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I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope
 
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Sunday, January 11th, 2004

Time Event
7:33p
I wish you would just understand, its not about the future. Its about here and now. Not forever. I'm not that naieve. I understand, and I'm tired of you breaking me down over this. Of all the people that could have made my life this hell, why did it have to be you? The person I trust and confide it. And yet, I still haven't told you what really broke me down. What made me scar my own skin. Yes, it was you. When I realized I would never be enough to make you happy. I would never be a good enough friend for you to confide in me. When I realized it would really be like you were my big sister...sure I'd talk to you about my problems but you pretty much just ignore me. I'm sick and tired of it. I'm scared and I'm lonely, and it seems like you don't even care. What am I supposed to do? I can't walk away from you. But I can't stay either. I'm lost. I'm hurt. I'm desperately wishing I could just be gone. From everything, from everyone. No one would notice. No one seems to notice I'm here. Everyone leaves. Nothing lasts forever. Forever doesn't even exist. Break my dreams. Scar my memories. You say you love me, but its become so routine. Sometimes I think you only say it...so that I don't fall apart. But I'm already broken. I'm already lying on the ground. My soul's already dead. So just tear my heart out, it's ready to go. I never want to love anyone again. Not you, not him. No one. Because everyone leaves...and I'm never enough.

Current Mood: contemplative
x
7:37p
Dear ________,
I know it's been over a year since we've parted, but I still just can't get over you. I feel pathetic for not moving on, but everytime I see you, my heart drops and I feel completely numb. Your eyes are so amazing when they used to stare at me, and I miss that staring more than ever right now. But most of all, I miss your amazing kiss. The soft kisses that used to make me feel like if you weren't holding me tightly, I'd fall over, and other times made me feel like I'd float up into the air. I want to feel your heartbeat against my chest like it used to be. I want you to love me again. I still think that we have a chance to make this work. I hope someday you'll realize how much I love and care about you, and that know one will ever feel for you this way that I do for you. No one in this world will ever love you like I do. You were more than just my boyfriend. You were my best friend. I could tell you anything and everything. I miss that so much. I miss YOU so much. I hope that if you're reading by any chance, you'll somehow know it's me. If not, here's a few hints : "I miss you, I miss you so." ( 8 - 15 - 02 )

"Love always and forever"
2 ||x
8:26p
dear danny,

i never liked you when i first saw you. but being naiive and young, i fell for your act. you were taking me over christina. wow. every girl dreams for this. ...but then i was a figment of your imagination.
you caught my heart though. i went to all my mothers races just to see you. then i even gave up karate. i ran every week..and all that motivated me was you.
then you heard..you heard about thsi younger girl who wasnt exactly 'hot' loved you. but you absorbed it. it gave you strength to know you were anamored. then we talked. its always a big time in a little girls life when she finally talks to her crush. you wanted friendship. i wanted love. we'd decided to see how it played.
everyone soon knew. you didnt mind at first. you were lonely. you needed me. i was lonely. i loved you. then she came along.
she was exactly like ME...except an older, more sophisticated version...and she was lonely too. you let it slip to me, and you slowly broke my heart. i had to forget you. you had to forget me.
slowly..i started to evolve from some young dorky girl with long hair, braces, and glasses to a mature woman with contacts, short cut, staright teeth, and two feet to stand on. and you were slowly trying to pry yourself away from commitment. then you wanted me again. i was the backup. the secondhand rose. the leftover.
i knew you were all wrong for me..but how could i leave you now? we'd be together, laughing, talking forever..thsi is what i dreamed of!!!
then people began talking. 'shes too young.. jackie was hotter...shes too smart for you...christina was cuter'..and you sucked into it...you couldnt loose your reputation could you?
it was a secret friendship from now on. but then i called it off. no..i am too good for your games.
but you needed me to cry on. to tell your secrets to. to open up. but those words remained in your memory.
then you told me 'we cant be together anymore...your too young...your beautiful...but not as pretty as the rest'
you had let go...now it was my turn.

day by day..i'm getting by. i'm seeing all my newer prospects..trying to get used to the guys who cherish me...we dont talk anymore. you never knew me...i never knew you. we never hid a secret love. or share secrets that no one will ever hear. we never looked at each other with wide eyes..smiling at our happiness.

i hope one day you'll mention me in a conversation to your children. when they ask who nathalie was, you'll say 'a girl that taught me everything and truely loved me'.

good bye <3
x
11:05p
you make it so damn hard to hate you.

it's always the fallen ones i think are always gonna save me.

Current Mood: stress level = infrared
x

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