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Monday, April 12th, 2004

Time Event
12:49a

Dear -------,

    I want to know how you really feel. My friends tell me we are possible, but I want to know what you think. I would do anything for you. You mean so much to me... you have no idea. If you would just look my way.

    Think about it... think about us it really makes sense. At least it does to me. Is it that I am just crazy? Are we too different?

    You are perfect. I love the way you talk, the way you smile, and how you are so confident.

    Just look my way, to see you smile would make me melt. Just smile at me because then I know, even if it is only for a second, you thought of me.

    Whenever I saw you with her, I felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to break down and cry. I wanted to scream, but I bit my lip. I couldn't say anything.

    You broke up with her, but I still can't have you. That kills me!

    I know you will never see this, but this is how I feel. This is how I really and truely feel. All I want to know now is, how do you feel?

                                                     Love your friend,

                                                                  Jessica



Current Mood: depressed
2 ||x
10:37a
mr.j-

you're a fucking douchebag and i hate you. you're the one person in the world that i would actually beat the shit out of if i had the chance. how fucking dare you leave your son and wife. they are two of the best people that i have ever met and you should be fucking thanking god for having them. but no, you ran away, you left them when he was only a little kid. you're a fucking cunt and i hate you. i hope someone shoves their fist down your throat and yanks out your intestines and hangs you with them over a shark pool. fucking douchebag. i am in love with your son. and you're a fucking prick.

i hope your rotting corpse is eaten by maggots. and i hope you fucking burn in hell.


-me
1 ||x
1:30p
to amanda, rebecca, and cris;

i don't love you anymore. i don't love you. i hate you. there. now leave me alone. just leave. get out of my life, i don't want to see your faces anymore. because it hurts to look at you.

amanda; you are a very lucky, bright girl. i am so thankful for you. you have been by my side since third grade... that's six years, amanda, that's a long time. while you haven't always been there for me, and while these days all we've done is drift apart (when was the last time we got together, amanda? when was the last time we even just...talked?), i still care about you greatly. i've tried to be there for you whenever i can, and i think i've succeeding in helping you most of the time. we never talk or anything but i still consider you one of my best friends. i love you.

rebecca; all these years you've called me your "best friend," and honestly, i can't say i've felt the same. i admit, i've just gone along with it to make you happy. and despite your jealousy and overprotective nature, despite how you tried to rip me away from one of my best friends, i love you. i care deeply for you. all those fun times we had, they're still in my heart. i hope you feel better; i hope you live long and healthy, even if it's without me. i hope you make it.

cris; i'm not sure what i want to say to you, but the need to say something is there. we haven't been friends for that long, but you know me and understand me better than anyone else, i think, and that's pretty damn pathetic, because there are a million things you don't know. all those times we had together, i remember them all. i cherish them all. something about you keeps me coming back for more, yet i can't help but feel like a burden on you.
i love you, cris.

whatever words i say, i will always love you.

love,
ashley

Current Mood: lonely
x
7:27p
Dear Jerry,

I don't know why I am being such an idiot about all this. Well, actually I do.

The fact of the matter is that I was cheated on three times by someone I loved and trusted. And really, the wounds are just beginning to air out...for the most certainly haven't closed, otherwise we wouldn't be having this problem.

Maybe I wasn't as over it as I thought I was. This is the first relationship I've been in since him. I guess I'm a little more afraid than I anticipated.

I jumped into this headfirst and made some sacrifices and took some risks along the way. I saw something truly special in you, and I still see it day in and day out.

You constantly astound me by showing me how beautiful life can be...and how painful as well.

It's been a month since you told me it all seemed so right...and that you could look into my eyes forever. It seems like just yesterday that you said I gave you a reason to wake up in the morning. And it seems like forever ago at the same time.

It seems like forever ago that you kissed me and wouldn't let go, but it was just Thursday. It seems like forever ago that you almost fell asleep at the wheel because of how I stroked your beautiful blonde hair, but that was just Friday.

Today, I felt like we stood miles apart even though we were 20 feet away from each other.

Mike said this is the way you are. If that's true...I can deal with it. But I get so afraid that you don't want me anymore...that all of this was just an amazing unbelieveable month-long dream I'm going to have to wake up from.

Do I still make you as happy as you make me? Am I just holding on to something that needs to be let go?

Or am I just blowing this all out of proportion? All of my friends are incredulous that we didn't even talk today...and that I don't say anything to Cate. They say if they were me, they'd have your head.

But all I am really upset about is the fact that I didn't get to see you at all today. That's all that irks me...that your beautiful eyes didn't meet mine for even a moment today. And every time I step into the hallway, I long for just a glimpse of them.

I'm just disappointed is all. I hope that I still have an opportunity to understand you...and to know what it really is I'm holding onto.

Love, Michealeena

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it okay
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction or a beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight


Current Mood: rejected
x
8:14p
---
dear *,

why did you just pick up and leave...?
you just fucking left...
out of nowhere...
in the middle of everything.
like you always do.

...was it convenient for you?

it seems like you are always running away from your problems...
well this time im running away from you.
i don't want to see your face anymore.
i don't want to hear your voice anymore.
i don't want your pictures.
i don't want to keep the notes you gave me.
nothing.

you left me. so now you get to see how it feels for someone to walk out on you.

but you'll understand, cuz like you told me,
you're "busy" now. well im busy with other stuff
so im not giving you any of my time.

no phone calls
no emails
nothing.

they say friends are forever
but maybe i just picked a wrong one
x
10:47p

Dear -------,

  It was my birthday today. I bet you didn't even remember, right? You didn't think of me once today! I thought about you, I couldn't think of anything else.

  When they woke me up to say happy birthday, I thought of your eyes. When I opened my presents, I thought of your smile. When they sang happy birthday to me, I thought of your laugh. Now I am sitting here, still thinking about you.

  I'll see you on Wednesday, I'll spend the week with you. Will you think of me then? Will you think of me when I am standing next to you? I will probally be just part of the sceanary, right? I might as well be a wall or a tree.

  See me as more than just a friend. Or just see me!

                         Love always,

                                  Jessica



Current Mood: awake
6 ||x

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