January 26th, 2004

to more than one of you,

yes, me again, aren't you happy?
but guess what?
i'm not here to sigh uselessly over how i miss you or rant about how much you piss me off..
instead i'm here to say that i don't give a fuck anymore.
i do. not. care.
you have led me past the point where i feel anything for you at all.
it's like i'm numb, but it's a welcome change from the rage or the sadness that overcame me before.

this is a short letter because i don't have much to say to you anymore.
the reason i never talk to you anymore is because i can never think of anything i want to talk to you about.
you might think that's kinda sad, but it's true.
i'd rather not talk to you at all than have to sit through another faked attempt of friendly conversation.

and i'm through with it and i don't care.
aren't you happy for me?
the quote no longer applies. "i try to forget you as you forgot me." because, while i haven't forgotten you, i no longer miss you. when i think about the vacations taken with you, or talking all day on the phone, or whatever else we did, i don't feel that pang of sadness i did before. i no longer care about how much you care, i no longer care for you.
x-rated ; gerard way

(no subject)

Dear _____,

[Unknown LJ tag]
I still can't believe how you tore this family apart with your pathetic actions and stupid remarks. Did you honestly think you could get away with it until the very end? But what you don't know is that everyone knows about it. But no one is saying anything. You're also a hyptocrite in so many ways. Making comments about our family, saying how her father's whipped when you're whipped also -- if not worse. So now we're making our final choice and moving away from you where you can't hurt anymore and where you can't run your lines. Where you can't act nice and loving for three weeks then a total dick for a month.

You've been threating to do this for awhile now -- but its not over until you walk out that door calling out ''see ya'' but you have yet to do that. Are you really going to, or are to chicken shit to leave us? Are you still claiming you love my mother but going off with the whore every other day claiming no one would love her as much as you do?

Thats bull shit and you know it.

Don't worry about us though. Especially me. Although it seems you never do, anyways. In my mind you're already gone. Through out the past sixteen years, even though we're not blood related I tried to make you proud but always felt like I was coming up too short. You never said ''way to go'' or ''good job'' when I got good grades, or never showed up for that play back in December I was in. But hearing my mom say that was the proudest shes ever been of me made all the dissapointment of the shit we've been through go away. Atleast for a few minutes. And it was the best I felt in a long time.

The only actual time I remember you helping me out was when I fell running off the school bus all those years back. I had to fucking limp downstairs to the apartment. You turned the t.v. on for me then went in the other room while my leg was still bleeding.

I can tell you one thing though. Nothing can ever fix the trauma and dissapointment thats been in me and your son for the past few years. You said you would stop, but hey.. there you go again out the door for another night, then come back acting as if nothing happened.

I don't think any words could possiably express how sad I am that all this happened. For a long time, I thought I was the cause of all this. You remember that one year when I went to Camp the first time in Maryland, and I never called because we were always doing something? When I came back that Friday, I found my mom crying in the car. It was soon after I found out the stupid ass thing you were doing. And it broke her heart. Along with mine.

And to think I almost took my own life because of you. Yes, I thought it was my fauly and yes I thought if I did something like suicide, that it would all stop. God, you have no idea how happy I am for not doing that. Because I realized that even if I did, it wouldn't have stop. My mom would have been more miserable then she is now, and she'd still be stuck with you. And to think she tried to do the same thing to herself too.

I guess your just one thing everyone to escape from.

I also don't think any words could possiably express how mad I am at you for doing this to us. Sure, I've never had a real father I could look up to. I mean, my real father said he never wanted kids; and look, five minutes later he has two of them. And I honestly thought you were different -- but I guess I was wrong, huh? Seems we always get the shitty end of the deal in alot of things. But thats supposed to make you stronger in the end. Right?

So now I'm waiting for the day when you either leave or we go to D.C. to settle this. In some odd way, it seems comforting to know that in the end we're going to win. You can leave with whats-her-name, but thats all you'll have, really.Now much there, now is it? The family knows whats going on and honest to God, they probably think less of you now. We'll get what money we need from you every month, Mikey will either come with us, go out on his own or go with you (God forbid) but you've really messed us all up big time.

Thanks a whole fucking lot.

Seriously. What did my mother ever to do to you? Besides be a good and faithful wife? And you have to go and not only fuck her over but the rest of us as well. I can tell you one positive thing thats come out of all this though -- me and my mother have gotten closer, and have a bond you could never fucking break if you tried. So go off with whats-her-name if you want, and go fuck yourself. :)

Also, I realized something else while typing this out:

You make me sick.

Whoo.. went a bit too personal there, but I had to vent.
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(no subject)

I just need to vent, severely, and fortunately I found this community in the nic of time.

I thought you finally understood- I thought that you finally understood how much I need to move in with Dad, to leave East Windsor and end up in Florida. It doesn't mean that I love you any less, despite how much I wish it did. You're still my mother. I wish I could say that it's ntohign personal, but it is. You can't see that I'm 17 and fucking old enough to make my decisions, regardless of you and daddy. Although I'm still underage and you both still have legal control over me, I'm going to do whatever the hell I want no matter what you say. I'm moving down to Florida with or without your permission, and you can go on thinking whatever you want, believe that I'm still a child, an afraid child that quivers as you raise your voice. But I'm not. I never have been. And as you try to control me more, the more I'm going to disregard you. I tried to be sensitive to how you must be feeling; having your only daughter leaving you because of your own stupidity. I even tried to be sympathetic and let you tug enough at my heartstrings to keep me in Jersey. In fact, had you acted more human, and perhaps tugged a little harder, I probably would have stayed. Fuck, I'm almost leaving for college. believe me, this is not how I wanted to leave, all the anger, all the tears. And my brothers... they're young. They're been so affected by you, there's so much that I wish i could have undone. But you're the controlling force in their lives because they don't know HOW to take control of their own. You're lucky I'm as concientious as I am, and as good and talented as I am. Meanwhile, you're stuck in your world, believing desperately that the boys will become responsible adults when they'res till children. They're still fucking 3 years old mother! physically, they're 13 and 15. but They act like they're 3. they don't know how to take responsibility. They don't know how to do schoolwork or housework. They don't know how to react to criticism or the harsh realities of the world, and frankly they're amotionally the same as Brian, or Kristin, or Ricky, poor things. I love 'em all. all 5 of them. In fact, I love everbody. but I can't be a mother or a sister to everybody and pick up your slack, where you lack as a human being and a person and a mother. You're incapable as a mother, and that's too damn bad. So I'm taking control behind the scenes. I like to let you thin kthat youre in control of me, but you're not. you never have been.
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