January 12th, 2004


(no subject)

I realized last night that this isn't going to last very long. We're so different, maybe too different. It just seems so strange. Part of me wants to just end this all now before I get too caught up in everything, just to realize later that it's not going to work out. I don't want to get hurt in this, I'm just scared. We come from two completely different backgrounds, our families are different, hell.. our whole lives are different. Your ex-girlfriend might be pregnant, do you know how strange that feels to me? What's going to happen if she really is? In nine months, you could very easily be a father, and you're only sixteen years old. I know you're going through so much right now, and I would be there for you, no matter what. You're one of my very best friends, and your always around to talk if I need to. You've always made me feel special, like I'm worth something. I can't help wondering if maybe that's the only reason I'm going out with you. Because we're so close, and because I'm so comfortable with you. Maybe we would just be better off as friends. Then again, maybe I'm just scared of relationships. They always make me feel like I have some sort of obligation to fulfill and everything that happens is just because we have a boyfriend-girlfriend title, and not for any other reason. It's just this weird new step with you, and I'm not so sure that I'm ready for it. Maybe I'll never be, maybe I'm destined to be a nun and never get married. I just don't want to get hurt later, when it could really tear me apart. Why do these childish fears and anxieties prevent me from being happy with you?
  • Current Mood
    stressed stressed

Dear _____

So many words are left unsaid it seems and yet i don't have the strength to utter them not even under my breathe. I talked to this girl today and she said we were all over each other las weekend but we weren't Were we? I didn't think so. I mean that's just how we are as friends, is something wrong with it. Anyway back to the topic at hand. I have so many things left unsaid about you about her and about what once was us. I can't say that i understand or agree with your relationship with her and i can't say that you'll care. I don't know what this is anymore not sure if i cae, really just felt the need to say hi to you today, Felt the need to care about you again. i told you that i forgot a lot about last year and that was for my protection. As much as we get along now you still don't fully comprehend what you did to me. But ...Good night and hope your day is better then today.

  • Current Mood
    blah blah

(no subject)

youuu!!! i love you so much. did you know that? and you're right. it's pathetic...like what you said:

"this is what i will remember...my graduation, and sitting in front of a computer screen...this is the only way i get to look into your life, through a window."

i'm sorry. life works like that, we got the short end of the stick but we'll get through this. i'll wait until april when we'll see eachother again. i'm holding on to you, don't worry. i promise i won't leave.

i love it when you call me darling.

and now moving on to you you stupid fuckhead...

first off, i don't know what you're trying to achieve by pulling the "i'm your friend" act. it's not working, even though i might tell you stuff...you're not special, contrary to popular belief. seriously, get over yourself. i mean you and this girl what the hell is up? you're like off and on and off and on...and i guess i'm just hoping she'll find someone else...and you'll have to fall back on me...and even though it won't be right, i'll still want you back.

cuz i just have this gut feeling that i could be happy if i had you. and this probably isn't true, but i learn things the hard way. so i'd probably end up hurting you in the long run. and maybe that's what i wanna do because you hurt me.

i am perfectly aware that this is totally wrong and the fact that i'm still holding on to one shred of hope is so stupid. the things you have done, you don't deserve my attention, my desire or my respect. something about you though...you make it so damn hard to hate you.

sometimes when i'm in deep thought, i get jolted awake because i can smell your cologne on me. it drives me insane...because then i remember what happened that night and how much of a fool i was for you. you could have told me to slit myself and i would have done it.

this entry was stupid. i went from scorning you, to wanting you back again. it's like a neverending cycle that i can't get out of.

i'm going to go listen to some emo music and read architectural digest. leave me alone, and stop pretending that nothing happened, because something happened. and it's changed me.