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Monday, April 5th, 2004

Time Event
9:15a
someone new
dearest Steve,

i love you with all my heart, and you know that. but i don't think we are going to work out, i feel i can't trust you with Ashley. i really wish i could, but i can't. and i'm not about to ask Jennie or Rochelle to watch over you, cause i feel they will lie to me, because they don't like you. i really don't know what to do, i don't want to hurt you, but i don't want to hurt either. i'm starting to fall for ______, i think he will understand how i feel. and he knows what to say when i'm sad, to make me happy again. i wish i wasn't in this position, but i am. i like ______ a lot, but i don't know if i should tell him or not, i heard from friends that he does like me. i guess i think he does..but something that he said made me think he didn't. or maybe he just doens't wanna try with me because he's been hurt before. i love you Steve, i always will. we will be best friends forever ♥ //

♥ always merced.

Current Mood: confused
2 ||x
9:26a
Dearest ______ ♥,

i want to tell you all these things i feel inside.
but i feel you won't you them back, or wonder why a girl like me likes a guy like you.
i'm falling for you, i don't know why.
i realized one night i like him, he makes me happy when i'm sad and want to hurt myself.
when i heard about Steve and Ashley, you were there for me.
you made me smile.
i feel you understand me more than Steve and i want us to be together.
i know you've been hurt, and i promise, i will not hurt you.
i will try my hardest not to, i know what it feels like at times not being able to sleep because you've got things on your mind.
i really hope you like me too.
your friends and my friends have both said that you like me and that i'm the reason you can down and hang out with us.
i'm not too sure if this is true, at one point i thought they were just saying that, because of something you said to me.
it sort of hurt, because i was thinking i will ______!! i will!!
i don't think you noticed, but in a way i'm glad you didn't because i don't want to make a fool out of myself for liking you, if you don't like me or want to be together.
you did tell me to hang out with you during spring break, maybe something will happen then?
maybe this week?
spring break is coming up fast, i hope you come down.
i want to tell you how i feel, but like i said i don't want to get hurt.

&hearts ---- Merced

Current Mood: embarrassed
x
4:37p
the reason is you...

Why am I such an idiot? I've denied it from the very beginning and then when I decide to accept it, it's too late.

I just want to warn everyone out there.

Carpe Diem

Seize the day...

Because when that day hits you, when you finally realize that everything you've ever wanted was right in front of your face for 4 years, sometimes it's too late...



Current Mood: crushed
x
4:38p
Dear Christina,

I hate you. I hate you with so much passion inside that it hurts. And the hard part to accept is that you are a nice person, and that he mutually agreed. You were there the 1st time, when I fell, and you're here now, to make sure he doesnt catch me. I look at the pictures, one of me and you, and one of you and him. I look at ours and wonder what you have that I don't. Once I see him and you..he's smiling. He's smiling in a picture. In public. Not like with me, when he smiles and laughs in teh comfort of his own home, where nobody knows it but him and me. And now he isn't even doing that. He's finished with me. He's going to forget about how much we shared and proceed to ignore me. And the fondness between you will only grow stronger. The sad part is..I know both of you won't work out. you tried before..it failed terribly and gave me a chance. Then one of your friends took him for herself too. And now you betray her and poison his mind. I wish you were horrible. I wish it would be easy for me to hate you. The fact is we talk to each other like we don't know. I'm kind to you and vice versa. I guess it's just hard for me to accept that he's chosen you once more. Once more you get the guy, from Robert to Danny to Danny again, and I just wish that maybe I can win one day. Now Danny has chosen, and now he feels guilty and he's loyal to you. So loyal that he will block me from his mind. Now, I walk with my head held high, I still smile at you, and I treat Danny as he treats me..with silence. And I will search high and low, and I will find him..whoever he will be..and he will be mine. And I will win. Just please..don't screw up with Danny again.

Sincerly, Nathalie
x
5:46p
Dear You,
I hate you. I don't understand how you can say "I love you" and "I promise" in the middle of lying about almost everything you have ever told me. I thought I cared about you. I cared about the person you showed me, which obviously wasn't you, because you had to lie because you thought you knew the kind of person I wanted. You can't say that you were afraid you would lose me. If you knew me like you claimed to, you would know that I would have appreciated it more if you told me the truth in first place. You would know that I can take pain of mistakes you made. You would know that I can't take lies. You should have known this was coming the first time you lied. You should have expected it. I can't believe you told one lie after another, expecting nothing to come. You had to have known I would find out, people aren't that stupid. After every lie I took you back. I let your apologies slip away right after they were said. I thought you really meant it when you said "I promise I wont ever lie again." Obviously now, your promises dont mean shit. You said you knew you made mistakes, and then went off and cut yourself once again, because you were afraid to lose me. You are exactly like him. Hypocritical. And you know it. At least he never lied. I can't even admit to myself, or to anyone else that I still care about you. Because if it was my choice, I wouldn't care. If I could control my heart, I would make myself hate you for all that you did. But I cant hate you. I can't hate you after you lied, and cheated, and made stupid comments that killed. So I guess because you can move on so well, because you can control your feelings and I cant, I guess I should hate myself for this. I hope this is what you wanted, because I guess I'm the stupid one.
x
8:34p
</3
dear you,


in regards to my last letter to you a few days ago, i guess you dont love me like i love you. w/e.

man this is fucked.


this is like my fourth letter to you. and in everyone its a new mood. either good or bad. i hate our schitzo friendship/potential relationship.


last week was one of the best weeks this year. i thought you liked me. no, i knew you liked me. i even had a good weekend...b/c i knew. i felt it. and then here we are monday, guess you've moved on....? acting like im so last week...old news. like we didnt even connect ever. we did. i know we did. why dont you like me? you said you did and everything. WHAT AM I DOING SO WRONG TO MAKE YOU LIKE ME ONE WEEK AND ASK OUT OTHER GIRLS THE NEXT? i feel like i dont even matter. i want to die. i want to lay in bed all day and not see you. you're everywhere and i dont want you anywhere. i feel hurt when i look at you. all i want is your love in return and i keep getting this shit. i feel like its not worth it anymore. i want to get over you. but i feel like ive tryed before and i cant. whats it going to take?


i hope when you ask her out...or confess some love to her at one point... she turns you down. i hope she says she would never go out with you. i hope she says you're not her type and you mean nothing to her. you know why? because you're really not her type.... whoever she is. i dont even know, but youre definately not her type. you're my type. why cant you just understand that? we could really be something, but no.


i dont know if i totally hate you or if im totally in love with you.


and maybe this is all my fault..maybe its all in my head or something. i dont know. maybe its my own lust and obsession getting outta control. maybe i think too much about this..think about 'us' more than you did. i dont know. i dont know anything anymore. im exausted mentally. i hate this. love me. thats all ive wanted for the past 6 or 7 months. i need you to love me. i feel so abandoned right now. just act like you did last week forever. plzzzz.


<3 me

Current Mood: melancholy
x
8:55p
New
hey im new here. Im a fan of finch, and writing letters that let evrything out i need to let out. So i guess this is the place for me. Add me, if you would like *blushing face* thanks
14 ||x
9:58p
i knew feeling this way for Him was a mistake. one of my "friends" that tell me to break up with Steve asked me why i did it last night. and i was like uhh 1 i feel i can't trust him and 2 you were telling me to, and that he was just lying to me!! omg, she pissed me off so bad. and i tell her who i like and she's like oh he doesn't like you. and i'm like wtf! you were the one who first told me he liked me, even the kids in pleasanton were saying that to me!! gosh, she's lucky i'm not rude like she is.

</3

Current Mood: angry
x
11:47p
i feel...
i feel as if im suffocating
this is getting far too serious
everytime we speak again
your thoughts are so mysterious

i feel as if i mean nothing
im treated like dirt over and over
i wish i meant more to him
like a prized four leaf clover

i feel as if im alone
wishing you were by my side
waiting for your comforting arms
because thats where my heart once died

i feel as if im dead inside
sitting here in my darkest hour
listening to songs we used to love
in my room as i shred this flower


i would write more but i just cant think. its a work in progress i guess. let me know what you think, and if youd like to be lj friends, im up for that :). oo and does anyone have cool and pretty icons theyd like to share? i really like deadsy22127's (i think thats the username, its somewhat hard to memorize by looking at it once, sorry if its wrong)

Current Mood: weird
2 ||x

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