I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope|
[Most Recent Entries]
Sunday, March 14th, 2004
|i love you soo much..it hurts
-im just super shy to even say anything to you face to face. I cant stand it if somebody hates me, and i dont want anything to come out too forward and scare you away. Id be lost without, and i like you ALOT. So thats one thing you dont have to worry about. Im sorry that i dont tell you anything, its just that im scared of what the outcome will be. And if something goes wrong, i dont want to screw anything up forever. Like i found the convo that you and ash had last night, and i guess were both scared of the same thing, we just need to talk and i know it will all be okay. I dont want to scare you if you think i dont like you, just talk to me kay. Cuz i do, I promise. Its not your fault that I cry, im just stupid, i make stupid desisions and then I follow through, like when we broke up for a week. Little things like that make me stupid. I should of just told you how I felt and not just broken up with you. Im really glad that were back together, and theres gonna be bumps along the way, but we can get over them if we just talk. And everything will be okay. So if you ever do get this, i just wanted you to know how I feel. I like you alot and dont worry about it, and if I cry, its not your fault, cuz a relationship is with 2 people, so its not always blamed on the other person. I love you tons
<3/ Jessica Nichole
aka PoOkIe! Current Mood: accomplished
| Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't,
I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason
I feel so broken up
And I give up
I just want to tell you so you know
Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one
Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone Current Mood: crushed
I’ll never be able to tell you this face to face, so why not write it in a letter? I just wanted to tell you how deeply you’ve scarred me. With every word you’ve spoken, I’ve added a brick to the barrier I’ve built around the piece of my heart I gave to you a long time ago. It was yours, without a word, but now, there’s hardly any room for you to move in my heart. The artificial love you’ve filled my cup of life to the brim with has finally spilled over the top, making you look stupid and selfish. Although I know you try… try to be a good father, you never succeeded in doing so. This is a bitter letter, one that I’ll never be able to send, but it helps rescue me from the abyss of darkness of which I’ve plunged myself into. Thankfully, this letter will be my tool to help unearth me from where I’ve been so buried alive.
When I was a child, you made me believe it was ALL my mothers fault. Well, surprise! Dad, it’s not, it wasn’t and it never will be. Don’t try to pin the blame on her anymore, because I’m older and I’ve experienced first handedly the evil within you. Now that I’ve grown up, I’ve developed my own sense of who I am, and who you are. I don’t let anyone influence my judgments on you, nor anyone else’s path I’ve crossed.
Does it make you feel pathetic? I mean, knowing your oldest son - whom you’ve hurt far deeper than I- was a better father than you were? It hurts to have to overlook the fact that I’ll never be the grinning, blonde, poster child of a Daddy’s girl, which every little girl dreams of being.
I won’t lie. I won’t overlook the laughter we’ve shared, of the times in which I’ve forgotten all the holes you’ve jabbed in my heart with the rusty needle so stubbornly gripped between your forefinger and thumb. But to me, the pain shines brighter than any smile you’ve EVER placed on my face.
I’ll end this letter now, for I’ve been drained of all emotion for you, except pity. I have nothing to say except that I hope your little girlfriend fills the void that I’ve left in your heart.
Oh and by the way, recently I found out you decided to ask your little gold-digging girlfriend to marry you. Well congratulations, Mark. You not only guaranteed yourself a new daughter and wife, but you, yourself added the brick that finished off the wall around my heart. I sure hope you sign a prenuptial agreement. That’s it, goodbye.
|To you my love
I alwasy thought that we would end up as good friends but now all I have is one thing to tell you
I HATE YOU!!!
I may act happy all the time and tell you everything but it was all lies. I once wanted to be your friend but now that desire faded and only left behind a bitter hatred for you.
Your once loving,
|why can't i feel anything from anyone other than you??
you know that i dont care and i haven't cared about "what we are" or our status or anything like that. But i need to know how you feel. I need to know if you feel the same way about me that I feel about you. I've tried to get over you so many times, and I was truly almost successful until we hung out on valentines day. if you don't have feelings for me then why do you cuddle with me? why whenever you are upset or scared you call me? why do you call me
when your tripping and you need someone to talk to to keep you from buggging out? why did we hang out EVERY night in the summer? why have we been hooking up for the last 9 months--yet we are just friends? why are you looking for girlfriends on myspace.com if you have one right in front of you?
remember in the summer when we sat on the beach in the middle of the night and watched the stars? remember when you professed to me that i am the only person you can trust? remember when you were leaving for florida and left me a goodbye message? remember the night in the summer before i left for school and we slept in your bed and you played smashing pumpkins? remember when we planned your party? remember when we we sit outside of hammils until one of us grabbed each other to kiss? remember when you held my hand while we were kissing? alllll those nights...so many times i came home at 6am in the morning and had to go to work at 10. but i didn't care. not one bit. remember the first time we kissed in your car when you drove me home drunk? remember all the parties you stole my keys to stop me from driving home? remember the time we had to hide in your bathroom? remember when you put me in ninas bed and said that you would come back from me?
you take me for granted. i can say that pretty confidently. what girl can you text for days on end? what girl can you talk to about your bands and she'll tell you how it is cuz she knows how it is? what girl are you good friends with her brothers too? what girl would find you weed/alcohol/parties in the middle of the night just so you have something to do? what girl smokes weed just to get close to you?
what girl can you tell anything to and she doesn't tell anyone? what girl has tons of friends that you actually like? i do so much for you and i'd do so much more if you would only let me. when you say you're gonna call to hang out and then you don't i cry. you didn't know that did you? i've only kissed 2 other guys in the last 9 months and i didn't feel anything when i did. do you know why? because of you. when i kiss you i savor every second because for a short period of time i feel like your girlfriend and not just the best friend. if you're using me please stop because i dont have the strength to stop you. i'd do anything to get close to you--even if it means being used. And i know im not a loser. i know im not uncool. my friends can't make sense out of this whole thing cuz there are a ton of boys here at school--yet i spend my time thinking about a boy thats at home and won't fucking wake up.
you are so beautiful to me. i believe in you more than anyone else. when i watch you play shows i melt. i believe that one day you're gonna be in a band that's gonna make it---you are too talented not to.
you have no idea how much you mean to me. when i came home from school last summer i was soo fucking depressed about dan sizelove. i couldn't stop thinking about him and what he did to me and how i thought i wanted him back. but then me and you got so close so fast...you showed me that not all boys care about hooking up with girls--that at least there are still some boys that are pure. remember when you said, "I dont want you to think im an asshole like every other boy cuz im not and i dont want to me" or remember when you said "i've never been to a strip club and I probably won't ever go they are the most pointless things"? I fell for you because of when you said shit like that. you are so refreshing, so different, so pure.
but thats what i can't understand....you don't even notice if someone is a boy or a girl--they are always a person to you. you've never cared about hooking up with girls or trying to be coool. then why would you be using me? if you are using me then you are
an asshole like all the other boys.
i would drive home 2 hours every fucking weekend to be with you. i would go to brick and pick you up and bring you back here. i wouldn't cheat on you. i wouldn't take you for granted. i wouldn't use you. i wouldn't smother you. i wouldn't break your heart i promise. i love you and i dont think you have any idea how you have been hurting me...
and the worst part is i have the most difficult time trying to say this to you. and im soo afraid that it will never be said.
ps---this secret is killing me.