I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope|
[Most Recent Entries]
Friday, April 16th, 2004
I love you. I really do. But I can't change the way you are, no matter how hard I try.
I can't talk to you like I wish I could. And I know that you care about me so much, but please, let me breathe! Every time I say anything that could possibly be seen in a negative light (ie: "I'm not feeling well today...") you get so paranoid and think it's your fault that my day isn't perfect. Life isn't meant to be perfect. And I don't want
life to be perfect. I want to have experienced both the good and the bad. So please stop trying to protect me from it all.
Every other sentence that comes from your mouth is "I miss you." "I'm sorry." "Are you ok??" I know you love me and want to be with me 24/7. And I miss you too. But we're only teens- we're not meant
to be together all the time. Please, realize that I'm not angry with you if I don't respond when you say you miss me for the 40th time. I've started to get very annoyed with you saying "I'm sorry" all the time, too. You say that 'guys always do stupid things and don't realize it', and that it's just your way of making sure you're covering all the bases. But that phrase gets really worn out. You say it, but it doesn't mean
anything any more. If you're truly sorry, say it. But don't pepper every paragraph with "I'm sorry, please forgive me!" when there's NOTHING WRONG.
Yes, dear. I am fine. No, nothing's wrong. Please stop asking me if I'm ok, when the only response you'll accept is "I'm ok, really." Sweetie, you need to understand that I'm NOT ok sometimes, but that's normal. You need to actually look at me, see if I've got a frown or a smile on my face, before asking me this. I've grown so accustomed to saying "uh huh. I'm ok." that you will never know how I truly feel, for fear that you will totally panic like you do.
I love you. But this is grating on me... I don't know how much longer I can take it.
And to all of YOU:
Please, please stop. I know you think it's just grand
that he's almost 3 years older than me. You call him a pedophile. You say that I'm just in it because he's in college. Because I had leading-man syndrome. You laugh at me. But do you really think I would have dedicated a year and a half of my high school life to someone who wasn't worth it? And YOU. I hate you for what you've done to me. I hate how I can't be myself around you, say anything about him around you, for fear that you'll make more of those stupid 'jokes' about turning him into the police. I can't even hold his hand around you without you snarling at us, telling us to 'stop making babies and pay attention.' I've always been known as 'the innocent one', and you need to go embarrass me like that, in front of the whole theatre guild? Directors are supposed to direct, not insult and shame the people who keep his salary coming. I would NEVER do something like that, and you know it. But that's what made it so funny for you, isn't it? You knew I would just hang my head, and sit down quietly, say 'yes, sir', and never speak of it again. You know me too well. You know I don't retaliate.
And YOU. I know you feel sorry for what you've said. But it hurt. A LOT. Family is supposed to support each other. I know that you've had some pretty bad experiences with love in the past. But that doesn't mean that every love will die. And I really don't appreciate you assuming that I will break up with him asap. You don't need to read the stats to me. I know that the majority of teen relationships don't last past graduation. But do you need to rub it in my face? I'm just trying to make this an enjoyable experience, and hope for the best. You don't want me to hope, do you?
As for the rest of you... please. I know that 3 years is a big age gap for people our age. You don't need to point that out. I just wish you would be happy for us, rather than bag on us all the time. Thanks.
Me Current Mood: anxious
Hey. Remeber that time I told you I loved you... And you stopped talking to me? I do. And I always will. So tell me Mark, how does it feel to break some one's heart. I don't have the heart to hurt some one so much, and not just because you ripped it out, but because I'm not like you.
Remember that poem I wrote you. It was about art class. And how blind I was not to realize you were perfect. It was about how I made you laugh. Those were the good days right? Yea remember when we used to talk?
I've tried not to remember, I've tried to earse you from my memory. I don't think I grew from meeting you. Sure I fell in love. But I regret meeting you more than I ejoyed meeting you.
I've given you a letter once before, And you haven't talked to me since. So if I give you this one, what could be the worse thing that could happen? You already hate me. You already don't talk to me. You don't really care.
You probably won't read this anyway. But if you do, I want you to know, I don't miss you.
I can't help lying...
|Dear Ryan, Part 2
Well. I don't know about you but I'm really confused. You tell me that your worst regret is going out with Shannon, but then you flirt with her so much during lunch. I really don't get you. Do you like me or not? You tell me I'm hot all the time, but is that all I am to you? Did our 4 1/2 hour phone conversations mean nothing? Do you not get that I call you every night just to hear your voice because it makes my day better? My days are getting shittier, with all this shit going on with my parents. I feel like you're someone who could understand me if you'd just give me a chance. I asked you what you like in a girl and you said "Someone who understands me..someone who doesn't just see me as the funny drama kid that I am at school. I'm deeper than that, but some people just don't get it." Ryan, I know exactly what you mean. You say you're so happy one minute and the next you're so depressed that you could die. You've read your poems to me, and I'll say it again, I know exactly what you're going through. I thought I was the only one who had crazy mood swings all the time. Is it because of what your friends would think? Sure, if we got together, there'd be talk. I doubt they'd really care that much if they're really your friends. How I dress or how you and your friends dress shouldn't matter. But I know it does. Or is it because you're a senior and I'm a freshman? That shouldn't matter much either. Sure, people give freshman a hard time, but no one really actually looks down upon us. At least no one that matters. Is it because you're moving after you graduate? Well then at least give me a chance before you leave. You're moving back in a year anyway. Next year without you is going to be so dull. You truly brighten up my day. That night on the phone Mark told me that you smiled when you said I had green eyes. When Jordan asked you what 2 things you would bring on a deserted island, you said "Someone I care about very much, corny but true, and my guitar." Then Mark says "What about Ciera?" and you reply "I already covered the 'someone I care about a lot' part." I'm crazy confused and all I know is I'm falling harder than you'd think. It hurts me to see you so flirty with Shannon when she broke your heart, because not only am I scared for our future, but I'm scared for you. Because I know how much you liked her, and how crushed you were when you found out she got drunk and cheated on you. Your hugs mean so much to me at the end of lunch every day. Please just tell me your side of this.
Ciera Current Mood: distressed
I know it sounds weird, but I don't know why, even though you stopped talking to me, I still think about you. Why is it that I am still thinking about you? I know you have a girlfriend, and still you looked at me, you still noticed me as a friend. As you did that I started blooming like a flower, but and then I don't know what happened, the fragrance of my life has been vanished. I started running away from you so that I won't fall in love with you, but as I ran away your wonderful thoughts and memories kept taunting me. I hate thinking about you, because you are wonderful and I don't want to you to be a habit. I just want you to go away from my mind and from my life. It is that way because you are taken and I am not pretty. I just want you to know that you, your girlfriend together hurt me a lot by blaming stuff on me that I am not responsible for, and I didn't argue with you because I realised that you are no my friend, if you were than you would have understand me, but you never tried to, thank you so much for some of your useful advices and thanx for bringing some color in my life but and then why would I thank you? For making those colors fade? I just hope you understood me once. I just hope you knew me better. Current Mood: touched
well. i just remembered how much you really mean to me, like, really. i can't really express what i feel in words, although you and i both know i have tried, many times. well, i just wish..i just wish things could be different. i wish my life with you was different, although i treasure what you and i have so incredibly much. i wish to see you everyday, and when i do, i know it's just more and more truth that we can never be. i love you. i really mean it this time.
love, well. just me.
i hate the way i look. i'm chubby, and i'm too short. my hair isn't long enough, it isn't the right color. it's too dark to be blond, and too light to be brown. i have split ends. my eyes don't have a certain color, they're green blue gold hazel. anything but normal. some may say that my physical characteristics seperate me from everyone else, but i see them something to make me even more imperfect then i already am. my shoulders are too broad, and i feel like a guy because of that sometimes. i think i have a double chin. my hands are so freaking stubby. seriously. curse my dad for giving me these short sausage fingers. my hands get really sweaty when i'm nervous, and they stay that way for long periods of time..which is embarrasing because that means that nobody'll want to hold hands with me. i have a huge 5 inch scar on my lower stomach, thus making it impossible to ever have a bikini-worthy stomach. not that i'm ashamed of my scar, because it's what saved my life.. it's just that it deformed my stomach, in my mind. i think it's weird how i have two indentations on my lower back.. who else has those? well, i'm sure others do, actually. i have love handles that won't go away. my upper legs aren't thin, but my lower legs are.. what's up with that? now onto me. i get angry too easily. when im angry, i can't think and i run away. i run. do you know how bad that is? that means that i can't deal when things get too rough for me. i'm such a jealous person. if anyone talked to my boyfriend in the slightest flirtatious way possible, i'd have to clench my jaw and restrain myself from "opening a can of whoop-ass" on the chick. i don't trust people. true, things happened earlier in my childhood to prevent me from completly trusting people, but i should be able to give my heart, shouldn't i? well, i have given my heart..but i'm so scared of getting hurt. that brings me to my next point. i can't let go of things. if you do something to me, and you hurt me? it'll take a long time for me to let go and forgive you. i have issues with forgiving. my sense of humor is too dry sometimes. i hurt people and i don't realize it. and when they tell me that i've hurt them, i take it really hard, and feel like i'm indebted to them until i make up for whatever i did. i don't cry. when i do cry, i can't stop and it hurts from my throat all the way down to the bottom of my stomach. people consider me to be a little bipolar. i'll be so happy one minute, and the next minute, i'll feel like breaking things, or i'll feel like curling up in a ball and crying. mom blames hormones, but i think she's mildly retarded. i'm close minded. people tell me i need to change, and i just feel like telling them to fuck off. i'm set in what i believe, because if it's what you believe then that's what you should stick to. i don't accept a lot of things. (homosexuality being the main one, pro-choice being the second one.) when people say harsh things to people, i take it as if they're offending me, personally.i have ocd with aim. every three seconds, i check my buddy list. whoops, there i go again. if someone tells me they'll be somewhere at a certain time, and they don't show up, i flip out and start to worry. i get really lonely sometimes. i know that people care about me. that i'm loved. but sometimes, i just want to run away from everything and hide in a corner, and let myself fall apart. i push people away who care about me, yet i want to be held and comforted. i want to be kissed on the forehead, and i want to be told i'm loved. i'm scared for the future, yet anxious. i'm confusing. i try not to play games, but there are times that i can't help it. i tell you to just leave, but i mean "no. please, stay." i tell you that i don't want to talk to you, but i really mean i love you, and want you to keep me company. i get attached when im hopeful. not that that's a bad thing, but who knows whether or not it'll hurt me in the future. i can't forgive my dad. i dont want to go to his wedding. i'm stubborn as hell. you can't get me to admit that i'm wrong. when im in a fight, i'm always right..at least i think i am. my singing voice sucks. it's not high, but it's not low, and when i sing too hard it gets raspy. the person i love the most is the one that i hurt the most. i'll say things just to hurt 'em, because that just so happens to be the mood that i'm in. i hate compliments, yet i love to hear that i'm beautiful..but when im told that i'm beautiful, i deny it and find it impossible to believe. i hate pity parties, yet what am i doing right now? i'm a hypocrite. i'll judge someone one second, then turn around and get on my friends about how they're such bitches because they said someone was a 'poser'. i say i don't care what people think, yet i go around, and let their opinions influence me, even if it's in a not so significent way. i complain a lot if i don't get my way. i pout too much. i don't share my bed. i don't like being close to people. i never let my guard down, and when i do, i'm still defensive. i try to be a good Christian, but i feel so guilty sometimes. i feel as if i'm not worthy to even call myself a Christian. i've drifted from God so much, and even though i want nothing other than to be the person i was a year ago, i don't do anything about it. i go to church on sundays, then live however i want throughout the rest of the week. theres a lot of things that not even my family know about me. i'm so weak. sometimes, i'll lock myself in my room and stare into space, even though i know i'm wasting seconds..minutes..hours of my life. i put myself in situations where i know that i'm going to get hurt. i'll stare at the stars until they bore holes into my heart. i speak my mind too much. i speak my mind too little. i have so many reservations. i force myself to feel the way others want me to feel sometimes. i fall too deep, even if i know it's how i feel. i conform sometimes. i curse way too much. i say that i want to stop doing the things i'm doing, yet i don't. i say i'm done with drinking, yet i crave a good budweiser from time to time. i want to grow old and get married..and stay in love. i'm scared of being alone. i procrastinate. i dont allow myself to see what others see. whether it's what they see in me, or their opinions on the world. i say that i'm sick of the way i look, and promise to change myself..but never do. i call people my friends, but every now and then i don't want to even talk to them. if i see someone's name on caller ID that i don't want to talk to, i don't answer..and when they ask why didn't answer, i'll say it's because i didn't know they called. i put guilt trips on people. i say to call me, and i beg, too..and even though it's not allowed.. i still want it. i need it. and i know that it gets on his nerves. i don't try. i have no self motivation. i have no self control. i run out of things to say.