February 26th, 2004
I'm not sure where I went wrong. I'm not sure if I went wrong at all. I'm still so very un clear on why this is happening. But it is happening, and I am trying to deal with it as best I can. I miss you though. I loved you, and still do. You were my bestfriend, though everything. We would make everything happen and you'd always protect me. You were like the older brother but lovey in a way. I loved so many things about you. The way we could hang out and beat each other up just for fun. I remember one time we were watching a movie, and I started to fall asleep, and you just sat there with your arms around me, and told me to fall asleep, and you just watched me.
We got along better than, I think, most guy and girl friendships. What we had I could have with no one else. I looked forward to getting by hugs in the morning and in bewteen classes. There what made my whole day.
( But then came a dayCollapse )
I wanted to say alot of things to your face. No, I need to say them, but I saw you today, and couldnt bring myself to say them. Its not that you ran off, you didnt see me. I could have easily gone up to you and said them, but then I started thinking-'sorry' and 'never again' arent suitable phrases, when I thought about it. What the heck am I sorry about? Why should I be sorry? You were the one who saw me walking to class with another, and you just ignored us. You didnt even say hi. Whats with that? But I ignored it, maybe something I should not have done.
I walked over to you later, at break, and you just muttered 'hi'. Infact, I think, if I hadnt said it first, you wouldnt have said anything at all. You began to walk off, so I grabbed your hand. You turned around, eyes full of sadness. "Why didnt you talk to me earlier?" I asked, "And whats up with you, anyway?" "Maybe..." you paused, "I...I think I'm jealous. Do you think...I think...I'm falling for you." and you turned and walked off. I was stunned-why would you say that?
I thought it would have worn off by the next day, but no. You still didnt talk to me. And now, almost three weeks later, you still havent said a word. Not one word. You act like a jerk, though. Shane, Eoin, even Carl, said you snapped at them after I've hung out with them. Right now, I hate you sooooo much. Well, half of me, atleast. But the other half...the other half is so sad, angry and upset at how you've been acting. You just arent the same. You arent the guy I thought you were. And it wasnt like I was dating the others, or you. You know, I felt quite the same about you. But no. Not anymore. Why couldnt you have told me sooner? As one of our favourite songs says, 'my baby dont mess around because she loves me so and this I know for sure' but maybe I should take another piece of it, too 'nothing lives forever'
I always thought of you as a best friend. One better than almost any other. I never asked for your trust, but you gave it to me, without strings. So I took it. At the moment, I dont feel like your my friend. We used to be so close, too. Thats why I've got the word 'mate' instead of mate. Because I dont see you as one anymore. I hope you understand how I feel and respect my dessicion. If your not going to act like my friend, then I wont act like yours. Please dont annoy any of my real friends anymore. I'm through makinig allowances. You've hurt me too much.
I'd like to think this wasnt goodbye, but it probably is.
Love you forever, no matter what's been said or done,
today when i heard you yelling to me i knew something was wrong, i'm glad i came right downstairs. i would have never forgiven myself if i wasn't there to comfort you. when they took u to the hospital i was numb with fear. john acted like he'd cared and tried to comfort me until dad came to drive me to the hospital to be with you. i'm glad you're ok..i don't know what i would have done if anything had happened. you're my mother and my best friend, i love you so much. i'll always be here when you call on me. always.