I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope|
[Most Recent Entries]
Thursday, April 8th, 2004
|to my so called best friend
grow up. just because people dont react back does not mean they are cry babies. i for one and am tired of sticking up for you when people tell me your a fucking fag. and i can quote that from a few individuals at school. your a bully pretty much. sometimes its embarrasing to be around you because the shit you say and do. mabey if you would just act nice for once you would have other friends besides me. and dont tell me you have a bunch of other friends because im the only one you hang out with. dont call anyone a baby anymore either, your the fucking baby, why dont you act your age for once, and try to be mature. i know im not a poster child for being mature, but im way farther than you right now. and why dont you quit calling yourself a failure, your the only one who can fix it. so grow the fuck up and pay me back all the money you owe me. you fucking cry baby. Current Mood: angry
I hate you.
Get a life.
me. Current Mood: lonely
exactly a week ago we were talking. your friend told my friend you liked me. and it appeared things were just getting started. i planned stuff around that. but now, after 7 days, you are making me feel like shit. i guess its the fact that you dont talk to me anymore, and i dont talk to you b/c i feel uncomfortable now. why? i dont even know.
you're going to ask another girl out now, arent you?
why cant things be the same again? i wanna go back to last week. it seems like it shouldnt be that hard, but it is. its so difficult. its like we've never talked before.
why dont i matter to you anymore? do you even think of me at all? when i walk in the room, do you give a fuck?
ive wrote about THREE LETTERS on this already in a week. i guess its just sometimes i really start thinking about it and it REALLY gets me down. and i need to vent to someone but i dont feel comfortable doing that. its like everyone knew about the goodness of last week and i dont want to tell everyone the newest bad news. i feel like it makes me seem like a failure. like a total loser for getting sorta hyped on that.
im sick of writing letters regarding this situation...but yeah...i feel hurt and like shit.
why dont you love me anymore?
im going to get over you. i really, really want to.
oh, and im going to go outta town this weekend and have a good time. im not going to think of you and how things have gone to hell...yeah, im sure YOU dont think of that. im going to have a great 4-day weekend...and i dont care if your fucking birthday is this weekend either.
<3 me Current Mood: disappointed
|here's your letter
~These are somethings that I wish I could tell you, but I never will...~
I always told myself that if _______ cheated on you and if you ran to me, I wouldn't be with you, I'd just tell you that I didn't care and that you could of had me a long time ago, and it was your mistake. But that didn't happen at all I don't know if it's cause I was on the phone with you when you found out about her and i heared the saddness in your voice or that i like you to much to ever say anything like that to you (probably both...) Do you even remember the things you said to me after you found out? Asking me out...saying we could do anything that i wanted...saying you love me? All of those things hurt me so much. I couldn't believe you would try to use me to just get back at her. I wanted to yell and scearm at you. but i didn't(And I'm sure i will never yell at you)No, all I did was tell you that everything is going to be ok and that i was sure she didn't do anything. But everything isn't ok and she did do it. And i want nothing more but for you to be happy, I'd give my life for you (yeah, I would give MY life for YOU, would you do the same?)just at peace with everything. And please tell me why you act like you love me so much now? Why, now you just hold me as long as I let you? And why do you have your arm aound my waist or why when you hug me you don't let go when i try to pull back? why now? Because you don't have her? or because you didn't want to be like that with someone else when you "loved" her?
And I want to tell you how much i need you, how much I want you and how much I love you. I want to tell you the "55 reasons why". But i'm afriad, I want to tell you how every song, and everything reminds me of you. I wish i could tell you everything i've said about you all the words of love and hate. I wish i could tell you everything that i'm thinking. I wish I could tell you that your my everything. But I'm to afraid. To afraid that you will think i'm ____. But i will never be her, I'll never call you up to tell you to come over just so I can fuck you. And I know that you think I may end up like _______, but i won't, I will not cheat on you and I'm not going to become some slut. I'll only be me. And i don't know if that's a good or bad thing; for either of us.
And i'm sorry I feel like this... I just love you so much. Even though I know very well that you'll never love me.
Me Current Mood: calm
I've written and felt a million times just how much this situation isn't working for me. We're not together, but we barely act like friends. I would love to be able to sit in the same room as you by ourselves for an evening and not have to be concious of our distance, knowing you'll make a move at some point. I have no problem with making out with you, however I'd rather that if we were to keep doing that, that you wouldn't flake on any plans with me just before or right after. Hell, just do something you know I'd enjoy, or just something on my watch instead of your own.
You're being a selfish prick and I'm not so sure why. Maybe you were always like this and you just found it easier to be nice to me when we were dating and allowed to be in love. You used to treat me so well and now I feel like you've made me into a dirty little secret. I don't want this to be a clandestine affair, I want us to be civil friends who can date other people with sound conciences.
Please, shape up or don't bother calling.
We'll be friends of a friend, we'll be sailors passing on ships in the night, waving from the bow and hoping you can see the silhouette.
I hope you sensed the drama guys who appreciate me the night you met them. It's highly likely you'll be losing me entirely to them soon, and I'll barely miss you until you try to be nice again.
To the darling fox.
I think I love you, in the most innocent, beautiful way. It's not even about hugging or kissing or sex, it's about being together and having fun and the way I feel when I'm around you. You're so adorable and cool and interesting and I could spend the rest of my life with you and actually be happy
. No one understands what I see in you, and I love that because that must be looking deeper. You're not the ever-popular "hunk", or the bad-ass "skater", or even the depressed "emo kid". You're you. Intelligent, talented, amusing, and individual. And I love that. To me, you are beautiful. To see you standing alone, pacing back and forth and examining your bruised jaw in the dark reflections of the windows, makes me want to run up and talk to you. Because I walk alone, too. And people call me weird too, and I feel like we're meant to be. I see you a lot of places, and I've never known you until the basketball game. And then yesterday, I got the chance to really talk to you, observe you, and learn more about you. And I have to say, you're perfect. I'm sorry that I'm shy and it's hard for me to randomly walk up to someone and start a conversation. I want you to know that I'd love
to talk to you, anytime you'd like to talk to me. I hope we can get together sometime soon.
(And I'm not making this friends-only, because if you found this, it might be better because then you'd understand how I feel.)
I hate the way you confuse me. I hate how everytime I have to ask you to do something with me. I hate how you never give me direct answers. You told me that you like me, but you are confused. Every action you make, makes me feel like you just lied to me the other night. I don't think you really do like me. I don't really think you want to date me. I don't know what it is about you, but I like you. Maybe it's because you are so different from my ex-boyrfriends and I haven't had that many. I wish you would give me a straight answer...just tell me the truth. I just want to know if you want to hang out with me...or go to prom with me...or if you like me as more than a friend. If you don't want to hang out with me, if you don't want date me, if you don't want to go to prom with me...tell me! Don't just say maybe...I can't take this anymore. Every question I ask isn't a straight answer and everytime you answer and it's not a straight answer it makes me feel more and more like you don't like me. I hate getting on your case...I hate having to ask all the questions. I feel like I'm getting on your nerves and I probably am, but it's partly your fault because you won't give me a straight answer...it's always maybe or I like you, but I'm confused. Well you keep not giving me straight answers and I get more and more confused!!!! Ahhhh!!!! This is driving me crazy...you are driving me crazy!!! I don't know why I like you, but I do and I can't ignore it. So you think about this and maybe then you will tell me a straight answer.
i love you. you're the best friend anyone could ever ask for. you're always there to listen to me. you're always there to put a smile on my face when nobody else can. you're always there to call me your little "carnie fuck" . i love how you always cut me off with your dumbass little stories, and i love how you always end up saying something so stupid that i can't help but laugh at so fucking hard. i love how you and i can spend 10 minutes cracking up about the stupidest shit (albino boy named lemon/retardwithamouthguard/ahhahahahahh
h).i love how you always know just what to say to make the bright side of things shine so much brighter than the dark side. i love how you and i have so many plans, and so many hopes together, and for eachother. i love how you always encourage me, no matter what i do. i love how you and i sit around and reminise with eachother. you're so retarded. you really, really are..your little french inserts into our conversations are seriously hysterical. you're one of the few people i can actually be myself with. you always know just what i'm trying to say, and aren't fooled by my "this may be gay" covers. you're always there to give me advice when things just suck, and you're there to reassure me that things will always get better when you think they're getting worse. you can relate to me like nobody else can and you know just where i'm coming from on so many different areas. i love how you and i can spend five hours talking about nothing, yet never get sick of eachother. i love how when you come over, all we do is shove pistachios in our mouths, and listen to depressing emo music in my room with the candles lit....you bring variety to my life, meg..and i love you for it.