November 30th, 2003

Don't bother, Angel, I know exactly what goes on

Ok, I really want a b slash f. However, I don't wanna go through the get-to-know-you process. The get close process. You know? I wanna pick up where Patrick and I left off, minus the fighting. That boy Daniel was super cute. Juli said that because he came over and talked to me and looked at me some he was interest. I don't think so though. And Brian gave me his digits and said we should see a movie. Now, I'm not being conceited, I don't even think either of these guys like me really. But it would be nice. I just, I don't wanna go through the beginning of a relationship. Since my relationship with Pat, I know what I want though. I know what not to do. Like, I don't wanna see the guy everyday like I did Pat. I just want a chill relationship. I want someone to kiss and cuddle with. To be comfortable with. To tell my secrets. To sit in a room together and not feel the need to talk. Not have awkward silences. One underestimates these things. They have to be built and I'm not really up for that. I don't wanna have the clingy-ness of a relationship but I want someone to be there. I don't like admitting it but I am really lonely. It sucks. I want it to change. But I don't wanna make the same mistakes I did with Pat. And I'm not going to. I'll be driving soon, and my first priority other than school and work will be my friends. Gosh, I want someone who knows how things are in my life, not someone who I have to tell them to. I want no awkwardness. Among these things I want something else I won't mention but can't have. Psha. I just, I want someone there who I can have a deeper relationship with. But not have the see the person all the time, because I'll be playing FOUR sports, I don't have time. I need someone who understands things. I want a boyfriend again.

A letter to some1

Hi name is Kate...joined the community becuz i need to get stuff off my chest w/ alot of things and this seemed fair enuf to do it in this community

We have just got back together but i want to tell you how i feel towards you. It seems like things arent the same.....And what happen w/ u n hurt me sooo much and it still does...i know it meant nothing to you n her and it was just a peck on the lips but still i think it was more becuz it makes me feel worthless like i wasnt good enuf that you said we needed a break soooo you can go and kiss my best friend, my worst enemy and her cousin that was 12....instead of being w/ me you were kissing a 12 year old...boy dont i feel low right now...and some of the stuff you said to the guys that you cant get it when you want thats not true! i stoped u many times...are u trying to make me seem like a slut...yea i kinda regreted the things i did only cuz i thought u werent going to hurt/leave me if i still did it..but ur back and im happy for that...but i dont know if i could trust you...could i? or are you just making more lies to me? just to let u know i know i wasnt ready to go that far w/u i barely have confidence to do it now...but i still will only cuz i love you....yes all those times you hurt me....all those ppl that told not to go back to back with still in love w/ u....and any1 can come up up to me and say it isnt...they are wrong its full out love....rememeber that day all the guys started to hate you and you slammed the door and left my house....i went after you....if it was any other person...even chris...the person that i thought was my first love...i wouldnt of gone after n wouldnt leave you alone til you would talk to me .....i would of just left any1 else alone til they calmed down...i was scared...that my friends would push you away......they will never be me...they are totally different ppl...they might hate you or like you...but you need to know something....i would never hate you...i will always love you...doesnt matter how much you hurt me lie to me cheat on me...i would still love you...remember chris...the one that passed away b4 i met you...well i thought i supposedly loved him...well after all we have been thru...i know for a fact i wasnt....i never needed him as much i need you sometimes....all of the stuff he said that was heart touching never reached out to me as much of the things you say....i never felt the way i feel when you lay with me or hold me when i was with him....yea im sad that he is gone...he was like one of my best friends...but if you were dead...i would be joining you...i wouldnt be able to move on....i wouldnt be able to be close to any1 again i wouldnt have the strength.....thats one thing that im grateful that you gave me...strength....i could actually reach out to you...i could be myself...i could actually cry in front of day when my grandmom wanted to die....i cryed a more than a couple are the only guy...inculding my guy friends, my brother, my other boyfriends, that have seen me might not mean much but it means sooo much you cant even understand.....and the one day that i saw u kiss danielle...i didnt know what to i ran...i wanted to run away from eveything and when i saw you come after me i knew i cant from everything that scares me...if i did then i wouldnt have any of my family but most important to me i wouldnt have are the most important thing in my mean more to me then you would ever many times i wanted to kill many times i wanted to die thinking no1 would care....i knew you were there and i never wanted to hurt you at all...yea i know that sometimes i put thoughts in my head saying that you didnt give a damn bout me but deep inside i know you care...and you are sorru for whatever you did to me and katie actually told genie something but it goes for me too if i love as much as i say i do (which i do ) then i would not stop loveing you just becuz you screwed up....well i guess thats all i have to say...
  • Current Music
    Luna: Smashing Pumpkins