I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope|
[Most Recent Entries]
Tuesday, January 20th, 2004
| Dear you,
I'm eating raw tortilla. I imagine it's the small circled ones they give me in the Catholic Church. I pretend I'm eating Christ's body like they tell me. I also pretend that masturbation is not a sin to mormons, that I really don't want to kiss the boy with the jaw made out of silver, the heartbreaker...
That Candy Ann sees me as I really am. Not who I pretend to be when I am around her. I do not have cute clothes. I do not have a cute face. I do not wear cute glasses, or cute pins, or jackets.
I wear black lipstick.
Blue suede shoes.
Eyeliner. By the pound.
And Daddy's Army trenchcoat. Who made me take it off, and yelled, and tried to touch me when I said, "Don't."
I pick my lips untill they bleed.
Count the seconds until day meets night.
Pretend like the traffic jam inside my head isn't out to haunt me.
Last night I couldn't sleep because he who can not be named was standing at the foot of my bed with a sword. Which he would stab into my back.
I met my doctors, today. In other words I am messed up. Head nodding and, "Mhm, okay, I see," also mean, "Wow, you need medicine, girl. You have some serious uh. Issues, maybe."
He was nice, though.
He had nice hair. I like how I lied about being mentally, or sexually abused now or as a child.
I also liked how I lied about cutting and suicide.
Good job, Nadine. Everyone loves you.
I want to grow up and be as free as a bird. I wish she didn't take him away from me. I wish he'd come see me, tomorrow. I wonder if we're still talking.
Candy Ann has tried to explain I cannot be dependant on other people for happiness.
Candy Ann doesn't know that I am not really a girl. I am half a girl who has been brainwashed into thinking the world is out to get her.
"I know everything is gonna' be okay, if you just stay gone..."
I don't even care about the way air moves, or how his kisses make my stomach feel like it's exploding in bubbles, anymore.
After reading for so long everything just starts to sound the same.
I sound the same. Over. And over. And over.
Plus, I am not cute with a purse and a nice jacket and vintage pants.
Maybe I did not turn out like I should have.
Maybe I am a fallen Angel.
Maybe I'll never be worthy of being an Angel.
A boy doesn't <3 me.
He doesn't <3 me in the way I need to be <3ed.
And 1+0 will always equal
1. Alone. You. Who you are. Who you will be. Who you never wanted to become.
I don't know why you fascinate me.
But please go away.
Leave me, lust, and inhumanity.
That's who I am.
That's who I never wanted to become.
I go deeper than the train tracks.
Why do i have to make such an ass out of myself? I try not to, I really do. I don't want to fuck up anyones life or perspective of me. But I get stupid, and I say stupid things. I hate it.
And will I ever find out where in supossed to be who I'm supossed to be with? Not romantically, but will I ever fit in with people? I like so many things that I'm not, and I genuinely like them. But the trouble is, no one else seems to believe that. Just because I didn't know what I was talking about last year when I tried to start a band, doesn't mean that I don't know anything now. I'm a smart kid. Maybe I don't know as much about music and those lifestyles as someone whose spent their entire lives living them, but I do know a hell of a lot more than anyone's giving me credit for.
Its not that I want a label. I just want people that I can realate to, people that know what I'm talking about and love the same things I love. People who dress like I do and act like I do and enjoy doing the same things as I do. None of my girlfriends are anything like that, so theres not much to talk about. (I still love them though.)
Then again, is this how I'm supossed to live? Always wandering from person to person, desire to desire, and never really connecting with any of them? Never being considered a part of them? I really hope thats not the case, because its killing me.
xSxSx Current Mood: I'll never know.
Saturday was, in short, amazing. I thank you for all that you've given me, love, devotion, time. I know that in a few months, this could all very well end. but know that i'll love you forever. going away to different universities is a scary thought, but i can't tell why. afterall, we went to different high schools. all i know is that if i could relive the moments we shared. lying there wrapped en each others arms...i could die happy. if i could feel you breathing and feel your heartbeat, that's all i would ask for. to have our hearts and breaths in rhythm is a gift that i will cherish, always.
i'm so tired of being tired.
i wish i could sleep.
I really wish I hadn't heard my mom the other night talking about how she fears for my sisters safety around me. how i am such a screw up (yes she said this while I was in ear distance.. just the other room). I wish she wouldn't have said all those mean things about how I am so inconsiderate, and how I care about only myself. when THAT IS NOT TRUE.
yeah well, FUCK HER. Current Mood: annoyed