January 30th, 2004

(no subject)

So I am thinking that all I really want to do right now is cuddle with someone and forget ALL of this. That's so my birthday wish. And there are only two people I can do that with. I'm writing it now and in here because I think I'll ponder it a wittle more this weekend while I'm away. It's so simple but it's so...blissful? Perhaps. I wish there were more people to do that with.

(no subject)

I hate being infatuated with you. Hell, I can barely stand to be friends with you anymore.

I hate that you're talented and beautiful and intelligent. I hate that you give the best hugs and know just what to say and I hate that mischievious smile. I hate that you dried my tears with your shirt...and that you caused them. I hate that you forget about me (and all your other friends) every time you "fall in love" with another girl. And I hate that, on the rare occasion that you choose to grace me with some brief snippets of conversation, all you can do is question my choice of eye makeup or inform me that a quarter-inch of my bra is peeking out through a buttonhole, before swaggering away. I hate that you're not the same person you used to be. Because I miss that person. Not just as a crush...but as a friend I could trust.

I hate that when I think about you, my writing is reduced to a melodramatic list of "I hate's".

I hate the way you make me feel. And I hate that you just don't seem to notice or care.

I doubt you spent the time to read all this. I'm sure you had better things to do. But if you did, thanks...that's probably the most time you've given me lately.

to my dad:

i'm sorry i broke down in front of you. and i'm sorry that i have brought all this upon you. but you need to understand that the reason we are distant is my fault. it's entirely my fault, so don't blame yourself. i've severed our connection because i can't be close to you anymore and be happy. and maybe that's selfish of me, but i will accept full responsibility for my actions.

i know that i don't know anything about why you divorced. and i probably never will. but i know that you didn't do it to hurt us. and i know that you didn't do it to cause problems, or make life harder, or turn anyone suicidal. i KNOW that. you don't have to reiterate it. what i do know, is that i cannot rely on you anymore to give me what a family should. and for that reason, i have to turn to my friends. and you need to understand and accept that i would rather be with them than be here. you don't know what it's like growing up in a broken home, because you never did. you need to look through my eyes, and realize what i am going through, and understand that if i'm going to get through my life i need to feel secure. when i am secure, i'm with my friends. if you sever that tie, i don't know who i'll turn to.

you probably don't know that i have outlets for my problems. when i need to talk to someone, you should know that i would choose nick, or nicole, or janet any day over you and mom. because talking to you and mom doesn't do anything. you can't help me anymore. i'm growing up dad, you need to let go of me. i'm going to be an adult soon, and you've just got to trust me with the decisions i make. i know i've broken your trust once, and i know for a fact it was the stupidest mistake of my entire life. and i'm so pissed that i can't go back and just change that one little thing. i want you to be proud of me dad, i want you to be proud and be able to look at me and see everything that you put into me.

you told me you just want to set a good example, and be a good man. you are a good man, and you don't need to change anything. but you need to understand that sometimes you need to back off and give me my space. and when i pick others over you, it's not because i want to hurt you, it's because it is what i want.

everything that you are feeling right now is my fault. i'm selfish. and i'm trying to change but i don't know how. please, bear with me ... and just know this, that even though we don't have a connection now, that doesn't mean that the one we had before meant nothing. i'm grateful for all those times we spent together. and i'm grateful for what you've showed me, how to be a good person. and i can only pray that when i grow up, i'll be just like you. i can only hope that i'll have your strength to take what life throws you and keep on walking with your head up.

i'm sorry if i've hurt you.

i'im so sorry.