Alyse Willows (reflect_tcelfer) wrote in _letterstoyou_,
Alyse Willows
reflect_tcelfer
_letterstoyou_

mental vomit

Dearest,

This is scaring me, I thought we had worked through that little hiccup in our relationship and that everything was on track. Yet I still feel like you might be avoiding me. Are you really that busy? Or are you still ignoring some of my calls? I know the answer, but I haven't been able to see you since that talk and it makes me wonder if maybe you really do have the wool pulled over my eyes. I'm always so confident and now I'm finding that I need just this little bit of reasurance to get me back on my feet. I wish you would unbusy yourself for an hour, just so I can see you. I miss you so much. I want to tell you that I love you again. I think that's what's bothering me the most. You are the one who started saying I love you, before we even started dating technically. You are the one who had so much confidence in our relationship. Who dared to say that he would tattoo my name as proof. Who said he wanted to marry me. In one weekend you took all of that back. I'm fine with that. I just wish I could tell you one more time that I love you. Just once. I understand that we are moving slow, since we moved into everything too quickly. You weren't afraid of getting hurt and you didn't mind that maybe things might not go to plan and we might not marry and have kids. (we even picked names... He likes Haley and I like Gabiel. =( ) Then you thought about me, and how you have a tendency to break girls hearts, and you realized you didn't want that for me, you cared too much for me to get hurt like that. It doesn't matter that I took that same risk. That we are all too similar. I break hearts too and I don't want to do that to you. I suppose that it doesn't matter that I risked a lot in dating you. I almost lost my BEST friend. I looked like a complete bitch to my ex, who, might I add, I had just broken up with days before I started dating you. I ruined friendships, all because of you. I knew you were special. I knew you would be something great in my life. And yes, although I wasn't the first to say it (I would have never told you until we had been dating for years) I did think that I could marry you. Now we are moving slowly and I feel so self conscience. I don't know whether to call you or not, to leave a message or not. I'm tempted to ride to your house just to see you. I miss you so much, we haven't seen each other in almost a week and the fact that we had this slowing down conversation makes me hurt more. I don't NEED you to be happy. But goodness, you sure help. I've never smiled or laughed so much as when I'm with you. You just have this attitude about life that makes me feel alive. The way you touch me doesn't make me feel like a whore, you make me feel wonderful and beautiful. For once in my life a man has said that we were making love, not just fucking. Do you know what that means to me? I can live off of replaying that memory in my mind. I was so shocked when you told me too, that this kind of sex was making love. I remember everything we do crystal clear. I'm addicted to this feeling. I feel like I can be with you forever. Why do you have to complicate things by trying to protect me? What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. You tell me that all of the time. Why can't our relationship apply to that? I want to have you for as long as I can, and if I get my heartbroken, I'll survive and I'll eventually move on. I don't need protecting, I don't need to have us end now before we become too attached because I already am too attached, and you know it. I don't care if when you go into the SEALS you'll not see me for ages because if we are still dating at that point, three years from not, I'd wait for you. If I'm dating you in three years, I want to marry you. I'd wait for as long as it would take. Please let us go back to how we were a week ago. I miss you. I don't want to take it slow because the way we talked we're only short of moving in together. You can't go to the begining after that, I can't make those feelings disappear so quickly. It's hard to slowly move back up to that when I want to just right back in like nothing happened. It's 2:15 in the morning. Eight hours ago you said you'd call me back. Don't break a promise. I know you're busy but I'm your baby, your beautiful. I'm your hummingbird. Make time for me.

I love you.

Forever and ever, babe.

Always,
Ally
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