I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope|
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Saturday, January 31st, 2004
I'm sorry for the way I've been acting. If I seem distant or weird when I talk to you, it's not intentional or because I'm mad at you or crazy or something... it's because I hate this situation. I know things had to change (it was inevitable) but I wasn't expecting this. I didn't predict that our conversations would be filled with more awkward pauses than sheer hilarity (like they used to be) or that you would forget to call. That's not supposed to happen to us. We were the ones that always understood each other...we took, but mostly gave...and we completed each other. Remember?
And what about our unspoken connection? I miss it. I fucking miss it. I miss being able to look in your eyes and know what you were thinking and you being able to see into mine. And now? Now all I look into is a pathetic IM box that gives me barely any details about your life. I don't anything about what you've been up to in the last month. And I'm pretty sure you know just as little about me.
Ever since I met you, I've been afraid you'd find someone better. Someone who makes you laugh harder, someone smarter, someone who gets you more. You always assured me that that wouldn't happen, that I had to trust...but it was so hard to believe because you always seemed so much more than I was...I didn't see how little old three-chord me could be what you needed. And now, your silence as of late makes me wonder just how far off I was in the first place. Did you find someone better?
I don't know, maybe I'm just being neurotic like always, (some things never change) but I just miss you. And I don't want to lose the best friendship I've ever had, because I'm pretty sure I won't find another one like it.
Well, I love you and I hope you don't think less of me.
| Dear Robotic insect infested memory,
My name is princess bomb. My skin is pillow case satin strung with perfect guitar cords. One for everytime we layed in bed together and wished upon the moon like silver. I'm perplexed by the guilt you stitched across my neck, in simple black letters it says,
May 12th, tick tock doom. I asked you to make me absolute. You cut me with your lightning rods and gave me somebody else's mouth. I remember you told me I was ugly. That my lips were picked apart and swollen with guilt. I cried, but I obeyed. I want to be perfect. And I can't stop looking at these beautiful starling ashes I have instead of scabs.
Kiss me. I'll make it worth the wait. I do magic tricks with my tongue, and voodoo with the eyes of green crystal you gave me instead of these burning hazel train tracks.
And now I'm sombody's pet lullaby, lulling you to sleep with my glossy medicine injected corpse.
"I have been kissed
between the ears
by human error..."
Do you remember when we used to be really good friends? when we could just hang out, and have no worries in the world? And then i had
to get attracted to you. Maybe it was how your eyes drew me close to you every time i looked at you, wanting to kiss your soft lips. Or was it the way you touched me, with your soft gentle hands, wrapping your arms around me like a soft velvet ribbon entwined around a rose. I can remember the first time you kissed me. That was a time when i wanted to be with you for ever. When i thought there would actually be something between us. But i was wrong. I always have been wrong about you. You played me like a boardgame, trading me off for bigger and better things. I hated you. But i didn't. I could never hate you. But i wanted to so
badly that i drowned myself in my own sorrow of not being able to have you. Someday. Someday i will move on, and not think of your icy eyes, or the way you touched me. I will move on.
<\3 Current Mood: cranky
|A weird letter, I know, but....it's how I feel...
Why are you like this? Things are going great, and then you find something to drag it down. ALWAYS. It doesn't matter how stupid or little it is, you ALWAYS find something to wreck your happiness. It's almost like you're destined for sadness, to live in a horrible pit of misery or something. Cheer up. It annoys me, because I can't do anything to help. I'm help captive by the misery too. I can't break out of it. Why do you always do this. Are you an emotional masochist or something? Do you secretly WANT to be depressed, so that you can go and say to people, "woe is me, I'm depressed?" Well, I'm sick of it. Sick of your constant moodiness and whining and moping. Tired of drudging around all day. For once, at least try to stay happy? I'm sure you'll find it a lot better.
Me Current Mood: annoyed