January 14th, 2004


Dear ___

Dear ____,
I've come to write to you, not from obligation but from dire need to say somethings. i want to pour out my soul and tell you everything but i can't. I had a dream about you the other night. i dreamed that i saw you in the airport and just walked by. and then you came back to me and grabed my hand and walked with me straight on to the plane. i guess i realized how much you meant how nice your hand fit mine how much we just matched up. but that is all i can say for now. I like you too much to ruin what might be a friendship. I like you that it's hard to live without you by my side. yet everyday i move on in time and move further away from you. i always have the time to listen to you or send some goofy message so that you can cheer up. But does it help. does anything i do put a smile on your face. Does the sight of my Sn send a wave of happiness over you, is there a smile on your face. I have this smile on my face right now simply because you said hi. Is that noraml or is it something else? I guess life doesn't have to make sense but it goes up and down as you come and go. do you not see that i want our friendship but i long for more.

goodnight and goodday

Dear_____, I said I was fine. you asked what's wrong? I can't answer you. Nothing's wrong that you will understand. Nothing's wrong. you said i scolded you once for not asking. I got upset when we were dating. You walked out. you turned away, and a second later i turned away. i try not to turn back, but it's hard. i see you in others, your eyes were on T.V last night, your sweatshirt was being worn by a south kid. it didn't make sense. shouldn't i hate you right now, shouldn't i keep going. Are you turning around only after i yell your name. are you turning out of pity. Sometimes i think what could have been. sometimes i think this is what should have happened. Sometimes i know i don't say what you want all the time, however, i'm honest. i tell you the truth sometimes, But i have to be honest with myself. i can't break myself again, or lose myself in someone else. When i fall i fall hard. i hate hitting the ground, you've made me before, but i picked myself up...I guess i did. good night and goodday

Dear _______,
Once again i'm writng to you not because i need to but because i am bored. I no longer feel this pull towards you. i don't need your voice or your smile. i don't need you mistaking my jokes as facts. i don't need it. aren't you proud, i am. I finally made it. Seems weird huh. we always play these roles. someone gets to be happy and someone has to be sad. well nothing's wrong with me, i'm happy. Does this mean that you're sad. you said the other night that you weren't. i guess this ever complicated relationship has changed. I'm happy whether you know it or not, i'm moving on... My battle with scoiety will not kill me. Your american dream will kill you. just like it killed Gatsby. yes i reffered to a book and i know you hate that but frankly i don't care. You're really not worth giving up my passion. someday i'll find you again after i write my first book or change someone's life. I'll find you unhappy with the girl of your dream, i'll find you with lisa. I'll find you with her and come back smiling because i know that my battle agaisnt society is worth it. someday you will know this too. but someday isn't today and you don't know that. goodnight and goodday Dear ____, I saw you again today. it was different this time, more like the past. It felt completely right. besides the fact that all the older couples at the movie surrounded us and filled the theater. Yet we went into our own world, at least i did, did you? Yes apparently the movie was funny however i didn't see. I heard your breathing slowly at first then more rapidly. i fgelt you heart beat in your chest and the pulse in your neck. Your hand slowly repetative soothing as it slowly moved on my arm. your finger still fit mine the same way that they used to. your lips just as soft and your eyes just as clear. has a lot actually changed? I guess it hasn't. I sat there staring at your face, staring and melting into you. your hands slowly twisted my hair as if we were always one, yourthumb tracing my face as if you knew ever crevice. We went as friends and it felt so right, it felt right to be by you to hold you to be held by you. it felt right to push you away only to pull back a second later. it felt right to not want to say goodnight to procratinate as long as possible. it felt right. but we are just friends? well at least that's what i'm assuming. how many other friends do you have like me. How many other people do you do that with. how rehearsed is your routine. Am i alone?we are still us sometime4s, still flirting, still argueing, still fighting to hold on. you said something odd that just sort of stuck in my head. you alluded to the fact that kissing was not to be done in public when we were standing at BAM but aren't the movies public. Aren't school busses public, aren't schools public, aren't football games public. You know what we never did kiss in school did we. We kissed on the bus though...I didn't figure you'd be a person with the PDA problem. goodnight and goodday

dear_____, you never know when you dissapoint me do you? you never know when you make my throat tighten and my heart just seems to drop. You are oblivious aren't you. See i miss you still. I was okay when i knew we didn't work because you loved lisa. I was okay when i knew that she was your love and youw ere waiting for her to come back but this new girl. She's brian's ex. that doesn't make me feel better. it's almost as if you like any of his former girlfriends because they were his once. it just makes me feel like nothing. have you ever had that feeling? i know you have when lisa dumped you and you were nothing to her not even a friends, that's sort of what i feel but it gets worse. I feel used. just like with chris. i put myself out there trying to be who i really am and not gaurded and you just don't know how that hurts. i liked the movies because i felt like something and like you generally wanted to be there not as if you were using me to just achieve something physical. scary what i almost told you. Scary how my heart holds on to what it once had and what it doesn't have anymore. i raced home just so that i could say hi but was it worth it. i do this all the time. i have resorted to my old hints that don't get through but i see. so i guess for now good night and good day

Dear______, once again i am writing to you but i know not what to say. I spent new years eve with you at your house all alone. I had fun though, don't sure how to explain it but it was fun. did you get everything you were expecting to happen? I liked the feeling of laying with you on the couch watching some random tv show. i liked holding you and being held by you. I liked when we were in our own world wrapped in each other. i liked knowing that you were ahppy. things are just so different and to think last night wasn't going to happen at all. however i am sore and i deeply apologize for hurting you that one time. You called me sweetie when you needed the remote that onetime, did you mean to or was it just habbit? either way i don't really care at this point. don't care ti think about it in terms of that. rather would just say that i'm happy and you seemed happy.
goodnight and goodday

Dear _____,
you just had to go there didn't you. you had to have a picture of lisa after everything. After last night you had to ask ME for a picture of her. Why? why did you have to involve me. i guess iw asn't as dettached as i thought i was but then again why should it matter. Sometimes you say things that put me in the worst mood possible. you started to defend why you need the picture, don't you get that that only hurts more. can you not tell. I don't know hwy you need the pictures and i'm not sure i even want to know. You said it wasn't because you were pinning over her but what else could it be. do i want to know, yes, will i ask no. I won't ask because in a way i know it won't help to ask you i know i shouldn't care. God. then you go and call me sweetie. what am i to feel. Can you tell that i'm upset or is it not obvious. Why am i apologizing for not having any pictures of her you were the one who dated her for two years shouldn't you have the pictures. or am i just supposed to have everything and an answer for everything. sometimes i just feel so used at times by people and i thought you were different apparently you aren't always that different. so goodday and goodnight

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