It's an odd thing.
I love you. But if it's possible, I'd like to remember you as the one I was in
love with. So if you don't mind, I'd like to pretend you don't exist, to keep the good memories separate without tainting them with how you are now. I honestly wonder if it's possible to just be your friend, and usually my answer is no. One of us would always put a move on the other by the end of us hanging out, or all our friends would watch us to see how we interact. It's still too awkward.
What I really wished I could do is see you on my terms, tell you I'm going to kiss you, do it and let you end it when you wanted to. When you decide it's over, I get in my car, drive away, delete all your emails, your phone number from my cell, and block your IMs. I even ask Steph not to mention you around me or ask us to do anything together for at least a month. Of course the danger was that with the kiss I'd have to see you and seeing you sends me into tailspins. So I cut out the kiss and the drive away from the plan. I'm keeping the emails. They're part of the memories. Everything else just might happen. Two of them already have.
You're not dead. If you were I would still be crying all the time. However I'm okay with pretending you don't exist in this city.