I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope|
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Saturday, April 17th, 2004
i dont know how to say this because i always try to say the right thing, and this is something that none of you want to hear. i put up with a lot of crap. i dont mind it because i love you all so much, but sometimes i cant handle everything at once. im not perfect.
i am the girl that you go to to rant about your horrible day or who you come to to cry and tell me about all of the problems in your life. i dont mind being that girl. i want to make everything better for you. but sometimes too many people are having too many problems all at once for me to deal with. and never does anyone offer their shoulder for me to cry on. not that im asking for it. i just wish sometimes that it was there.
i am the endless entertainer. i make people laugh. but the problem is, i have never said anything funny. to me, its just a way to fill the empty space. you see me as the funny girl who laughs at the world. but when people laugh at the things i say, i sit there wondering why its funny. i knew they would entertain you, but i didnt know why. im sorry, this doesnt make sense. please forgive me. im still here for you.
dear red haired girl:
i see you every day. your hair is red. you are ashamed of this. i have heard this to be true. my best friend is infatuated with you and your red hair. you want to fit in. i want to stand out.
the redness makes your skin pale, and your eyebrows light. you think you can never be considered a typical beauty. i will never understand why you are sensitive to being noticed. i crave the attention that i will never get because my hair is brown.
i wish that i could tell you that you are beautiful and that you would believe me. life is never fair to the person who has to live it. im sorry for that, red haired girl.
i know how much you all love and care about me, and for that i am sorry. i know you put up with my mood swings and sarcasm. i know i put you through a lot. all i want is for you to all understand me. part of it is my fault, and the other part yours. i want to tell you how i feel. i want to share my problems with you. i want to make you understand me. i want you to know why im upset, not just have you realize im upset. i dont want to pull away from you. but i do pull away. i pull away because you expect me to be the person that im not and never will be. i try to be sometimes, but i cant always play pretend. and so i pull away. and when i do you seem to think im annoyed, or upset with you. i let you think that because i dont have the energy to correct you. you all have your own lives and problems, and so i listen and talk. i know you would too if it came down to it, but listening and understanding are two different things. i know that you cant try to understand unless i share, but im too scared of judgement. i say i dont care about anything, but deep down i do. i know you are all there for me. friends who care about me is what i have, and for that i am eternally grateful. but understanding and true listening is what i lack. in any case, i am sorry for my stoic moods and sarcastic comments, for not always having a smile on my face and not confiding, and for making it seem like i dont care about all of you more than anything in the world because i truly do.
ill write sincerely yours,
and sign my name
p.s. i love you, forever and today
you make me smile every single day. you make everything better, and you make me forget every bad thing that ever happened. when i'm with you i am never sad, or angry, or anything bad. you are my reason for opening my eyes every morning. thank you for holding my hand when i was scared, and more importantly, when i wasn't scared. thank you for listening to me even though i know i don't make sense almost any of the time. thank you for every hug you've ever given me. your hugs make me feel safe and secure. like i'm wrapped up in a sheild that protects me from every bad thing that could possibly happen. thank you for looking me in my eyes and showing me that you care. thank you for falling asleep with me. letting me hear your heartbeat and making me know that i'm safe with you. you make me happy. you make me like who i am. you make me everything i am.
.me. Current Mood: creative
you left. i feel like crying because you left. i mean, today was a day that i needed to be held for more than an hour. it was very nice while it lasted, but, still. i love you so much. and you're absolutely beautiful, babydoll, you really are. you have a handsome face with the most spectacular eyes i've ever seen. perfect smile and hair thats rich and curly. i love
your pudge. it makes me feel safe and protected. and you carry it well.
god, i love you so much.
hey there buddy. long time no see, eh? i suppose that it's for the best. you hurt me. and i don't even know how you did it. for that chunk of my life, you were the most important thing to me. i was so jaded by you and i didn't even know you. and it turns out you were too much baggage for me. way too much. you leaned on me when i myself wasn't stable enough to stand on two feet. but i let you, i was infatuated with you. you were charming. and you had looks. but now that i come to think of it, you never really liked me, did you? i was just a friend, wasn't i? you made me feel like so much more than that. i felt so special. what a bunch of bullshit. you were a nice guy, but you were such a jackass to me near the end! god almighty. plus you were 18! goddamn i was naive. maybe we could still be friends, but i don't need you anymore. i didn't need you when you left, thank god. and thank god you did leave, because then i would have never appreciated gabe the way i do now. so thank you aron, thank you so much for opening my eyes to love. i hope everything works out for you in the end, and maybe we can be friends if you ever show your face around here again.
Hey D -
The makings of a nine hour bus ride sitting next to you:
Holding hands for the first time.
Us both pretending that all our friends aren't watching and noting our every move.
Talking about everything from the little things that we notice that make up the world, to different types of churches, to childhood and summer "nerd camp" stories.
Watching the Star Wars trilogy while you tell me the names of every planet, animal, weapon, and actor.
Me falling asleep on your shoulder (complete with J taking a picture of it with his phone)
What a wonderful
You're much too easy to fall for.
- M Current Mood: adorable