March 26th, 2004

(no subject)

Dear You,

Today all I did was think about you.

My friends can be little shits, I know. I hope they didn't scare you. They kinda scare me, ya know. But I hope I didn't scare you. Let me tell you how this all happened before you think I'm stalking you.

I was sitting, when I saw you walk by. I had to stare. You looked so beautiful. And I told some friends. And before I knew it, I just didn't think you were cute. I wanted to get to know you more. But for further reference, I don't believe in love at first sight. Maybe 5th or 6th, but definitely not first. I think its vain and shallow, and I would never think like that about you.

But today... I felt like a little girl. I was so scared of rejection, but I wanted to know what you would say to me. So as I was being dragged to where you were sitting, I was frantically thinking of what I could say. I was shaking and quivering. You have that kind of affect.

I opened my mouth to speak and forced out breath, but my heart was pounding. I hoped you wouldn't look at me disgustedly. I hate this feeling, like I'm going crazy. I tried to act cool and calm but I think I failed at that.

And as our conversation ended, I was almost in tears. I don't know why, though. I wanted to welcome the tears but they stayed in my eyes. They never fell. Nobody saw. I showed excitement. Hell, I WAS excited. Everybody thought I was crazy, but I'm smitten.

Walking home today, I just thought, "Wouldn't it be so movie-cliche if he pulled up right next to the sidewalk?" A car did pull up, but thankfully it wasn't you. I kept thinking about what it would be like to feel your hand in mine. I never thought I would take this so seriously, but I can't help it. I want to know you. You can't help who you love.

Today I thought about you...
  • Current Mood
    touched touched

(no subject)

i love you*   

            somethings you cant fix. i cant really judge your life, or who you're with right now...all i know is that you arent here...or even in my imagination at this point. So many times you've figured you wanted to be with me, then a couple months later you decide you're bored and want to move on. Its like a cycle you keep coming back, and i have no power to decline, you're like a bad habit? sounds like what im looking for...because i dont want to love you...i cant, every time you say you love me, you break me..and i dont know how to fix my broken heart. People probably look upon my situation and think, this is just a one time high school love...that everyone goes through. but they dont know how many times..and how many times ive wanted to say no, and make you go away...and how i couldnt. i just wanted to be near you, love you, make everything in yours and my life perfect.  I can do that you know, if you would just give me more than a month to show you. I'm waiting..for that night you promised...the night that will never come. I told you id give myself up for you..and you said that it would be'd make it that way. and im still here...never touched..never broken waiting for you to make me whole again. Maybe im looking in all the wrong places, you seem to look for the girls that are nothing like me..but yet you always seem to come back...never forever..and leaving me hoping that next time will be the last that i will hurt.  I try and get over you, i try and find the perfect guy..but in my one will match up....not a single man.  He says he'll try and fill your shoes...but only i can one is like one pretends to not care the way you its like the thrill of the chase..but when i need it most you are the man of my dreams...when will you be there for me...i need my man....i need him now

-half heartedly broken

  • Current Music
    the tv...silence that scares me*

(no subject)

Dear Wendy,

You've subbed at school so many times and each time I want to tell you everything but I feel like it'd be such an unnecessary burden to you. As I write to you I am unsure that I will ever send this to you..though I probably should, I might not. There's been so much random stuff going on this year. It seems like everytime one person gets over a break down another person starts falling apart. Well then again that's really just Jackie and I.
I don't know if Jackie or Michelle or someone ever told you but last year about the week after Jackie and I talked to you about my depression I had a lil encounter with cutting. My mom found out but I really have never gotten over it. It's always in the back of my mind. It seemed like such a simple solution to my problems but caused so much chaos in reality. So often I want to revert back to that. It was so much easier. As long as no one knew I could take everything out on myself and be happy around other people.
There really was a point in telling you that...oh right. This year with out you to talk to I'm falling apart again. I don't know how far it'll go and I'm a little scared to talk about where it's gone in the past couple of months. I guess my point in this is I really want to know that I'm not a burden to you. You keep telling me to stay in touch and there is nothing I want more than your advice right now. You've made such a huge difference in my life and I appreciate it beyond expression. I just hope you'll keep making that difference.

I don't know..should I send it to her? What do you guys think?
  • Current Music
    Genie in a bottle