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I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope
 
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Monday, April 19th, 2004

Time Event
12:13a
to the two of you who wished me luck-

thanks!

He kissed me for the first time today and even though I'm 18 and have had this sort of thing happen before, it still is making me float.

I've never dated someone from my own school before. How on earth does it work? Any different from guys outside of school? I guess I'll be finding out soon.

-M

Current Mood: loved
2 ||x
1:25a
Sometimes I want to leave the left coast
Dear On My Mind-

I think about you much more than I should.

I forgot what the butterflies felt like.
I forgot what is was like to hear a cute song on the radio and to actually have someone's face to place those emotions with.
I didn't know if I'd ever feel this way again.
Thank you for that.

.but really.
.I don't even know you.
.You couldn't possibly know.
.how much you affect me.


I heard from you, and I blushed and screamed silently into my pillow...like one of those cheesy teen movies or something.
You made my night. my week. my month even.
I'm afraid I read more into it than I should.
I always smile when I see that you're there..
I feel so lame.


.I think about you much more than I should.

<3
1 ||x
4:18p
i feel like...

you don't even see me anymore. i love you, you are everything to me, its like there will never be a time when you'll look at me with that same smile on your face, that look in your eyes those beautifull eyes that tell me that everythings okay as long as you love me, but you'll never see me as i pass by you while making all the noise i can so you'll notice.

you barely even got to know me, then dicided that i wasnt for you. everyone tells me to let go...

DO THEY EVEN KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE GIVEN AWAY EVERYTHING ONLY TO NEVER GET IT BACK THEN TO BE TOLD TO LET IT ALL GO?
HOW THE HELL WOULD YOU RELEASE YOUR INSIDES?

your so perfect, its like a dream just watching you walk by and ignore me (how pathetic)

and i know that it will never be the same, that youll never see me like that anymore. never flirtingly ask me how i leave my mark as i lean in to kiss you. and just know that its all okay as long as i know you'll still have hold of my waist, that you'll still put your arm around me when i say im cold.

goodbye.
x
4:35p
little girl that hugged my legs-

you're adroable. ugh. i wish you were my daughter.

-me



little boy in front of me at starbucks-

stealing is bad. don't steal the tip money from the nice starbucks workers. they make yummy frappacinos. shame on you, little bastard.

-me




lady who made my frappacino-

thank you for the coupon! if i would have had two dollars, i would have given it to you all. you were very nice.

-me




mom-

we're so alike it's weird. you're being nice. it's scary.

-me


you-

i love you. can't wait til wednesday.

love,
me



turtle bag-

*squee*


-me
x
4:42p
guess i need you baby
dear you,

i see you in the hall/class everyday, and i dont talk to you. we havent talked in like two weeks. why? why dont YOU talk to ME like before? do you just hate me...do you just not like me as a gf OR a friend?


i dont know if i like you like i did before.


i appear to be slightly puzzled on this topic.


xoxoxoxo i miss you sorta...come back to me plzzzz


i wanted you for so long and then i had you...and now you're gone again.


<3me

Current Mood: confused
x
4:58p
Too

Dearest You

I hate you, bastard. You are too damn wonderful to be around. You are too fucking nice to tell her off, even though she bugs the hell outta you. Your accent is too cute to make it stop repeating in my brain. Your face is too mesmerizing to get out of my dreams. You're too perfect because you don't have a six-pack and you aren't the all-american-class-clown-too-cool-to-love kind of boy. You're too cool to live where you do, so come live here, I need you. Two years is not too big of a gap. Three thousand six hundred and ninety-seven miles is. You're too fun to talk to. You're too great to be with. You're too amazing to be away from. You're too much of everything I ever needed. But you're too far away to know how I feel about you.
I hate you, too. But the more I try to hate you, the more I fall in love.

Somebody, catch me fast before I fall for him again.

Love/hate always,
Me

x
5:02p
you bastard


why do you have to continue to do this to me. Its not fair. how could you have a g/f now when I need you to be mine the most. I thought if I had a class with you then it would be better becuase I might be able to talk to you and you would fall madly in love with me but no. my dream has not come true and I dont think it ever will. Sometimes I look at you and you make me sick to my stomach. other times just the thought of you makes my knees shake and I wish it was only me the on that you wanted. why dont you write those adorable songs about me??? why about her. you hardly even know her. I have liked you for 2 and half years. and have you ever thought of me in a different way. I think not. If only you knew what you were doing to me. I think you would change your mind and leave that girl in the dust for me. I hate that I cant say all of this to you because I cant take you seriously. I cant trust you at all. How do i know that you arent running off to your stupid friends and telling them all of this bullshit. its not right why cant you just be there for me.



thank you, you are a stupid bastard and I need to get over you pronto. Im gonna do I dont need people like you just fucking my life up more!!!
x
6:35p
Dear Ryan (parts 4 and 5)
Dear Ryan, part 4

Last night on the phone you told me you broke up with Zoie. I was so happy I could have run all the way to your house in Redding and kissed you. But I didn't. Instead I said, "Oh, really?" and then you had to go do the dishes. When we got back on the phone, we didn't talk about Zoie or anything like that. We talked about how you almost got your ass kicked in the mosh pit, and how Weston had his first time in the pit, and how you thought the drummer of Social Concern was hot. We talked about old teachers and funny stories in class. I said "Ah, my cat just attacked me!" and you thought I said "Ah, my fat just attacked me!" and we laughed about that for about 10 minutes. Once again, we talked about everything except our feelings. You were flirting with me at break today. You sat on the back of the couch in front of me and you were playing footsies with me. When the bell rang, we got up and you told me I got your shoes dirty, and I said "Converse are ment to be dirty!" and we laughed. Then we went to class. Now I'm in second period wishing you had it with me. I think at lunch I'm going to sit down on the couch next to you and ask you why you broke up with Zoie. Maybe you'll tell me it's because you like me. Or maybe you'll tell me something completely different. There's 37 minutes until lunch. I can't wait.

Always,
Ciera

Dear Ryan, part 5

Well. Today at lunch we were sitting on the back couch with the stereo with a bunch of friends and spent about 10 minutes trying to decide what the best NoFX song is. We decided on "The Decline." We talked about Weston's first time in the mosh pit, and we listened to "Date Rape" a few times. Then you announced you were going to get soup. You remembered, you actually remembered, that I said I'd never had a Cup 'O Noodles before in my life, so you offered to buy me one. We went to Talon Hall and bought two cups and some funions. We talked about how you're going to prom with Kristian and I told you about the time Cheri's mom yelled at her for taking her socks. We got back into the drama room and didn't talk much at lunch after that.

In fourth period, we had to perform our air bands. Me, Kelsey, and Jordan were in the back room practicing and you came in to watch us. I was so nervous, I was practically shaking. You asked if I needed a hug, and I said yes. We hugged for about 3 minutes. Then Mrs. Muir came in and told us we were going first. So we got up on stage and did our routine, making complete asses of ourselves, but it was alright because the rest of the class was laughing, too. You sat front and center and gave me encouraging smiles throughout the whole thing. Afterwards we got a ton of compliments and you gave me another hug. We went to sit down on the couch to watch the other class' tape. You sat next to me, actually I was kind of on top of you because you stole my spot next to Tim. One of the other groups did a Britney Spears song, and everyone was talking about how slutty she is. Zack said, "Don't trash Britney, she's tight!" and you said, "She used to be!" The whole class was laughing for about 3 or 4 minutes, no joke. I love your sense of humor.

Then, after school at practice, my day got even better. I was telling Tristan and Amanda about your commentary on Britney Spears, and Tristan says, "You know he likes you, right?" I asked her how she knew this, and she said that he told Jenny last week right before he broke up with Zoie. I was smiling for the rest of practice. Not even running 11 laps around the gym could get me down. I think I'm going to go call you now. Bye.

Always,
Ciera

Current Mood: content
x
8:00p
i hate myself
dear you,
i'm sorry i can't be perfect. i'm sorry i'm not your perfect girlfriend. you actually talked to me today. and then i saw you with her and knew you wouldn't say a word to me. and you didn't. what else is new. i really miss you. i'm sorry i feel that way.
scincerely,
me



dear me,
i hate you. i really do. you worked so hard. and it was all gone. you were normal again. and then what'd you do. you got so depressed. and gained all your weight back. maybe not ALL of it. i mean everyone said you weren't "fat" to begin with. but i was so proud of you. you were 5'5" 125. well, that lasted long. yea right. i hate your low self esteem. i hate the way you treat me. and what i really hate, is the way you can't keep a fucking friendship. with anyone. fuck you. you have ruined my life.
with hate always,
me





i've been looking in the mirror for so long
then i'd come to believe my souls on the other side....


Current Mood: depressed
2 ||x
9:06p
dear happiness-

i love you so much. you make me feel so wonderful. oh my god, i'm walking on sunshine! i love you!!!!!!!!!!! never go away!


sincerely,
me
2 ||x
9:50p
tape dispenser blade-


sometimes, you are the only one who listens.


sincerely,
me
x
10:24p
dear you,
i used to like you so much. now i dont know how. you used to be such a different person. we spoke for 5 hours at a time. we never became sick of each other. we learned so much in so little time. i didnt think you could like me like that, and that i understand. but now you dont care about any of that. all you care about is her, and fitting in with all of them. i know who you truly are behind the facades and acts. somewhere deep down you must still be the person i know you can be. you have too much in you to just throw it all away for someone who will never really be there for you. no one knows you like i know you. thats because you wouldnt allow it. but you let me see that. and i know too much to give up. atleast thats the way it used to be. i miss our talks, and late night conversations. but i know we can never have that again, because youve changed. perhaps i had more hope in you that i should have. if you would go to the ends of the earth to become popular, than congratulations. you have done just that. and lost everyone important to you along the way.

<3 me
x

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