November 23rd, 2003


(no subject)

I wonder where you came from. You were around so long, you knew the people I knew, we were around each other and yet I never knew you. And now, ur my best friend. Ur my confidant and I love you from the bottom of my heart. I wonder if I will ever get to tell you that. I stay up late to talk to you, to have what are my most treasured conversations, where you know exactly what to say to make me feel so much better, and when exactly to distract me and cheer me up. I dont know where you came from but you mean the world to me. If I ever lost you, even though we are simply friends, I dont know what I would do, or where I would be. When I have a problem I just want to run to you and share it all with you so you can do the right thing like you always do. And to know that you cherish me too is so amazing, that you trust me to be there for you the same way as I trust you to be there for me. I get scared sometimes that whatever we have, or will have, will fade, and I will be looking back ten years from now wondering whatever happened to you, the person that helped me to forgive michael for everything he had done to me, and the person that helped me to be real with myself. I dont want that. I dont want to have to search back ten years, I want to be able to pick up the phone and ring you, or turn my head, and have you be there. I never want to have to say goodbye to you.

I dont know what our future has planned for us, but I want it to be great things. You are an amazing person Matt and to be able to call you my friend in the very least is such a privelege. You set such an awesome example of what a decent human being is and to be even considered by you as a friend is such an honour. I never want to lose you. Please never ever leave.

(no subject)

i've written this letter so many times that i don't remember why i began, or who i intended on reading it.
i do know that it's too dangerous to lack it's vague approach. god only knows what could happen if it fell into the wrong hands.

for you,

i could fall in love with you, very easily. but everytime i write this letter, i realize how many things about me that could disappoint you. don't jump the gun on this one, though, because i know some of it has just been "extrapolated" in my head and i know you're a real person and you have flaws but you're too beautiful. anyone could fall in love with you, because you're easily the most all-around attractive guy i've ever met. i can only imagine how many girls will fall insanely hard for you, but you don't listen. honestly. & you asked me one good thing that my friends have done & i couldn't think of anything spectacular because they aren't amazing. they have huge ass faults. huge ass. and i can deal with that because i know about them and because i can shamelessly admit mine to them. that lets us grow. but not you, because i don't think you'll change for a long time. it's so hard to think anyone in your sleepy town has been through hell, and i know (though it may be second-hand) that you haven't.

basically, i'm saying don't worry because i can't actually fall for you. i can't actually talk to you. this is good for you, because you aren't into me and our relationship will never be the awkward post-love one. good for them because i'll never be forced to choose you over them, and i think i would. however, it's bad because there will always be a strain on what could be a story book friendship, but i guess those aren't real and you aren't such a dreamer. not for love, anyway. i like to think that this letter wouldn't disappoint you and make things infinitely weird, but then again i also like to think we could ever be perfect. so i'll just revise this a million times and give it to you when i think i'll never see you again. when i'm prepared to never see you again. i love you, and you are fucking amazing.

you have my love.

i don't waste my time on people who aren't spectacular, so if your eyes don't send huge comet trails through my fucking sky, don't expect me to pretend like they do. cause quite frankly, i'm pretty into being frank, and if you aren't doing it for me i don't want to be around you. so this is the way i see it, if you have some trait that attracts people to you like wallflower girls to the corners during prom, you know it and i'll know it and i'll love you as immortalized and timeless, and i'll love you hard, because that's the way i fall. i'll make it a point to know everything about each strand of curling hair and every single taste bud in your mouth, but you will never know me, and that's the catch.

and if you're just another boy, i'll tell you all of my secrets. and i'll be there for you, and i'll be loyal with every ounce that hasn't already been given to the saints. but baby, you're going to have to accept that, cause idolatry is a part of who i am. & i'll never betray you, but i won't pretend that i could ever promise to be so devout.

(no subject)

dear you,
here we are again, you turning your back away from me for somebody new. i guess the worst part about it this time is that it's not somebody new. it's someone who already broke your heart once. i don't quite understand it, why she can have a second chance, like all the others have, except me. and yet, i'm still the one you come running to with your broken heart and tears flowing freely from those enchanting eyes of yours, glazed over with sadness, and expect me to put you back together each and every time. you've seen my dedication, my loyalty, my ability to be strong for you, and most of all, you've seen my undying love for you despite anything and everything you've put me through, and yet you still discard me until you need me. you're running around these streets, searching every dark corner over and over for the one thing you need so badly.. someone to love who loves you in return.. and someone who's been right there all along.. me. i'm standing here, right in front of you, and i'm yours for the taking. i'd offer you my heart right here and right now but the problem is you already have it and you've always had it. so there it is, my heart, barely alive from the torture you've put it through, but still beating for you. i'm running out of things to give you, to prove myself to you, and all i can give you right now are tears. you've hurt me again. and you'll come running back to me again. used, and then put back on a shelf till the next time. but maybe.. just maybe next time you come back, torn and tattered because of love.. i won't be there.

yea, this doesn't really make sense.. i juss started typing. this is my first post ever on here. so, hi.

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