she'll get jealous and angry and accuse you of liking him more than you again!"

you know. i certainly do like him more. now i do.
i don't have the heart to tell you.
that cris doesn't accuse me of anything. he doesn't get jealous when i give others attention. he doesn't get pissed off when i don't include him in everything i do.

so just for the record,
just so you know.

love, ashley
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swing life away

continued from "boy"

dear ****,

i cant believe it, but it happened. i could see it coming and yet i didnt act in the few hours i had. u picked HER over me. u could have picked anyone else but her and i wouldnt be as hurt, but no u picked HER. i cant believe u fell for this again. this is what, your 8th time going out? and yet u still havent learned. if only u knew how much i cared for u and how much i tried to show u how i felt without actually saying anything and hoping u would get the hints. but u never knew, and i guess you'll never know. i wish u knew how much this hurts, to see u still in "love" with her. i wish i could be happy for u but i cant, its all lies. i guess all i can do is act like i never cared and hope the pain goes away soon.

</3 from this shattered heart
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Dear Francis,
I've never had some one make me feel the way you do. You make me feel like I'm 5 and you are my new puppy. My awesomely cool new puppy. I can say anything to do and you just say the same things. Its great. Your great. If I could I would never leave your side. I'm sure you wouldn't want that. But I don't care. You made my washington trip worth going to. Thanks.
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