November 9th, 2003

(no subject)

My deepest fear - Matt doesn't love me. Part of me knows that he does, knows how much he cares, and only has to look back two entries on our comments to get a warm tingly feeling inside. This part of me knows, deep in my heart, that he loves me, and chastises the other part of me for worrying. The other part of me never stops worrying. I'm a worrier at heart. I try to hide it, but so many things, so many stupid insignificant things get me thinking, and once I start worrying, it's impossible to stop until my fear has been proven to be false. And my fear of Matt not loving me has been proven false so many times, but just... Our situation is so fucked up, and I have so little confidance in myself when it comes to dating stuff. ...Only recently have I been seen as pretty, and now, the guys I find cute suddenly have an interest in me, so it's all awkward 'cuz I don't know how to deal with that, especially when guys I don't like like me. And then, I find the person, the one person, who makes everything in life good. Who brightens my days, who means everything to me, and I'm so inexperienced and awkward and confused that I don't know what to do. When I'm with him, then everything is fine, and we're perfect, but when I'm left alone to think about it....
Why would he like me? I never feel as if I'm good enough for him, except when I'm with him, in his arms, looking into his eyes, and having him tell me he loves me. He does so much for me. He deals with this situation, this fucked up family stuff, he only sees me once a week (and doesn't see me at all this week..), we never get time alone, I'm waiting until marriage so he's stuck having his right hand be his new best friend for the next three years, until I'm out of this house... All of this because he loves me. And what can I do for him? I can't see him, hardly at all. I can't technically call him. I unleash my family on him. All I can give him is my love, and I give him all of it, but I wish there was more I could do.

But there isn't.
There never is.

God, I love him.

<3 Susan and Matt <3
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