March 2nd, 2004

(no subject)

Is this your way of punishing people for telling? Well news flash, I'M NOT THE ONE THAT TOLD. Cuz frankly that would have been stupider then what you AND I are already doing. You know exactly why I don't want my parents to know. I don't particularly like failing my parents. Especially like this. Especially when my dad is in China. I can't believe you'd tell me that you're going to do the same thing to me and at the same time are yelling at your other friends for doing it to you. In who's world does that make sense? Certainly not mine. Lets think of another way to deal with this that doesn't involve my mother! I don't mind telling Wendy. I'd tell her in a heartbeat. Except for the fact that she'd almost certainly make me tell my mom...or she'd tell my mom herself. I can't put that kinda pressure on my mother. So you go do your thing and ruin my life for good. Thanks a lot. I love you too.
  • Current Music
    The first cut is the deepest

(no subject)

i havent seen you in awhile. i think about you all the time. i wonder if you meant all those things you said to me while we were driving in your truck. you held me at the movies and told me afterwards that it felt so right to you. i remember my heart was beating so fast i just wanted to kiss you like old times. your breath smelled like candy and i was so nervous to taste it. i like to remember the old days when things werent so complicated, back when i liked you more than you ever thought you could like me. back to the days of sneaking around so farrin wouldnt find out, because i knew if she found out that the guy she liked and had introduced me to liked me like i liked him, she would be hurt. then she found out and me and her didnt talk for awhile but i said to myself its ok because i have nick. i lost one of my best friends for you, she later came back but it was never the same. she always told me towards the end that when you hurt me to not tell her about it because she didnt want to hear about it. those last 2 months were shit. kelly was laughing at me the whole time and im sure you were too. bryanna came and went and so did kelly, but im still here. i dont understand it, i guess i never will. and now we hang out and you sing a different tune with me, you are so wonderful and caring. worrying about me and all. you told me you wanted to be with me. for the second time ever, you said it. my heart was beating so fast then too, but even as much as i wanted to be with you too i couldnt because of dan. my love. you told me you didnt want to wait and that i had to choose, but even though i didnt choose you, you still are around. those feelings i have for you will never go away, i dont even want them to. dan knows how i feel. he hates it, but there isnt one thing he can say to make me not care for you. and if i could, i would be with you in a heartbeat. i would love to give us another chance, a real chance. but the timing is all wrong and i guess if we are meant to be then the time will come. its already been over a year since the day we met. and i guess that i couldnt really ask for more. you are a great friend, but we both know...its something more.

//So far away

I haven't seen you in a while. You never call anymore just to say hi, like you would every tuesday/thursday. You have four kids back here, and they need you. We need you so much. Everyone should have a father figure and I chose you. It's not fair that I have to cry myself to sleep everynight knowing that you are here but you're not here. You're out there with your girlfriend, living in a tent in the middle of knowhere with no money, no nothing. You could have a great life. You came back from jail and you were trying. You were actually trying. But what happened? Was it the girlfriend? Did she make you do it? No. She didn't. You have always been an alcoholic and it will forever stay in you. There are things for this, to help people overcome this problem. But you don't want to try. I am starting to think you could careless about us. I could have a lot more right now, but because of you and because you don't pay your money, we suffer. How hard is it to get a job? I got one so I can have some of my own spending money. But you, just sit around and do nothing. Drink. Get drunk of your ass. For all I know, you could be in the hospital, across the country, god knows where. But just because you don't care anymore doesn't mean we dont. We miss you, more than anything. We need you here and we want you back in our lives. I always dreamed of moving out and into your house. I would dream up ideas how I wanted to decorate my room, how I wanted to do chores around the house, where I could go and what I could do, but I can't do any of it because you don't wanna try. I am not asking for much dad. I just wish I was still you're little girl.
  • Current Music
    The Leaving Song- AFI

am i sorry

dear boyfriend,
i cheated on you. in the last almost four years we have been together i have cheated on you. four times i believe. im sorry. i think. you only know about one of those times. i told you. it destroyed you. and yet i continue to destroy your life by holding on to you and my life as well. i want to say its over. we both know it is. but i cant let you go. you are there for emotional and physical support. i love you, but im not in love with you. yea two different concepts. so yea i cheated on you.

im a mean, cold, heartless bitch. we both knew this when we were getting involved. i knew about my past and how i cheated on everyone else before you. i think you knew my cheating history, oh but wait, did you shun me and not allow me to speak of it? yea maybe. but still. you had to have known. people talk, your choice to believe or not.


your soon to be ex

this angers me


You fuckin played me so many times, after telling me I was "the one". You told me you wanted to spend the rest of your fucking life with me by your side, even if we ever broke up. Yeah, I know we broke up a long time ago, but you keep dissing me to all your friends, who SHIT HEAD, I happen to be friends with. Maybe if you weren't so stupid, you'd actually figure that out. Oh wait, you're too egotistical and self centered to think about ANYTHING ELSE BESIDES HOW YOU LOOK AND WHO YOU WANT NEXT! I'm not still bitter about our break up, I just find it utterly STUPID that you keep apologizing to me. All you want is some fucking "ass". You are sooo skanky. I would never ever do anything else with you. It's useless so fuck you and I hope you die. You've caused too much fucking drama and chaos in my life. I had to go to the fuckin ER after dating you. Yeah, it was all fucking you, and you still haven't got a clue how much you meant to me. And when I finally got a new a boyfriend, that being "K", you have to come and apologize and trick me and FUCK EVERYTHING UP! What the fuck is your problem! Why can't you just get out of my life once and for all! I stopped thinking about you in December, but every now and again you apologize and I still have feelings for you deep deep DEEP down in my fucking heart, though I conceal it and try to kill them off. You cannot keep doing this to me, and I am not giving in this time, next time, or any other fucking time. Fuck you and good bye forever.

  • Current Music
    bloodhound gang - i hope you die

Remember when...


Fuck you, I hope you burn in hell. Do you really think Im going to marry you after all the shit youv done and said to me? HA NO! Your a selfish bastard! You dont "understand me" and you never will! Im sorry that your just now seeing what your missing out on. I would of done anything for you.All though I never loved you. Iv never been in love, And because of guys like you I dont think I ever will be. I hope your balls freeze up and fall off! asshole

p.s. I put ALL of my peircings back in AND got my lip peirced! And im getting tato0s. yeah So have fun with the thought of your "perfect girl" being periced up. oh yeah.. and btw.. IM NOT A VIRGIN! havent been for 2 years now! so HA! yes.. and I drink and smoke too! ha!? Love me now? Didnt think so. So have fun training someone else to be your wife. Cause sorry baby doll but theres no way in hell your gonna tame this grrl. ;) I live for me now.. not you. So suck on that!! haha

<3 Jeanie

  • Current Music
    MIdnight toker - steve miller band