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I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope
 
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Sunday, March 7th, 2004

Time Event
2:47p
Dear Mom,
If only I could tell you everything about everything that has happend in my life. If only I could tell you how I felt. I want to tell you everything.. about how I can't look in the mirror anymore without crying or looking at tylenol bottles and wishing I had enough courage to pick it up and swallow it whole. I wish you knew about the razor blades in my top drawer wrapped in tissues in my heart shaped tin. I wish I could tell you how close I have come to ending it once and for all. I wish you heard me crying every night. I wish I could tell you all of this without you sending me somewhere or blaming yourself for anything. I know you went through all of this too, at least I'm guessing you did, but I can't find the courage to tell you about this. Or about how those boys used me. Or how I'm not "such a good girl" as you like to remind me everyday. I just wish that for once I could be totally honest with you and you wouldn't have a panick attack. This is what I wish for every day of my life.

Sincerely yours,
Your Loving Daughter.
x
6:41p
mike-
after two years of friendship, after two years of loving eachtoher and hating eachother, after two years of nothing .. something finally happened. we finally got that emotional, long awaited first kiss. was it great? yeah. did it make me think? of course. do i know what i want to happen now? not at all. last night, i was ready to go .. and you started to talk. for over a half hour .. and after that half hour i got my kiss goodnight. well .. i'm seventeen. the last thing i want right now, is some serious out of control relationship. i want to have fun wtih my best friend still .. but on that next level. i don't want to get involved in something so deep and emotional that it makes me not appreciate my final high school years. when we kissed i knew things were going to change, and i knew things weren't going to be easy. and i do want to work to see what could happen - because i think we both know how great this could be. but - the feelings you have for me, are so deep and so intense .. and that honestly scares the shit of of me. because yes i do have feelings for you .. but they are not at the same place as you are. i'm so scared to tell you this .. but i don't love you how you love me. i don't sit up at night wondering what to say or how to say it. i don't worry about the smallest things - i dont need everything to be perfect. you have this picture .. that us together is this wonderful spectacular thing that is so passionate and love filled .. but i am not at the point right now. at all. i'm not ready for that sort of commitment, for that sort of life. i love you, and i want something to happen .. but i need you to be able to come to terms with the fact that we are in two different places and that you can't be my everything because right now, i won't let you. ..i don't know what to say or how to say this to you .. but you have to know. i'm sorry for not being the everything that you have always thought i was .. i'm just this girl who isn't ready for something like this yet...
kim

Current Mood: contemplative
x
9:39p
Hey dad
yah, i just want you to know that your eventully gonna screw up my life. You never listen to me so theres really no point in even talking to you sometimes. It makes me mad how you do that crap, i dont even wanna spend time with you during the summer now. Since your always gonna be with Rachel or Allie, and i always fight with you anyways. I minds will just say here and make up the classes im failing, and get my licence here. You just go flirt and pretend that Allie is your daugher since you spend more time with her, instead of your own daughter that you hate. Since you dont have any custity of me anyway, i dont know what to do. I just think you need to shape up, and fix stuff. Like listening to your only daugher. Then we might get along better..

//abbi

Current Mood: pissed off
x
10:52p
I think this is going to be one of those nights...
Hey Dad, I'm writing to you
Not to tell you that I still hate you
Just to ask you how you feel
And how we fell apart, how this fell apart


Are you happy out there in this great, wide world?
Do you think about your sons?
Do you miss your little girl?
When you lay your head down how do you sleep at night?
Do you even wonder if we're alright?

But we're alright,
We're alright.

It's been a long, hard road without you by my side
Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried?
You broke my mother's heart, you broke your children for life
It's not okay, but we're alright.
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long, lost memory of mine
I spent so many years learning how to survive
Now I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive
Yeah, I'm still alive.

The days I spent so cold, so hungry, were full of hate
I was so angry, the scres run deep inside this tattooed body
There's things I'll take to my grave, but I'm okay, I'm okay.

It's been a long, hard road without you by my side
Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried?
You broke my mother's heart, you broke your children for life
It's not okay, but we're alright.
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long, lost memory of mine
I spent so many years learning how to survive
Now I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive

And sometimes, I forgive, yeah and this time I'll admit
That I miss you, said I miss you

It's been a long, hard road without you by my side
Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried?
You broke my mother's heart, you broke your children for life
It's not okay, but we're alright.
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long, lost memory of mine
I spent so many years learning how to survive
Now I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive

And sometimes. I forgive, yeah this time I'll admit
That I miss you, I miss you...hey Dad.

Current Mood: melancholy
3 ||x

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