April 24th, 2004

swing life away

my letter to you

dear ****,

your such a great friend and im glad to have you in my life, your like a brother to me. but lately i feel like you mean so much more to me.... i think im falling in love with you. i want to tell you how i feel but i cant because i dont want to ruin our friendship. plus you just broke up with your g/f and i know you need time to get over her since you loved her. im also afriad to tell you because im afraid that you will reject me because you dont feel the same way, and i dont want things to be awkward between us. i want you to know that im always here for you and ill always be here when you need me. and i wish you felt the same.....
  • Current Music
    adelphi-attention, on the drive-thru radio

(no subject)

Dear _____,

I hardly even know you.. and I hardly ever talk to you...
I don't know what it is about you.. but I like you.. a lot..

..If only I had enough guts to tell you this...


Dear Myself,

I hate you. You're such a coward.


Dear anybody-who-knows,

Does it hurt more when a relationship dies off?
Or does it hurt more to watch a person you love get snatched away by someone else when they might've given you a chance if they knew how you felt?
Or is it even worse to be rejected after gathering up all your courage to make the first move?

If you have this much figured out.. please answer me..

the inexperienced loser

(no subject)

I have so many things on my mind right now I dont even know where to start...

Dear Billy, I miss you more than you could ever know. I miss those nights last spring break when you would throw rocks at my window and I would sneak out. I miss how you and your friends would come over and we would hangout and listen to Taking Back Sunday. I miss the way you always made me smile. I miss having a friend that I was completely comfortable with. But most of all I miss having you just a few steps away. I want to talk to you so badly, and I have your number, but Im scared. Im afraid that things would be akward, that we could never go back to the way we were. I know you probally have new friends, and a new life but I hope you never forget all the good times we had together.

Dear Elysse, I dont really understand what you are thinking or why you think it is okay to say it outloud. I understand that you cant control who you have feelings for, but he is my boyfriend. Im tired of reading all the entries in your journal about how you like him... Im tired of hearing about all the notes you write him. I just wish you could let go of whatever past you two had and relize that we are happy together, I wish you could just be happy for us.

Dear Roberta, I wish I felt like I was your best friend still. I miss the days when we could hangout just the two of us. I miss the days when I actually mattered to you. I miss thinking that no guy could ever come between us. I just feel like he is taking you away from me.

Dear Brian, dont hurt her she has enough to deal with right now.

Dear Josh, I dont know what I would do without you. You are honestly the only thing keeping me sane right now. I know in the past 8 months we have had our fair share of fights, and I know that sometimes I do things that you dont approve of but Im glad that you are willing to accept me and forgive me for the thinggs I do. I love you so much, I love you to the point that I feel like even thats not enough.


  • Current Music
    clark gable - the postal service

(no subject)

he was my first love
everything seemed heavenly when i was with him
although we've been apart over a year now,
we've tried off and on to make it work again
those small glimpses of heaven have flashed back from time to time

i'm washing my hands clean
my heart really needs to move on

i've thought before that i wouldn't want to live without him
one night i considered ending it all if i couldn't be with him

and here we are... so long later
so long later, still trying
a few weeks ago he was casually bringing up marriage
like why don't we just commit and be together forever?
getting down on one knee
"this is what it would be like melissa..."
scared the hell out of me
we cant even be together
it just hasn't worked

and he's a sweetheart
but not for me anymore
i need something he cannot give me
i've matured and grown into something new

he's still mine
he will always be remembered
no one can replace the space he filled
at least in the same way
and i will always be a part of him
together in eachother's hearts

but now i see
it won't happen because he is in love with another
it happened slowly
he's fallen deeper and deeper in love with her over time
and he says he still wants me, because of the past
because of all these things that will never leave
and he doesn't even realize it himself yet
but his heart now belongs to her...

i said goodbye and wished him luck
good luck with another
and i will always love you
you will still be my first love no matter what

"for what it's worth you're still my --"
and now i'm left with the feeling i've dreaded all along
that he would move on and find his new love
while i'm left here with no one to call my own

i feel horror, sorrow, sadness
i feel wonder
how could things end up this way?
  • Current Music
    pale new dawn- maranatha

(no subject)


I so need to just make out with someone. But at the same time, I know I won't. I can't just "do" things, becasue they mean something to me, and I can't stop it. Everything that everyone does means something to me, which is why I'm so emotional and so much of a pansy wuss. Which is why I can't handle anything, which is why I freaked...

My dad makes me cry a lot. Because of who he is, and because of who I am. He says things meaninglessly, and I take them to mean the world, and it breaks my heart again and again. And every time he sees me cry because of him, it just pisses him off and I get more upset, and nothing is solved. How can I solve anything?!

And the thing.. In school. He brought a gun. I don't know what he did with it.. But it was there. Next to me. And I can't deal with that. ...I can't even think about that now.

And at MBP? He was drunk! Like, piss-drunk! Like, I-can't-walk-straight-or-talk-without-slurring-my-words-and-sounding-like-a-comlete-jackass- drunk. And he was following me and freaking stalking me, and I'm too quiet to say anything, I mean, I'm not quiet, but I was, and... What the hell. I don't know what to do. I never do. And it scares me.

I think I'm going to try to calm down now. And.. I think I'm going to fail.
  • Current Mood
    intimidated intimidated

I feel emphatic about not being static

The one I used to call "lovely,"

'The shoe still fits, so there's no need to stop wearing it just because of changing circumstances.'

If I could give you anything right now, I would give you your dream romance.

I want you to be standing in line for a concert, look to the left, and see the most beautiful girl in the world standing there and looking at you, too.

Not only the most beautiful girl, but a girl with wonderful taste in music...an intelligent girl with similar political views and literary interests...a girl who will do anything for you as so long as you do anything for her.

I want you to be the happiest person on earth, and not just because your emotional pain causes a pain in my stomach.

You're such a good person. You deserve the best.

I'm still a little bitter that I'm not the best, but I knew I wasn't to begin with.

Even though I'm not the greatest, I'm better than the rest (except for maybe *H*) you've had. I'm more than willing to listen to you when you need to complain...I'm almost begging you to do so, actually. I'd love to help you in any way...please, open up. Tell me what's wrong. Don't stop being friends because we've stopped touching.

Peace Love Empathy
  • Current Music
    :p Incubus in my head