I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope|
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Thursday, January 15th, 2004
|Maybe this will help me make up my mind...
Thank you so much for this community -- it's exactly what I need right now. Anyone who sees this is welcome to click over to my normal journal to fill in the blanks, but there are some things I just need to say...
Today marks three years and five months that we've been together. And while part of me rejoices, the rest of me wonders if this is all I'll ever have, these pseudo-anniversaries. I want a real one, I want one where we celebrate the day we were married, the day we committed to each other before God and family and friends to only be with each other. The day that we said to all the world that this person is mine and always will be, the one that I love and the only one for me, ever. The day that I finally feel like I have a place in your life, and a role and a purpose there, as opposed to this vagueness I feel now. We're stagnant, don't you feel it? Why am I the only one dissatisfied? You sit there and ignore me when I say I'm unhappy, and when I ask you to look to the future, it's "that's not who I am, that's not what I do". But it is
am, and it is what I do. And I swear, whether you think so or not, there will be a point where I walk out the door. I know I said differently, but I take it back. I do, I take it back right now, I will not stay as long as you want me to, because I want to grow while I stay, I don't want to stagnate, and that's exactly what's happening here. Why don't you see that?
I'm so scared because it seems like history is repeating itself. We're growing apart, and you don't care, or you refuse to see it. And at some point it's going to end, if it goes on like this. But I'm older now, and the point is getting closer and closer. I'm not going to waste my time anymore, and this is coming perilously close to being a waste of time.
But I love you still, even as I want to shake you, kill you, change you, leave you, hate you. When it works, it works so well, damn you, and I don't want to lose that. But it gets easier when I realize more often than not it doesn't
work anymore. But you won't see.
You're so blind, and you're happy to be there. You're twenty-five years old, you have your career, and you can't do your own laundry. There is just too much in my life to deal with this kind of incompetence. I want it to work, truly I do, but it takes work and effort and that's something you stopped putting in a while ago. You're trying, and you manage for a little while, but then you do something stupid and we're back where we started. I can't keep going on this way, and you can't either. Something has to change, and if not, then this relationship is over.
And even as I write this, I know I'll be weak when I see you. I know that you'll hold me, and I'll melt and I'll cry and I'll beg you to love me enough to change. But that's beyond my control, and now I'm just trying to accept it. Current Mood: irate
|the time we decided to part
Im watching, anytime you smile at me. Im hearing, everytime you say "hey" to me. Im noticing, whenever you twirl your hair. im falling, everytime you are near me. sometimes i wish i could just wrap my arms around you. i wish that could tell you everything i feel. but just when i think i have the confidence to tell you. my insecurities block my words, and my ability to speak. all i want to say is that...im..head over heels in love with you...
yours always Current Mood: confused
I just met you. You are cute. You gave me your wallet to look through, and made sure I saw your adress, and when I played dumb, like I couldn't remember it, you gave it to me, so I know
you wanted me to have it. I went over today, but you weren't home... It was cold, but I still went, because I've been listening to MxPx, "Misplaced Memories" near nonstop, and thinking of "I'm a dick, I'm a-dick-ted to youuu!" a lot. Wow, you've been on my mind a lot, I can't stop thinking of how well we got along, and of how well we connected. I really hope you go to MBP tomorrow, if just to see me, especially just to see me...
I haven't told you anything about my past, you don't know anything about me. If you did, then you'd know how insane I am, how heartbroken I was just weeks ago from months earlier, how hard I'm trying to get over this pain, and maybe you'd understand why you're helping me. You're so sweet, so nice, such a good Christian boy, but really funny and really fun too. I'm glad I met you, and I hope I see you tomorrow. It's been less than a week, but you're always on my mind, and I just get this vibe that it's the same, that you miss me, too. So maybe we'll continue this?
I hope so.
even though all you did was smile, it was the most sincere thing i found all day.
carly Current Mood: happy