englandsbreeze (englandsbreeze) wrote in _letterstoyou_,

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I'm sorry. I really am. But you already know that, so I don't know why I'm bothering to say it again.
I know what I did on Saturday was wrong, and I feel so bad because of it, and I apologised so much to you on the phone. I said sorry so many times. And I know its hard for you to forgive me, and I completely understand that. I was a complete bitch to you.
But...I just want you to understand a few things before you pass your final judgement on me and our friendship.
First of all, it wasn't only me, okay? I don't care what anyone else said to you, it wasn't only me.
It was me, Leah and Ollie. And sure, I know you would believe Leah over me any day, but I promise you, it was her as well.
Because, be honest with yourself. Do you really think that I am such an intimidating bullying person that Leah would be scared into doing something that she really didnt want to do because I told her to? No.
She chose to do those things by herself, for herself. She isn't the saint you make her out to be, you know.
She said a lot of shit about you as well. I wasnt the only one in the wrong, I wish you would accept that.
She was the one saying "Oh god, its Marleigh, I better not answer it. i really dont want to see her." and "im not texting her back, who cares?" and a lot of other stuff.
So yeah, theres your reality check on her.
And of course, Ollie was completely go-for-it.
But then, what would you expect of him.
I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me for what happened. And it really does hurt to know that you've already forgiven Ollie and Leah, when they were just as involved as I was.
And I know you said that this broke our friendship and it will take a lot to mend again, but why not the same with them? I just dont understand!
Why cant you ever see past my blame? Why is it only me?
Oh, I know, its probably because I'm "The Martyr."
The last two days at school have been so awkward. I mean, we'll talk and stuff, but it's really not the same is it? Yesterday morning you ignored me completely, understandably...But I dont know, Marl.
I think I would have preferred it if maybe you would have ignored me completely yesterday and today rather than been so uncomfortable with me. Kind of on acquaintance level or something. But not even that, because you can tell that theres so much hate for me going on under there.
And it's just the little things that have started to hurt.
Like the way you hardly ever call me Livi anymore, just Olivia.
Or the way you don't hug me at the bus stop anymore.
or how nothing I ever say seems to matter to you anymore.
And I know that I'm being, if I havent been already, replaced with Lora as your closest friend, but I think I will be able to accept that. And I guess, in a way, it might be a relief.
It might be a relief to know that I wont get texts at three AM telling me about how many pills you've taken.
It might be a relief not to have to worry so much that your slowly starving yourself to sych an extent that its the most serious thing i've ever seen.
And heck, it might be a relief not to have to feel so down all the time because someone I considered one of my closest friends in the whole world just doesnt seem to care anymore, and I cant ever talk to her, not about how I feel about anything, even though she tells me her opinions on me and the people I care about very often.
So I dont know if this is the curtain call on our friendship, or if its just the start of something new where we're not as close anymore.
But whatever happens, I hope your happy in your decision.
Because I'm leaving it all down to you. I swear here and now, Marleigh, this is completley your decision, and whichever one you make, I hope it's for the best, because I will follow it completely.
Olivia xx

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