this is weird (littleenglolita) wrote in _letterstoyou_,
this is weird

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Dear Mum.
Fuck you. Fuck "you're tired" or "you're hungry". Fuck "you're just stressed". This hurts like hell and you don't fucking give a shit so long as you can smile and feel like the mostperfectmumever. Usually you are. But. me being really fucking unhappy (it's getting worse, everything's getting worse and I don't know how I can keep going sometimes) is not something you can just explain to stop yourself from feeling guilty.
I'm sorry, but I am not fine and you are not helping.
It's because of you, partly, okay, that I am stuck in this. I asked for help and. got told I was essentially a stupid little teenager who was making it all up and/or just needed to grow up. No one fucking helped me when I asked them to and you expect that I just got better?
I quit counselling because you suggested it. I never called Dr White again because you told me he was an idiot, and maybe I agreed a little but a) I never want to disappoint you and b) he was my best chance of getting out of this.
It's all getting worse. I'm sure you'd have some perfectly rational reaon all lined up that I would just hate to hear but right now. Everything sucks.
The moods are getting worse. and worse. and worse.

Dear SHW.
I don't know. One more year. Only one more year and then you'll just be one more regret that I'll never have to face again.
Love you.

Oh Dear.
My head constantly hurts. I can't stop my moods from making everything suck. And there seems to be no way out. There's going to be more and more stress this year, making the moods worse. I can't stop them by not sleeping. I can't stop them by not eating. I can't stop them by hurting myself. I learnt all that, yes, good, but no one ever replaced the bad coping techniques with good ones.
I can't talk to people about it because then I'm just "being stupid/immature" or I'm "making it all up". I can't stop these things from happening. I can't draw it all away because c. I can't. stop this. And it sucks.
Everything hurts when I breath or try to think. So I'm stopping.


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