March 12th, 2004


The Voices Inside My Head

Forgive me for wasting your time reading this, or attempting too.. it's just i really need someone to talk to or at least to write this down.. so maybe, just maybe if i really write, what i cant say, or even begin to describe, i can find some closure, some sort of way to just make myself get over it. because i love my mom to death and i have been telling her everything, and it has just been making her even more depressed.. and that is not what she needs right now, being sick and all.

so here i am running circles in my mind. guilt.. i feel so much guilt.. and i feel so selfish to wish.. that i could have a life like the others my age.. parties.. and drinking and movies and dates.. and so many things that i will miss out on, because i have a different path cut out for me. when my mom got sick, it changed everything. and i feel really sorry about that. and i wish there was something.. anything i could do to help her improve with her walking.. but i have done absoulutely.. nothing.. and it hurts to watch each day pass and know.. i done nothing to change anything..all i do is ramble on about how i wish i was someone else, or i was moving out.. or what have you.. and i feel a lot of guilt for that.

i think about the pharmacy college, and how i screwed up there. how could i be so dumb? why didnt i just try harder? how could i get so depressed? why did i think it was over? and event tho i press myself for answers i can't find, it somehow doesn't make me feel any better or any worse, it just makes me feel ..numb. *tears* Numb.. that is how I have been walking around these past few weeks. I have been so hurt, and depressed, and sad, and lonely..that i have just went numb... and i dont even remember what i used to be like, or used to feel, I don't even remember who i am anymore.

i used to call myself a loser everyday, but that didnt help, either. but i am a loser. i messed up in college, i messed up at jobs, im messing up as a Christian.. I mean, i can't do anything right. Some days i just wake up wondering why I am here again for the next day. Somedays i cant even get out of bed.I hate myself so much, I can't even explain it in words. *you may exit my pity party.*

itz my pity party.. i can cry if i want to..
cry if i want to..
u would cry to.. if it happened to you..

*thank u for listening*
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my shoes

(no subject)

A --

I think you're bullshit, and it drives me nuts. I'm always one to say what I think, but, for some reason, I can't seem to say it to you. Maybe it's fear that our common friends will turn on me. You told me that T said if it ever came down to a choice it'd be you. I hate these "conditions" that I think are made up. You say you have kidney problems, but you drink and you're a caffeine addict. You say that you shattered every bone in your body in a rock-climbing accident because you were stubborn and refused to use safety equipment and that you went to work anyway. First of all, if it's true, it's not stubborn, it's stupid. Secondly, if you'd really shattered every bone in your body, you wouldn't've gone to work because you would've been in a body cast. You turned my best friend against me. I loved J. I still love J. I always will. You did everything you could to turn him against me. Maybe I helped you out because I told him outright that I thought it was crap if he led you on at all because everyone knows he has a girlfriend. Then you went and told him that I said I'd kick your ass if you broke them up. I like K a lot. I think she's sweet, and I don't think you're good enough for him. But, truth is, I'd never threaten to kick your ass, it's not my style. I'm more likely to threaten that if you ever talked about me again, I'd cut out your tongue with my dull box-cutter and feed it to my rat. I'm meaner than you give me credit for. But you can cry on cue, and you sucked him in, and he's not innocent either, but I can't believe when he kissed you you acted like you were the wounded party. And you can't understand why K wouldn't want you guys hanging out anymore. And now you're going after M even though you know he's married and even though you know he has kids. I don't know whether to puke or cry. Melissa said I have a crush on him, and maybe there's an ounce of truth to it, but I'd never act on it. I think you would though. I can't believe you were walking through the hall talking so loud to M about how everyone thinks you two have something going on, knowing that anyone could've been around the corner, including K, J, OR M's wife, considering that they all work with us. Why do you have to do this?? Why do you think you have to be the center of attention all the time?? Why does it always have to be someone that I care about that you go after and try to ruin their relationships?? I just want to let you know that, even though I may not say anything, and even though I feel like I have to be nice to you for the sake of our friends and because we have to work together, I'm onto your game. I'm the only one in the group who knows and has talked to everyone and put it all together. I'm stepping back from this one because if M's wife even THINKS something's going on, she's gonna freak out because she's already the scary jealous type, but you need to know that I'm not stupid and I see what you're doing and, in the end, you'll get yours.

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