I know you're going through a hard time right now, mostly because I can tell from your body language, but partially because you're always bitching. But I know, and I accept it, and I try to look past it, and I try to help you, but, fuck, man, why'd you have to go and screw me up, too?
You know I want him, that I have wanted him for a very long time. I told you I did. And yet you feel the need to go straight up to him, right in front of my face, after you said you would help me to hook up with him, and start blatantly flirting? You have an effect on guys, man, something that I can't and will never be able to replicate. Suddenly, he's into you. He never used to ignore me in the halls, but now, when he sees us, it's you he waves at, smiles at. All of our friends know, you realize. They all side with me; one of our friends thinks I should kick your ass, to be honest. It's lucky for you that we're not middleschoolers, or I would.
I suppose I shouldn't have dithered so much-I should have gone right in there and went for him. So, like the good friend I am, I'll roll over, and let you have him, because you're going through a hard time, and I'm just trying to help you.
(p.s: Tomorrow, I'm going to passive-aggressively draw a cock on your neck while you sleep on my shoulder during 3rd. Enjoy.)