February 27th, 2004

(no subject)

dear you,

i was looking through my scrap book last night and came across the section on my mother. now, most of you probably know that i hate her with everything i have. she abused me to the point where i was almost killed. it probably surprises you that i actually even have a section for her. i have about three pages worth of her. they are pictures of my wrists, neck, back, knees and my head. and a picture of her crying when i left. the background of the pages are white, with red splashes around. on two of the pages there are a quotes that say, "confusing the thoughts in my head," and "it hurts to know you." more nonsense about my momCollapse )
me

The same you

to you whom I always write to,

I don't say hello first because I never know when you'll actually be there. I don't want to look desperate or appear annoying. You were right. I do care about what others think of me, particularly you. See you have this scary power to make or ruin my day. I don't want to be used. You don't know that feeling. you had a relationship with a person for years in which you did 'fun' things. I'm not that girl and we don't have that relationship. We're kinda dating kinda friends kinda undefined. You have more control. You have the power to make me smile and it seems that hardly anyone does anymore. I don't let you know because I don't want to put myself in the position of another downward spiral. I'm sorry for all of that but I can't stand for you to give up on me. I can't take, that because of my stupidity you had to ask what you're doing. I know I'm not doing anything right but I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to make you happy. I'nm afraid of what you think of me therfore I won't risk there being a chance of you to say it.

But I think I'd absolutely hurt myself if i lost this chance again because of my stupidity. Maybe you have a right to be scared, I'm scared about how much I care for you
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