I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope|
[Most Recent Entries]
Sunday, April 4th, 2004
dear tim -
you're all i want and nothing more, but that's not good enough.
Dear Boy I'm too Afraid to Open Up to-
I just wish...I could get past this stupid thing...
it pains me to feel like this, and to hold back because of it."I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours."
Maybe..I'm wrong...and maybe you're just what I need..
|But everything you do is leading to the point when you just won't know what to do...
I'm sorry I'm so stupid. I know you don't care and hate talking about anything that might set me off...you know, like a rock in my shoe...so I'll write my apology in a note. I don't mind lack of response to a letter as much as silence on the phone.
Its all my fault, anyways. I sware, its just the estrogen and neurosis speaking.
Just like that fake interview, I'm guilty of both vanity and self-loathing. I wanted to hear your "book talk," heh, because I thought it could lead to intelligent conversation and that I could actually help YOU with something. I know now that'll never happen, though, after trying for months -- but I can dream, right?
I also know that I'm dumb to even get annoyed by the whole (and very small) thing. Heh, kinda involves doublethink. I know its insignificant, but I think its important that it IS so insignificant.
I wish for anything to happen so that the urge to punish myself would subside, or so I won't have to punish you by calling and longing to speak these words, but falling silent instead.
You don't have to reply. You don't seem to be the love (or whatever) letter type. Anymore, anyways.
Sorry for all the annoyance I've caused you.
Peace, Love, Empathy.
I wrote that while we were still dating...its not dated, though. Hmm. Current Mood: confused
|i never said i'd take this lying down. . .
ok, ive already talked about this, but your friend told my friend you liked me. if this is true. anyways, you got on a second ago and i was on, but on a different sn...and i saw your profile and it said "i think i <3 her" all randomly. i hope this isnt another mix up like last time when i saw something like that in your profile......bleh. i dont want get my hopes up or anything this time i guess.
i want to be 'her.' way more than you know.
plzzz let me be that 'her.'
maybe i am 'her'......?
do you love me like i love you?
<3 me Current Mood: hopeful
|I am the new one.
I don't have the courage to respond to all of my brother's letters,he is abusive, addict, and an alcoholic.
I have a lot to say to you. I don't want to put you down anymore then you are, and I want you to get better up there. I miss you more then anything right now, and to see that you are still hurting yourself is hurting me just like the glass to your wrist. I've done it to, for you sometimes. The decisions you made affected everyone around you. Your school, threatened by your words and actions, your father who was never there for us, his house was being put into words as a jail, your mother especially, she feels as if she was a bad parent, and she thought that you didn't feel loved by her. And me.
Scars left from you are left inside and out. I can't get you and all of your incidents out of my mind. Every night I have a nightmare. But it isn't a fake nightmare. It's real, and it's you. I press stop, pause and rewind and thinking of you is jsut a deadly disease. I want to talk to you, oh so badly but I don't want you to think that I forgive you. Because I don't I never can, and will. You hurt me so badly. You made me want to end it off so badly. I couldn't take you hitting me anymore, or coming home drunk and taking your anger out on me, I can't take you throwing me or hurting me before hurting yourself. She was right, when you leave the problems jsut don't automatically go away, they remain untouched and not spoken of. I know, inside of you there is the good kid, who used to play fotoball with me, walk the dogs, dye our hair or just talk with me. I want to erase the curroption you've caused, and just begin with a clear slate. I want mom and dad to get back together, and I want you to be my best friend, like always. You can always want what you can't have. And I can't have you back.
You think you can come back, get an apartment, a job, and your license. You can't do any of that. You can't drive till your 21. And that was mainly my fault, I shouldn't have let you get into that car, I knew it wasn't safe, you couldn't even walk let alone drive a car that wasn't yours. I knew what was going on all along and I didn't say anything, Mom still would have let you be here if it wasn't for me. I had to get out, and I still do. But come back with a positive attitude, and new friends. Start again, for me. Please...
I wanna love you. I want to be that special someone who you've been waiting for. I'm not. I can't. I'm sorry. It can never be how it was in the beginning. It was the funnest year of my life, lot of good memories. But now I've realized too much and I can't go back. "Ignorance is bliss" and unfortunetly, I'm not ignorant. I've tried. I guess that's why I still can't let you go. Run from me. You expect me to be this certain girl. The girl who I was a year ago. I'm not. I'm not special, I play mind games, I'm self-conscience, I'm a pot-head, I over-analyze everthing, and I can't quit. I've tried hard, it just won't work. I'm different now and so are you. I love you forever. Goodbye, once and for all.
P.S. Don't wait up. Current Mood: cold
I wish you could talk to me like you used to. I wish you didn't feel guilty or I wish you could have enough sense to comprehend this all. I wish I could write about everything; from the day I 1st fell for you through all of the secrets we share. But I can't. I don't have the patience anymore. I've ALWAYS had patience with you, telling myself that one day you would come around. but it never happened. I was always your shoulder to lean on..even though you were never there for me. I loved you so much and I gave my heart away, but that was still NEVER good enough. I had to be gorgeous for you to give me a look, and that was only when I had a bikini on. You never understood inner beauty. Not even the beauty within yourself. I hope you will remember that from me. Even though you astrological sign is Cancer, you were never that emotional or intuitive.
Don't get me wrong..I still care. Oh, how I wish for 2 weeks ago, where you and I would be talking for hours. We're going to be ok, right? But come summer, what can we do? Ignore each other? Well, that's easy for you..you proved that to me last summer...but we have so much between us that it can never go away. But you're happy..that's all that matters to me. That was all I ever wanted. That, to me, was true love.
Whatever comes and whatever goes, Danny, I just want you to know that even years from now....when we are both out of college, married, and have had children..I will STILL be thinking about you, even though I will only be a figment of your imagination. When you smile, I will smile; when you cry, I will cry ;and when you oustide, contemplating life, looking up at the moon, I will too. There is always someone who cares about you Danny..always and forever.
The most I can ever ask of you is when if anyone mentions about that girl named Nathalie from years ago, I just want you to say "Someone who truely loved me".
Love, Nathalie ♥
|Waste my breath on paper.
I know you saw my name when you signed into messenger. I know you sat nervously, praying to the God you never believed in that I wouldn't speak to you. I know that you were the same way when we dated...but what do you know?
Do you know that when I saw your name pop up on the screen, my chest seemed to implode and breathing seemed foreign? Do you know that I'm so pathetic that I opened a conversation window, staring at your display picture, wondering wether or not to say hello?
Not speaking with you is PHYSICALLY painful. I'm begging you, lovely...TALK to me. "You can tell me how vile I already know that I am." Tell me that the sight of my face makes you sick; that you'd 'rather die than half to see my smile.' Did Alkaline Trio say 'all my favorite singers have stolen all my favorite lines?' You used to sing to me...sing to me! Sing a bitter, depressing song that I don't want to hear. Tell me you miss me, tell me you don't miss me, tell me you're glad I finally backed off! "Do anything save to lay down and die!"
"Your words were my free-dumb."
Be content, I love you, I understand.
Peace ------- Love ------- Empathy Current Mood: blank
|I said I loved you but I lied.
We are opposites. Total opposites. Your up i'm down, your black and i'm white. You don't care about school, I am a straight A student. Your on probation until your 21, and I am totally against what your doing. You were controlling, and I forgave you. That was your last chance. I stopped feelings for you a long time ago. But three hours after we ended it, you smoke pot and had sex for the first time in a park? without a condom? the girl had a boyfriend?
You fucked it up big time. Don't throw the I love you's and crap. I don't want it. I don't want you. You caused this. All of it. I hate you so much for doing this.
So then come the excuses, saying we weren't going out, saying it's my fualt because he was pissed. Yes you are fully right that we weren't going out. But 3 hours? Three fucking hours.
And finally, it's the I am going to kill myself. Nobody wants you to die. You jsut ufkced up big time. I am not going to throw you a damned pity party. I want you out of my life. Then saying, "well if I kill myself it's bwecasue you don't love me and your going to go have sex with other guys."
I said I was going to have sex with other guys to make to mad. To make you feel 1/4 of the anger that I have for you right now.
Just leave me alone. Stop making the screen name to talk to me, nothing is going to change my mind.
Why won't you do yourself?