April 25th, 2004

i'm not...

(no subject)

When you were here before, couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel, your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control
I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice, when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here, ohhh ohhhh

She's running out again....
She's running out, she's run, run, run, run....run....

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here


You and I

Try to read between these lines,
Try to feel what I feel inside,
Try to see the bigger picture,
Try to look below the surface,

And look deeper into my eyes,
So I know that these aren’t lies,
And feel this pain that I have inside,
So I know that you feel the same too,

Voices deep within,
That try to claw their ways on to the surface,
To break free from the spell that binds them all together,
Only to be suppressed,

Who are you to judge?
Who are you to criticize?
Who are you to tell me what to do?
Who are you to try to break me?

And when you look into the mirror,
Do you realize that it’s me?
Because we aren’t so different from one another,
As I am you and you are me
Masuimi Max www.vivaspinups.com

(no subject)


I'm sorry for so many things, but being in love with you is not one of them. I feel like such a bitch. I will never know why I tried to tell you about D so causally, but I do know that you saying "well if you're happy then I'm happy" made me question my own happiness so deeply that I've been crying off and on for four days. Friday night when I went to see Eternal Sunshine with D, I couldn't stop wishing it was you that had his arm around my shoulders. I tried so hard to fight those tears and I almost won.

I like him.
I love you.

I don't know if love is something that comes simply with time, but I don't have time to fall all over again before going to college, I don't even know how much time it would take to bury my feelings for you.

How am I supposed to get past my first love? I seem so stupid to those who haven't been there, still holding on. It's been months and I am still miserable without you. You are the only thing that can make me cry. I'm just hoping that someday it either works out or I find myself over you.

I love you.
then give you control, I'd rather die

Has anyone seen lightning?

Dear ******,

You know what? Fuck you. What business do you have leading me on for the whole school year and today when I IMed you asking me to not talk to you or have anything to do with you anymore? Why aren't these words you could have said to me back in November? What the hells gone up your ass? I'm sorry, but I feel I do not deserve living my life this way...

I really loved you....I cared for you more then the majority of your friends did. I tried my best to help you out of your shyness and to help raise your self esteem. You said you had a ton of respect for me, but honestly you have none; otherwise you would have never said to me what you said tonight.

I knew things were a bit odd the last few weeks...but never did I, or anyone else, think it would come to this. You've done this so many times to me, came so close then ran so far, it's not even funny. I do not appreciated playing these games with you, I think it'd be better if you went and fucked yourself while I continue living my life and found someone who could treat me with more respect; I do not deserve to be spit upon by you.

I understand the way the words came out were not even at all mean. I am also suprising not angry with you, don't feel sad about what happened, actually I don't know what I feel about it. I'm pretty much apathetic to what just happened. Maybe it's good I have some kind of closure on all this, and now I can stop wasting my precious energy on you and can put it towards the people who actually deserve it.

I hope in the long run this is what makes you happy, because I am done with this; try coming back after 3 months again, who knows, I may not be here with open arms anymore. I may actually find someone who loves me for me, and doesn't make me go through hell just to get some kind of caring. You're one confused teenage boy that doesn't know what they want, but you know what, time's running out and after almost 2 years, this girl is getting sick of being tormented by your contradicting words and actions. This is like the fifth time you've done this to me....and each time, I was either gently forgiving or fell for your stupid ways of making me not angry. I really don't want to fall for it again, because deep down I know that even if or when you do come back, after a while you'll run off again....and this vicious cycle will only repeat again...

You know what? While your out there, alone and free heres some advice to you; grow up. You'll never get anyone to care about you if you contiue living this way...I wouldn't be suprised if you wound up alone, family and friendless, when you get older. No one is going to want to tolerate what you put people through, a lot of people aren't as patient as I am....So many people strongly hate you at school, even some of your friends aren't really your friends; I've heard them talking shit about you....

But who am I to try to help? Who am I to say what they do to you? Until you can love yourself and not care what your friends think about you and I being friends, this isn't going to work. I understand in your mind right now, I pretty much ruin your image, because I am nothing like you. I have to say, for someone who claims to be open minded, you really aren't; difference is a good thing, but you can't see that, I mean, how will your friends react?

In closure to this letter, I guess I just want to say that I hope I made you happy; I gave all that I could, till I was left with nothing, and then let you throw me away. I hope you're saticfied with yourself now, I hope you got something out of all this.

Goodbye forever....

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(no subject)

dear lexi,

i could tell you exactly where you sat when i first layed eyes on you, and exactly where i was standing when i said id see you later. i was braging about you to my friends last night and your not even mine. i told them how we talked about art. do you know how long i have wanted to find someone that like the same exact van gogh (sp) as i do? i open my friends page just to see if youve written something when i get online. i wait in anticipation as my buddy list loads, hoping your going to be on. i wanna know everything about you. i just wanna stare into your eyes while im listening. ive been thinking about you at the most akward times. just about an hour ago, my best friend was talking to me about something in blockbuster, and i just started wondering what you were doing.i feel all creepy, and corny at the same time writing all this stuff. i dont want to scare you off. i just met you. so dont read this.

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