i've been avoiding writting this letter for a little over three weeks now. well, longer, i suppose, but three weeks ago, i think, is when things happened that made me REALLY want to avoid writting this. avoid asking myself questions that needed to be answered, for myself anyways.
see, it was going well. i told myself that i had fallen out of love with you back in august, when we went through that whole "hate" stage. i've been fine, not being with you and knowing that you didn't want to be with me. i've been having fun with life, moving on with life, getting better at handleing thing.
but i guess no matter how many times you tell yourself something, it wont make it come true, will it??
so i've been avoiding asking myself these questions. because i'm terrified of answers. so i figured if i ignored it, i could push it away. and for the most part, its better for me to ignore it because now, at least, i know i can be with someone else and not worry about if you're going to randomly decide to want me, as you've done numerous times. not to say im angry about it, cuz im not, but well. . .
so that one sunday you were here and you stayed the night. we were watching tv in my room. i dont need to go into details with what happened. we both know (a bite's a bite, a kiss is a kiss, then there's the heavy breathing and pressed hips +you know i love those lyrics+)but that's what got my head all screwy. those two hours.
i dont want to be with you. not right now, at least. because you've hurt me to much in the past. but i really believe in "never say never". so i know that there is a chance that someday i'll wanna be with you, and, dare i say, you with me.
see, him, i just can't compare you to anyone else. the happiness i have when im around you, i've never felt like that. you make my face hurt from smiling and laughing to much. and the security i feel when you put your arms around me. or the rightness when the kisses click.
IT DRIVES ME FUCKING MADDDDDD!
so i guess, what i'm really trying to say here can be accomplished in a mere four words. so i'll say them. finally admit them outloud, which is something i've been hesitant to do because in my mind, once it's spoken, it can't be ignored. but. . .well. . .
i still love you.
ps. happy birthday, kidd.