broken_0ne (broken_0ne) wrote in _letterstoyou_,

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dear brian,
this is going to be my last letter to you.
i'm not going to bother anymore after this.
i just wanted you to know that now, so you don't have to worry about when you're going to see me and how you're going to act around me and be a jackass like you always are.
i told you how i felt about you, i know i can't take that back. oh, how i'd like to... *sigh* but it's on the past so screw it. but if i knew that it would change everything between us i never would have done it. it's too late to take it back. i wish i could have, honest i do.
you used to be so good to me. i remember thinking about our unofficial "date" and sharing our food in the dead of winter in the dark in the most commercial place we could ever think of. (anti-capitalists that we are, right?) and i remember the first biomed ever when we first met and you fell for me. i remember the days you used to sit with us at lunch regardless of how much they talked about us. i miss those memories. they used to bring me a smile. now all they bring are tears.
i could put this all on you and say that you changed, you were the one freaking out and messing us up. but i won't do that. i will accept responsibility for my actions. i'm sorry i fucked it all up.
i'm sorry for who i am, okay? i'm sorry for everything i ever made you feel. i'm sorry for being the first girl you ever fell for, and i'm sorry you were the first boy to really break her heart.
but now who's the one crying into her pillow every night cos she hates her world? who's the one who has to keep it all in and not tell you or anyone how i really feel cos then i'm a "whining bitch"? i'm the one who made you feel like you were wanted and someone really cared about you. where were you for me?? i told you what happened to me, and how i dealt and cut and cried like hell. i told you about my father and my best friend and how much life sucked. do you know what you did? you helped me vent. you didn't give advice. you didn't come over and hug me and brush the tears off my face. i put it on you, i put my problems on your shoulder for three minutes, just to show you what it's like to be me. i wanted you to know why i needed you so badly. i wanted you to see what i am going through. but you took one look and ran away. am i that horrible?
you can't even stand the thought of me anymore.
yesterday when i was hanging out with my new friends you sat with us and laughed. i sat there and shut up about how it was tearing me apart inside all over again. debbie saw it. you were oblivious to it all. i suppose you think i'm whining again, don't you? you're a guy, you don't care about this stuff. you don't care about me anymore. fine. then i'll whine all i want.
i am getting over you. it's just that the attachments are hard to break. the minute i think i'm okay with me and you and who we've become, all of a sudden you turn the corner, and my safe little place has been destroyed. i get that sinking feeling and feel like i'm suffocating. yes, i've found a new guy. i'm trying to figure out things between us, but you won't leave me alone. let me live how i want to live, and get the fuck away. why are you still torturing me like this? me and him are almost as close as we once were. you can't stop it from happening. i won't let you.
every time i think i'm safe, and we're really over, and i'm ready to start something new something else pulls me back and tells me i should like you and it's all going to be okay. how can i trust myself when i know where it is all going to lead? i want to just let it die between us. i don't want to have awkward conversations with you. i think it would be better if we didn't talk at all. i guess it's a good thing you'll be in the mountains this summer. i would say something mean like i hope you fall off, but i'm not a sadist like you. so i shall wish you well and hope that the next year brings new beginnings for the both of us.
love, me
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