April 21st, 2004

show you

Losing half a year, waiting for you here, I would be your anything

Dear You-

I'm not going to write your name out, on the off chance that somehow you'll read this. I could never tell you this to your face because even with all you've put me through, knowingly or unknowingly, I would never want to hurt you. I would never want you to waste your time worrying about me. Well, I guess I do want that a little bit, but I feel selfish for admitting it. You have the perfect life now, and I live one thousand miles away. I have no business ruining any of it for you. I guess it's what you want, what you've always wanted.

But do you remember the times you told me you'd love me "until the day I die"? That time when you showed me that story you'd started to write about me and told me I was your "fucking world". Heh. I wonder if you ever finished that story...or if you've revised it to make it a story about her. (While we're on the subject, I know her desktop picture's replaced mine, though you'd never admit it to me.) And those times when you told me "nothing in the universe will ever change the way I feel about you". Maybe that's what you truly believed at the time. I know I wanted to believe it. I did believe it. I trusted you more than anyone else I've ever known. That whole Laura/Andy thing? You were the person I ran to crying, thinking that there was nothing in life worth living for. You changed my mind. You were one thousand miles away, but you made me smile through my tears. Even though we were chatting online, me from Massachusetts and you from Virginia, I felt like you were holding me that night. You didn't let me leave until you were sure that you'd convinced me that I was beautiful and that you loved me. That you'd always love me, you'd always be here for me. I fell so in love with you that night. You were already in love with me. And those few months that the feeling was mutual were the happiest times of my life. The stolen phone calls, the flirty or deep IMs, depending on our moods- I lived for those.

Damn. Then that fateful night in February. I'd just gotten back from my 1-week vacation with my family and I couldn't wait to talk to you. The conversation we'd had the night before I left had been one of the most meaningful ever. You told me about your father's fiance and her son's drug issues; when I told you how sorry I was, you said "Tina...it all seems so far away from me when I'm with you. You mean so much to me. I love you until the day I die." I signed online, chatting about how much I'd missed you, trying not to notice your vague and indifferent responses. Then you dropped the bomb- in the one week I'd been away, you'd gotten a girlfriend. At first I pretended like things would be the same as soon as you broke up, but then I realized that you had something with this girl. Something that, somehow, you didn't have with me. Our conversations died after the "What's up? N2m, you?" that only strangers have. We became strangers to each other- strangers with a history, a passionate past, but strangers nevertheless. My school took a trip to your goddamn city for 5 fucking days, and you couldn't find "the time" to come visit. Couldn't find the time, my ass. Didn't want to find the time was more like it. We'd been counting the SECONDS til that trip before she came into your life. I kept my head high, acted like it didn't matter. My friends all believed me. They could never see right through me like you could. Now you don't want to know how I feel any more, because that would involve caring about me more than is strictly required.

You call me love. You tell her you love her. You tell me I'm pretty. You call her beautiful. You used to be in love with me. You are in love with her.

I'm still in love with you. And I'll always love you in some way. I'll never stop.

Love you until the day I die,

  • Current Music
    back to california - sugarcult


"I'm more than just a little curious about how you're going to go about making your amends to the dead. With your halo slipping down...your halo slipping down..."

YOU DIDN'T FIGHT ME AT ALL. You just took it in and cracked jokes, asked me if I wanted Burger King. What the hell is that? Did it mean so little to you? I know there was a point where it meant a whole hell of a lot to you, but the way it ended didn't seem that way. "Not with a bang, but a whimper." There was nothing, no reaction, nothing to hang on to. You didn't fight for me. I expected a lot of things, but not that. Never that. I expected a reaction, an emotion, something that let me know that you were as cut up by this as I was. Why is it that I'm the one that's more wounded when I'm the one letting go? I always thought it was easy being the dumper, and it probably is in some cases -- cases like me, where I cried and fought and cried. Because at least then you aren't left with the sneaking suspicion that the other person couldn't give a sh!t. And I'm trying so hard to give you the benefit of the doubt, and say that you're just being a good person and letting me walk away without feeling guilty, but every other fight we had, every other time I wanted a break, you fought me. Did you just sense there was something different this time? Or do you not care?

I can't even ask, you haven't even called, you haven't tried, I don't know if you're being understanding or an a$$hole. I'm trying to convince myself that you're being understanding, that you don't believe that I mean it, that you think it's just I'm too stressed and lashing out. Denial is a powerful weapon, and part of me hopes that you're exercising it. Because at least then I know that there'll be a crash, and that you care.

I have to figure out how to get your stuff to you, and that's going to be awkward no matter how I try to do it. I honestly don't want to see you, because I'm so afraid of what will happen when I do. Will I cry? Will you? Or will you be fine, sitting around playing video games and relieved to have your life back? I wish I knew. Because at least then I could get a little further on with my life. If you're not hurting, why should I? Why should I cry when you're not? Why should I suffer if you don't care? Because I went through so much agony these past few months, cried so much, hurt so much, doubted so much that it should be over. I should be done. But I'm not, because it seems like it was all even more of a waste than I realized.
  • Current Music
    A Perfect Circle -- The Noose
my babys


hi ive not updated in this journal yet dont know what to talk about but i was asked to tell people to join the pink ribbon comunity thanks
  • Current Mood
    amused amused

To my favorite liar, To my favorite scar.

f**k you Steve,
okay hi, why did you lie to me about dumping Ashley?
did you just do it so you could use me, you know how i feel about you.
god i hate you right now.
i wish i had never wasted my time on you, all you did in the end was hurt me.
and you're a liar. i hate that about you.
you play too many girls, hmm let's see, okay we were going out and then you dumped me to go with Ashley but while you were with Ashley, you cheated on her with me!! i told you to dump her, it took you about a month cause you were "scared" so you finally tell me you did. then me and you start going out. that friday comes around i get home from the mall and rochelle tells me she saw you and Ashley holding hands.. i did't know what to think!! you weren't around for me to talk to.
then when i finally talked with you about it you denied it all. so i break up with you on that sunday and you're so sad, you miss me. more like you need to someone to make you "happy", that's F***ked up. it really is, i hate you for this, i'm never ever ever going to forgive you. now what about this new girl Lindsay?? are you gonna cheat on her too?? even though you guys aren't going out yet, you probably will and you will use her i know it!! you are such a liar Steven Roy Duren!! Jennie called me today and told me about you and Ashley she saw you guys when she went to school, Rochelle walked up to Ashley and asked how long you guys have been going out, Ashley said i dont know. shes an idiot. if you really broke up with her she would have said we broke up.. but oh no Mr... she didn't so youve been playing me, thank god i'm with steven now, he knows how to treat a girl.
i hope you choke and die.

  • Current Mood
    pissed off pissed off

once again

dear linz,

i thought i saw you today? and it brought back a ton of memories. i didnt know you were back in town. ive been thinking about you all day. wiping down tables at work, i was listening to a song. it just reminded me of all the things i want to tell you. it was yellowcard. i know your not into that type of music, but i felt like it was wrote to express how i feel about everything we went through. remember that place on cherry street, we would walk in the grass (not sand) in our bear feet? it was kind of weird to hear that. it brought me back to a time when i still felt the world was good. if i could see you again i would tell you how sorry i am. i wish you hadnt left, i know it was my fault. you told me, your friends told me, and i knew it too. everythings getting better now. im not using anymore. i still drink a little, but nothing to take to serious. i bought a new car. and i got a great summer job. im going to be a church camp counselor....haha. out of all the people in the world right? i do miss you though... i havent thought about you in long time. i guess there is a part of me thats still trying to get over you. i feel like i am. but then i think of all the good times i had with you. it didnt matter if we were laying in your back yard, or if i fallowed you around the mall for hours. i still had a good time. its my fault though, i went for that other girl. and you were right, it was a big mistake and i am regretting it. especially when i dumped her, i just wanted to come running back to you. but i knew you werent there. ive been lonely since the moment you left me. i still am, but not as much. i hope things are getting better for you. i do still miss you. i miss your eyes, and the way you used to fall asleep on my chest. i dont miss the fights we got into when we were drunk. whenever im outside at night, i count out the constelation that we made ours. i wonder if your ever looking up at it, when i am. everything happens for a reason, and i wish i knew the reason why we arent together anymore. ill always have a place for you in my heart. it might not be there forever though. everyday i loose a piece of you. if you want to come back, ill be here.....waiting, but not forever. i loved you. and im sorry. i would turn back time for you.

  • Current Music
i&#39;m not...

(no subject)

"If you're not hurting, why should I? Why should I cry when you're not? Why
should I suffer if you don't care?" (i wish i could believe it)

thats all im gonna say, because i know you know i like you still and i know i
fucked it up, but just to clear my concience:

a shrunken heap
a lonley call
a barren figure
standing tall

above her
shes torn
he loves her
no more

no strength
muscles constricted
hes everything
alone convicted

just scream
theres nothing left
only dreams
and broken promises

there you go, now that that shits over, i will do something that everyones been
telling me to do:

every time i see those stupid forwards i send them thinking you'll come back
saying some shit about how much you love me (yea right), every time i even look
at myself i have to think of you. god damn it, even when i see you, just to look
is bearing me down. i can't stand not having you looking at me like you used to,
like i was your world, like you actually felt something. you have no idea how
many people feel for you, they all want you. i guess im just another follower.

another stupid girl led on by something or other.

and i started to get over you, i thought if i found some flaw it would all be
normal again, my heart wouldnt skip a beat when just hearing your name. well
guess what, i love your flaws, i love your faults, i love every part of you, and
the only thing i did was make me need you more. great, the cycle continues.

if anything, at least tell me you hate me.
because when you ignore me it only makes me feel worse.

there you go, you win, i am bound to you.

(its funny because i was gonna sing a song for you, but you know me i can't do
that, i can write millions of poems but i can't sing for you)

well, if ever you need me i'll be there for you, i would rather have me sick and
you happy, than you sick and me happy.(that may not make too much sense, but
just think about it)

whatever, just love it.

remember to breathe &everything will be okay

Dear you,

"I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
Where I would impress you
Where every single word I said would come out insightful or brave or smooth or charming
&you'd want to call me
I would be there everytime you need me
I'd be there everytime
But for now
I'll look
So longingly
Wait on
For you to want me
For you to need me
For you to notice me"

Couldn't have put it better myself.

♥ x
  • Current Music
    Dashboard Confessional

(no subject)

Dear Jonathan Liangliang,
Hey, i geuss i'll figure it out the reasons why things went the way they did and why we can't accept it we'd fall asleep, but not before we exorcised the evil thing that everyone hides we would lie there in my bed do you remember all those nights we never slept no clothes sweaty doing all the things i never thought i'd do and i did them with you. And hey, don't feel bad no one can ever take away the boardwalk trips or the subways i think we grew up past the hang-ups and the evil stares the fuck you toos and i don't cares we would lie there in my bed do you remember all those nights we never slept no clothes sweaty doing all the things i never thought i'd do and i did them with you. Hey, i geuss i'll figure it out why things went the way they do and why we can't accept it we'd fall asleep but not before we exercised the evil thing that everyone hides we would lie there in my bed do you remember all those nights we never slept. And even though we brought it crashing to an end i loved it all and now i love my friend. I loved it all, i love the girl boy, i love my friend. I still love you amazingly boy and I love how we're still like best friends even after out failed two year realationship. You were my first life/first sex/first almost everything. And I was your first everything too. Noone can take that away from us. You'll always be my first love. And I'll always love you. I'm happy you still stuck by me after what we went through. I'm very proud of us too that we're still best friends. I love you way alot.

with oodles and oodles of crazy love,
  • Current Music
    spit for athena

(no subject)

dear you,

when we walk past each other in the hall and i dont look your way i want you to wonder. i want you to think "hey i heard that girl liked me...and she dosent even look at me. what did i do?" yeah, you should be thinking that. its all apart of me genius plan.

oh and you didnt do anything. and i want to get things back on track like they used to be. i really, really do. feel free to join in on the attempts of making a relationship sorta between us again.

i still like you. we could totally work out. you're going to notice possibly that im 'coming around more often.'

yeah, thats me trying oh so hard to get you to notice me again.

ugh, love and crushin is a bitch.


[oh, ps...good times today when i randomly leaped outta a crowd in the hall to say something to you. yeah we havent talked in like 2 weeks or so. that was me trying to get you to notice me again as ive already stated.]
  • Current Music
    ladytron - 'light & magic'

(no subject)

dear ms millgard,
can i please just have an a in your class? i try really hard and an e is just not acceptable. just cause i got a 48% on one test and im not on pom doesn't mean you have to hate me. thank you.
your great student,

(no subject)

what do you do when you want to end everything so badly, but don't have the courage to leave anyone hanging? i feel like i have nothing left for me cept for maybe 3 people. and those 3 people mean the world to me. but i just can't handle this anymore. i can't handle wearing a fake smile for most of my day. i can't handle anything else negative thrown towards me and how i live my life. why the fuck does it even matter to my sister and brother of how i am? does it embarrass you? i hate how your hypocracy pierces right through me. i just wish i could wake up someone else and have this depression and bpd gone away.