I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope|
[Most Recent Entries]
Tuesday, March 9th, 2004
why do you do this to me? what do you want me to do? weve know eachother for 7 years now, and i dont want to be with you. you'd think you'd get the hint already. your a great guy, dont get me wrong, but all you can be to me is a friend. i hate that i have to avoid hanging out with you b/c it always turns out awkward. i hate that i cant sit and talk to you like we used to, b/c sooner or later it turns into you crying b/c i wont stay the night or i dont share the same feelings for you. i dont want to be nice anymore. im so sick of listening to you complain about your life that really isnt that bad. im so sick of listening to you whine about not being able to have me. i love you so much when your in a good mood, and we laugh and joke and talk for hours, we really have so much in common, and you're really one of the longest lasting friends i've had. but i cant keep going on like this, its so frustrating! you just need to calm down. you dont need a girlfriend to be happy. im almost sorry that that "one night" between us happened, b/c i havent been able to live it down since...the constant bringing it up has got to stop. i only did it to make you feel better, and possibly shut you up, but it didnt work that way. and i regret it. it also worries me when you say that even if ten years down the line when you have kids and a wife, if i were to come to you and say that id finally like to be with you, thatd youd drop them in a heartbeat to make a new life with me...thats not flattering. thats borderline creepy. ive been nice for this long b/c i do like you as a person and as a friend. but if some of this stuff doesnt stop, i dont think im going to be able to hold onto this friendship for much longer. just stop making me feel bad for my decisions and my feelings, and for pete's sake toughen up.
Can't you see that every time you hurt yourself you're hurting me? I know what you're going through and I've been there, but that doesn't mean I want to be your confidant. I know I should get you help, talk to your shrink or whatever, but I can't. Because that would be turning you in and letting your parents have yet another reason to take you away from this city and all of us. We love you, and we care about you, but self-mutilation isn't a game. So now I'm stuck here, a cliff before me and wolves behind me, not knowing what to do. I know I said I wouldn't tell anyone, but I have to talk to someone or I'll go crazy. I don't want to keep a secret like this. But I will. I'll keep my silence until I know what to do. I just hope it's not too late.
|why is it like this?
i wonder how many times i have to go through things like this. You think you know everything about my life, and i dont mean to be one of those teens who think they know everything and are so acknowlegeable about life, im far from something in that nature. But i wish you would stop torturing those around me. You think you know what i have to go through everyday, not an ordinary life. I go to others houses and i see how their parents are..and how you cant even shake a boys hand..you are a dispicable person sometimes and i dont know how to tell you that you are ruining any chance with anything in life except college. Life isnt just about your future...job is what you are looking at..its about relationships...its about a family about loved ones...but you teach me to care about grades and school my social life is cut to a bare minimum. Others complain about their parents...and then they meet you...and they are scared. SCARED? and i wonder why ive had to endure so much. I dont even think my life has been that unbearably bad..but when friends are afraid to come over to my house..and there are holes in my doors because of your angry fists...scars on my back..and bruises where they cant be seen...it makes me wonder what kind of person im going to grow up to be. I dont want my children to endure anything that ive had to go through..but most kids grow up to be like their parents and if this is true, i dont want to live to see my kids. I dont want to hurt them..or hold them back from anything important to them in their life..like you are doing now. I wish you would just listen to one thing i have to say. But i could never run away. I do love you...and i do wish you would lead a better life..for the both of us. I want you to be happy...the way it was before the divorce..but we cant change time..and heres where you should listen to the one thing left in your life that actually means something. listen...or i dont want to be heard. Current Mood: confused
I can't believe this is happening again. I know it must seem like I'm meaning to do it, but I'm really not. I admit, I probably wasn't totally in the right for what I did to you last year, I mean, I did
meet Kevin through you, and it was completely your fault we met, which had to have driven you crazy. And here I am again, becoming closer to another one of your exes. Although, from the surface, this may seem like it's the same thing over again, there are many things which are different. I met Kevin because he was YOUR boyfriend, and there was no way I would have met him if it wasn't for you. With Jerry, I met him after you broke up, and on my own time. I mean, we went to dinner with a group of mutual friends, and we just naturally started talking. You weren't even there that night. When I met Kevin, you and I were much closer than we are now. The only reason I met Kevin is because I was spending so much time with you. Now we are obviously still friends, but we are not even half as close as we used to be. Dispite all of this, I will give you that you never liked Kevin...and you did like Jerry a lot and I'll bet you still do. I am so worried about hurting you, though. I don't know how to feel about Jerry yet, and I don't know that anything is or will be happening between us. But I am scared to death of hurting you again and losing our friendship about something so stupid. At the same time, it's not like I did anything wrong. It's not like I "stole" him from you. And I have just as much of a right to be happy as you do. And I deserve a guy like him.
Like I said, I don't know what's to come, and I'm probably jumping the gun on all this. But I know that whatever I chose, I will end up hurting you. And for that, I am truly sorry. Just know that that's not my intent, and that I am doing none of this to spite you. I only want to be happy. I love you, even if you don't believe me.
Love, your jump-rope pal, Mic Current Mood: contrite
|all the difference
you smiled at me today. and it made feel good. mabey next time we can talk. Current Mood: accomplished
I HATE YOU.
STOP COMING BACK. I DONT WANT TO DEAL WITH YOU ANYMORE. I DONT WANT TO DEAL WITH YOU, YOUR WHORE EX GIRLFRIEND, YOUR SHITTY ASS REPUTATION, YOUR HORNY JACKASS ATTITUDE, YOUR SELFISHNESS AND EVERY OTHER CHARACTERISTIC ABOUT YOU THAT I DESPISE.
PLEASE JUST MAKE THIS EASY FOR BOTH OF US AND EITHER MOVE OR GO FUCK UP AGAIN.
IM BEGGING YOU. Current Mood: f7ck.