March 13th, 2004

Hi, I'm new.

Dear T,

So what the hell is up with you? Well, I don't know why I ask, because I think I understand. As soon as things started going well with you and KT, you stopped talking to me. All right, that's fine. She's a bitch, and she treated you like shit. I treated you like a king and I never got half the credit KT did for treating you like dirt. As soon as she ditches you again, you come crawling back to me and expect things to be just the same as they always were. I'm sorry, but it can't happen. I don't want to turn into another KT and if you have any brain in your head you know that I can't sink that low. I was always just sort of there, you know? I was there for you to shit on and use and talk to, I was always there to comfort you, I was always there to support you and worry about you and talk to you late into the night. And as soon as that bitch decided to latch onto you again, it was like I never existed. What the hell has she ever done for you? Nothing but make you hurt. And if you chose her over me for that long, then I know I never really meant anything to you. And it pisses me off. But it's your loss, because I loved you. I would have done anything for you. I could have given you the world. I've told you so many times, I don't know how you can't see it. Maybe you're just so absorbed in your own self-pity and this self-deprecating saga you've constructed, you wouldn't see anything good if it hit you in the face with a two-by-four. I know people hurt you and I know you feel sad, but you've got to come up for air sometime. You wonder why no one stays with you for very long? Because you won't let them. Just dammit! I could have been good for you. But you let me slip away.

Love Hope peace

holding hands

We sat at a movie you wanted to see after i was up early this morning and all I wanted to do was reach over and grab your hand and just hold it. I wanted calm you downa fter you looked upset from getting there late. You know I didn't ever mean to upset you.. But I didn't reach for your hand because you kept it in your sweatshirt pocket the entire time. What was that about. Anyway on the way home you poked me and I decided that I would take that chance. We held hands for those few minutes and everything seemed right. Although you drove me crazy pushing buttons and opening random car doors i realized that I was smiling. smiling from just being around you. I missed that it seems as if we took a couple steps backward last sunday and then tonight it just came together. For those moments it was as if we had some real relationship that was easily defined and fit all the boundries. I don't want that though...I just want to hold your hand and kiss you good night. Just like tonight.
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