I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope|
[Most Recent Entries]
Sunday, April 18th, 2004
Why is it so hard to not
think of you all the time? Current Mood: melancholy
So here I am, writing you a letter yet again. So I’ve calmed down a bit since the last one I wrote, which I’m giving to you even though I never thought I would. I guess maybe I want you to find strength in my words. If you need the strength, that is. You’re a strong and beautiful person, Amber, and I realized this and know I don’t need to worry about you too much. But I still worry about you, I’m not going to lie. It’s just instinct, I guess, to want to protect those who mean something to me. I know I can’t kidnap you and take you away with me, and I doubt you’d really want me to in the end. But you know the offer always stands that if you need to come back to Dallas you can visit me. You’re such an amazing person, I don’t want to lose you. Maybe I’m a bit selfish, and that’s why I don’t want you to leave. You mean a lot to me, and you’re always there for me whether I’ve just got a headache or I’m falling back into the despair of the winter of sixth grade. And I like to think that you considered me there to support you, even if you didn’t always want to confide in me. Which is fine, I just hope you knew that I was always there to talk and keep your secrets. And there still is. And you have my number in your phone, and I always have it there, and it’s always on. But I’ve realized that maybe I don’t need to remind you of this, since you know it all, and you’ve managed to pull through everything else. So maybe I’m making something out of nothing, or at least something bigger out of something smaller. There’ll be people in Reno that care about you, you’re a great person and people will realize that. Maybe you’ll even like it more there and you’ll forget about the rest of us, who knows. We won’t forget about you though, Amber, know that. Again, some things just can’t be put into words, mostly because I’m not even sure what there is I want to say. You’re just… God, I’m losing words again. Well, just know that I’m always here, that I love you, and that I have faith in you that Reno will turn out to be better than we always regarded it as when we were speculating on everything from safely down South.
Yet again it comes back to you. The worst part this itme I still have a bf. Who I thought got me over you. I wish. Spending all day today with you was fun. I hope next year we can get together.
I love you more than you will ever know,
i cried tonight. yes.. I CRIED. all because i didn't end up going to that play tonight. all because i couldn't see you for those 5 seconds. i cried, i played, i wrote. why did you have to turn into the next one? the one i know i could never tell how i feel and let it eat away at my insides. i stutter around you. and i'm afraid to say something stupid around you. how the hell did that happen? I NEVER GET LIKE THAT! blah
I guess I'll just cut to the chase. I've been thinking a lot today about what I said last night. It took me all day to figure out how to put this into words.
Have you ever felt something you didn't know quite how to describe? Maybe because you've never felt it before...or maybe because you just couldn't find the words for it. I think that's what happened to me last night. I wanted you to know that I felt something...and the only word that came to mind was 'love'. Maybe I was wrong. For now anyway.
But really, what is love? How can you ever being to define something like that? Maybe it's best left to one's own interpretation.
What I realized today is that love (whatever it is) comes with time...hardship...dedication...overcomin
g obstacles...unconditional understanding...having rough times in life and STILL finding comfort in being with that person.
Although it would be really great to one day, I can't possibly feel that way about you yet. There just hasn't been enough time involved for me to say it with the conviction I should.
That doesn't mean, however, that I don't enjoy your company, or that I don't care about you. And I know (hope) that the feeling is mututal. I'm glad you didn't say it if you didn't mean it. That means a lot more to me than if you had.
Guys freak about the 'L' word. I should have thought about that. Sorry. I just wanted to make sure you knew what exactly was going on in my head.
what can i say that can change your decision.. nothing. i am so sorry for being mean, and for hurting you. it really sucks that my best friend, and x boyfriend really doesnt love me as much as he said he did. i am the saddest girl ever and i miss my crazy boy. :( 1 year and 7 months.. //no more
how could you forget where the heart is?
i don't even know where to begin with all the hate and pain i feel from you.
you ruined mine and my brothers lives. and more importantly, you ruined your youngest sons just trying to keep him when you and mom got a divorce. ryan, he's almost 21 now. and wait til you see what he does to ruin your relationship with your new whore girlfriend and her 6 kids. you ruined us, you made us feel like we are worthless, you made our mom feel worthless, but you treat her like a queen and take her kids wherever they want, including to get their tounge pierced even though they are ony 15. ryan cries at night because of you. he can't listen to music without crying to it. he is never himself around his friends. he hides it. you pay for her kids, but don't give your kids any money or their kids. ryan and cheryl are struggling with logan to make him have a better life than on of us had. we will never drink because of you. we will never do any sort of drug, because of you. you plan on moving her kids into the house us kids grew up in and taking over everything. what me, ryan and cheryl did on easter was just the beginning. good job changing the locks on us too, but you people are idiots that you left the front door open. don't call us. don't come over. we never want to see you again. when you tell us you love us, it is obvious you are just throwing that word around. i know we all are.
your daughter Current Mood: busy
Im glad that
memories of us
gets u horny
memories of us
give me tears Current Mood: annoyed
|Dear Ryan (Part 3)
Last night I thought about you. I thought of all the things I could gain by going out with you. Then I thought about all the things I could loose when you move away. I thought about the first time I talked to you, do you remember what happened? We were sitting next to each other at Denny's. Me and Jordan had gone with you guys (the cast) after closing night of the play, and when we went to sit down at our tables, Weston tried to sit next to me, but you argued, "No, I want to sit next to the hot chick!" You've always made me smile. That whole night we told our funny stories things we've done when we were drunk. We also talked about the most random things, like why vanilla was actually rarer than chocolate. You surprised me with your love of reading, and I surprised you with my love of punk music. When Jordan and I got up to leave, you said "Bye Jordan, bye Kelsey!" I turned around, shocked, and said "Did you just call me Kelsey?" Turns out Weston decided to be an ass and tell you my name was Kelsey, so I forgave you. Even though I still tease you about doing that, ("Hi Ciera!" "Don't you mean Kelsey?"), I hope you know it didn't really bother me that much. Last night I thought about all our long phone conversations. Ryan, I've only known you for a month, but I feel like I've known you my whole life. Which is why I feel we met at the worst possible time. On June 4th, you'll be graduating. Then you're moving to North Carolina for a year to live with your mom. I'll be back here in California, feeling deprived that I only knew you for 3 months. Sure, we might keep in touch, your real mom doesn't think the internet is the tool of satan, and there's such a thing as calling cards. But I know, and you know, it won't be the same. If we started going out now, today, we'd only have a month and a half together. And I care for you so much that a month and a half would hurt me more than nothing at all. Maybe we can pick this up when you move back to go to college. You'll be a freshman in college, I'll be a junior in high school. Who knows? All I know is that I wish we could have met earlier in the year, because I feel like I haven't got the chance to see the best of you, and to see the best of me when I'm with you. I saw this quote the other day, "I love you, not for who you are, but for who I am when I'm with you." Well, Ryan, you bring out a different side in me. I'm not quite sure if I "love" you, but I know I love the person I am when I'm around you. Maybe over the course of my sophomore year I'll find someone new, I'll get over you while you're away. I can't predict the future, but I hope it includes us being more than just friends. As for now, all I can do is wait to sign your yearbook. Maybe then I'll have the courage to tell you this. To tell you all of this, because to my feelings you are oblivious. Maybe I'll tell you just a little of it. I'll go to your graduation, and after it's over, after you've hugged all your friends and your family, maybe I'll pull you away from the crowd and tell you how I feel. It brings tears to my eyes to think of when we will last hug, before you move away. You always did give such good hugs. Maybe, there, in our final parting, I'll have the courage to look into your eyes and kiss you. Or maybe, none of this will happen. Maybe you will sign my yearbook and confess your feelings. Maybe you'll be the one to seek me out at graduation and look into my eyes and kiss me. Maybe none of this will happen. Maybe nothing at all.
Ciera Current Mood: discontent
I know that you've heard this a thousand times before, and half the time it's coming from me, but s. just does not want to get involved with you. She looks at you, and laughs, because you will always be rob, the kid who laughs at her when she speaks. You will always be the nicest kid around. You will always be the sickest basketball player we know. You will always be there on a friday night. But she is not attracted to you in any way. She never was. And I can't say whether or not she ever will be, but from the way things are looking, I'm pretty sure she won't anytime soon.
Look around Rob. You have so much going for you. Next year you're heading to college to play basketball for 4 more years. You have amazing friends, and an amazing personality to go with it. And I know for a fact that there are about 1000 girls in this school who would do anything to talk to you. She is not the only amazing girl out there, because yes, she is amazing. She's funny, smart, beautiful, talented, and athletic. But she's not the only one
. So re-evaluate everything for your own good.And never forget that night on grace's lawn. I will always be there for you, no matter what. I love you kid.
i don't know why i don't let you in. why i prevent it, why i actually avoid you all the time. there are reasons for why i don't call, and for why i don't want to hang out with you. the thing is .. i just don't know what they are. ash and i were pickin around in my head last night, and i think that in the past years that we have been friends, you have done so many things that have hurt me that i just don't want to be around you. everything you have said, everything you have done .. maybe you didn't realize it before, but mike .. those things hurt me in a way you can never realize. and i don't know how to explain this to you everythign you question me and get mad at me because i dont want to spend my time wiht you. how do you tell your best friend that you love him but hate him? its so hard .. and then you get mad, and it gets me more frustrated, and we continue our never ending circle. i had the circle. and i hate this. but i don't know what to do .. i need you to understand. i know you can't, but i need you too. because the more we keep doing this "thing" that we're doing, the closer it leads us to an ending we never saw coming.
-kim Current Mood: confused
sorry i just felt like letting the world know i am part of the lame squad and want to see some other lame but COOL kids out there who want to apply.. yeah. Current Mood: hungry
|923816 is the sound that I'm flicking your switch
you broke my heart by asking someone else out, and then they broke up with you like 1 day later. thats what you get...you totally deserved that one buddy.
haha you got screwed over, and i just sorta got over you.
i dont know if i want you to come back to me ever. you're really hot and we have so much in common...but yeah. talk about tiring.
i'm all you need, but too bad. you're probably going to be missing out. i feel like you really missed your chance last week.
oh and today i got new clothes and lip gloss. i look hot. and i dont like you anymore.
love = dumb.
<333 me Current Mood: pleased
|The Letter I'll Never Send
I met you on a Thursday. I'd seen you before and just looked for afar you were the guy of all guys that you'd just stare at and wish you knew because it would have been amazing. But never the one you'd ever want to know, because you were too good for me. You walked up to me and we started talking. You didn't seem like I thought you'd be. I thought you'd be stuck up with your Von Dutch hat and all. But you were so different. I was automatically myself around you. You asked for my screen name and I willingly gave it to you. I should have never done that, it was so stupid. We talked for three hours online that night. I found we had the same music taste and sports. You gave me your number. I forgot about it.
Two days after that morning at 5 am when I went to drive up to West Point I saw you called. I called you back later that day in the hotel room. We talked for a while and you told me to call you back when I got back from finals and you wished me luck. I called you back and talked to you until i went to sleep. You called the next day and we talked for a while. I was myself around you which really scared me.
A few months went by. I liked you in a sense because you were an amazing person but it was nothing that great. But, anyway, you had Christina. I met Zac. Then the day that I was on the phone crying about him you told me that it was going to be okay and that there is someone for me out that. I could never repay you for that. It meant so much to me. We stopped talking after a while. It didn't really make a difference.
Then we started up again. That one night when we talked until 4 am. about all the things we'd do and that truth game that we played. I found out a lot about you even when I thought I knew everything. I fell for you, I fell hard and I couldn't get up as fast as I wanted to. I wish there was a button that I had that could turn off my feelings but no I was under the wave unable to breathe. You always managed to brighten my day.
You call me freshman, I call you handicap.. it works.
Over the break I called you about some CPR thing. I didn't really want to talk to you, I was beginning to forget about you and how great of a person you were. But I did end up talking to you which wasn't the easiest thing in the world. You were your old self. We set up plans for the pool. They were carried out pretty well. It was something that I never thought would happen. The thing that sticks clear out in my mind, besides your umm package. Was when you said hold your breath and you kissed me underwater. I am still shocked that I didn't get any water in my mouth but that's besides the point. It was special. Well-- maybe not for you.
I'm just another girl. Just a 15 year old with a strong feeling for someone that she can never have. Why can she never have him. Because he's too into age and what his friends might think. I know you don't want to admit it but I'm really not that stupid. Honestly-- I can see right through you even though you don't think I can.
In a sense I want to forget you exist. I want to take your name out of my phonebook, your screen name off my buddy list and avoid you in school. I want to forget about everything. I want to wish we never met. I wish I never continued to IM you, I wish I ignored all your calls. It would have been easier. I would have never known that there was someone like you out there. Someone you who is so honest and sincere, someone you can make you laugh about anything in the world even if it's not funny and someone who you can truely be yourself around. You will be a hard person to top.
But on the other hand why would I want to forget you. There's always this sense of hope that someday something would happen when we were older because our personalities click.
So, this is my letter to you, Mike. I want to wish you a good time in college. I hope all of your dreams come true and you really do get to work on Court Street. Work hard and I promise all your goals will be achieved. Never forget me.
I know that things will never be the same but i hope you won't forget me or all our wonderful memories we had over the past 2 years. you mean so much to me and it hurts me thinking about how much you hate me now and all the bad influences you have in your life. i wish i could go back to the begining and start all over. i wanna erase all my stupid mistakes i made that caused out relationship to fall apart. i feel like i ruined everything by worrying about you flirting with her. it was so stupid of me. i just don't understand why you believe all the bull shit your friends say about me, it just breaks my heart in two. do you ever think about me and how broken you left me? i want you to know that i'm never gonna forget you. your'e always in my heart. i love you forever.
Vincenzo, i hope you show this to everyone one day.
so i was looking through my assignment notebook the other night and on march 8th i wrote "greatest night in the cronology of time". i couldn't remember what happened that night, but i looked at the day before it and it said "grease sing along". i remembered then. being that, i realized that we've been "together" for over a month now. has it really been that long? i remember when a month was like a year for relationships. if you could make it past a month, you could withstand the test of time. does that rule still apply? that was back when you had to have your best firend call your boyfriend (becasue you were too afraid) to ask if he could go to the movies (with a group of people) where you would say a total of three words to him. it was back when you were young. naive. i loved being naive.
but i'm not naive anymore. i know better. which is why i haven't told you what it says on my closet wall yet.
i don't know if you've noticed this (i hope not at least) but sometimes when youre just looking at someone else.. i feel like i would give every material thing i own to be that one person. i could be standing right next to you, and it's never close enough. i could honestly just watch you go about, doing things you do. my entire life can be defined in the less-than-two-minutes i see you walking to 8th period. it's like, if i didn't get to see you.. kiss you.. hug you in that hallway, the rest of my days would be doomed. before we started dating, when you would chase me around, i always ran away. why the hell did i run away?
Vince, i love you. i am in love with you. i am hopelessly, completely, utterly and terribly in love with you. it says so on my closet wall. on all my papers. my hand. i want to tell every single living soul in this vicinity of space... but i can't. which is why i've written it in this letter you will never see.
so if you don't read anything else in this letter, i hope you read this. i love you
Ok why do you go off on one if I don't tell you my problems? I don't get it because you NEVER let me in. You then say I am your closest mate. Yes and I don't mind people taking their probs out on me but not if they aren't going to tell me. Also why are you telling me I can snap out of how I feel when you have been there and you know it isn't as easy as that. I hate it. I don't think I want to be mates, I would rather break off all ties. I know I won't because I won't evebn say all this stuff to you but I have had it.
Fran xx Current Mood: aggravated
seabreeze high school-
feel like burning down? i wish you would. you suck. except for, well, the whole drama department. but other than that you suck. burn down motherfucker!
|I just found a friend in one of your lies.
I'm sick of your mind games and your constant hot and coldness. I have other guys that I'm seeing because you aren't man enough to want something serious. One day you'll want something more and I'll have found someone better. Yeah, I just hope that day comes soon.
P.S. I wish I didnt like you so much :(
I love you :].