Four years ago, this would've been easy. It would've been everything that I'd dreamed of. I would've gone with stars in my eyes and not been so scared. But now, it's all different. Now you're asking me to jump, when you know that I rarely, if ever, do. I'm not good at taking risks, or taking chances, and I'm never sure which are worth it. You're asking me to give up everything that I've known for so long
for the possibility of you. And I know you're not really asking, but you're there offering, and that's the same thing. No, you're not affirmatively asking me to do a damn thing, and you say that you're not going anywhere, but that in itself is challenging me. Because I know, whether you believe me or not, that it's only a matter of time before someone else comes along and snatches you up -- hell, they'd be stupid not to. And I won't be responsible for you turning down a good thing because I can't make up my mind. In a way, I wish it would
happen, because then it'd be easy. There would be no choice, nothing to consider. It wouldn't be so f*ing hard. But of course life never works the way you want it to, and here I am faced with a decision.
I can't get you out of my head, and I can't forget the things you've said, and just the way I feel when I'm around you. I try to, so that I can make a decision that's mine alone, but I don't know if that's possible now. You tell me to worry about me and not you, but I can't, because I care. You tell me that you should be with a person you want
to be with, not one you need
to be with. I'm learning the distinction. The problem is the two aren't the same people. Hell, I'm not even sure that I need anyone
So the question becomes who do I want to be with, if anyone. And I wait for the bolt of lightning that will never come, and the revelation from G-d that is a figment of my imagination, and listen to the rain falling outside, and hear a guitar riff over and over in my head -- one that I can hear from you, from you playing. And I'm so tense and uncertain it makes me physically ill. And I know in my heart of hearts that even though I'm still with him, you're the one who would make me smile, and he's the one who would make me cry. And oh, how I hate to know that it's true.
I saw him last night and fell asleep on the couch, and when I asked him to hold me, it was awkward and strange, and he immediately started falling asleep. Meanwhile I touch you and you nearly crawl out of your skin. It's an ego boost, for sure, and I need one right about now, I need to feel like I'm worth something, that I'm attractive and special, and I feel that way when I'm with you. But I need to feel that way about me all by myself, I need to look in the mirror and like what I see, not because of what someone told me, or how they reacted, but because of how I see myself. That's what I'm working on, and that's what I need to do before I can get my head on straight.
There are so many questions I wish I could ask you, but then I'd be making the decision for the wrong reasons. I need to make the decision for my own reasons, not because you're finally in love with me, or falling for me at the least. And as much as hearing it from you would make it easy, I can't do that to myself. Because whatever happens between us, I'd still have to live with me in the end. I paint all these pictures in my head, and I end up hurting myself with them, but with you, I don't have a picture painted, and maybe that's just what I need. Maybe life is trying to surprise me for the first time in a long time, and maybe I do just need to learn to let go. But I'm not ready yet. I don't know when and if I will be. But I'm trying. Current Mood: crappy