halo_choker (halo_choker) wrote in _letterstoyou_,

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kind of perfect...


I put this under a cut so then if noone wants to read this, they don't have to.

well, i hate this feeling when it kind of mounts up and what I hate more is that i have little examples of it so I'm not just imagining it. I feel like I really do have to be here for you at the moment, and I have tried. And I also understand that you have to deal with things in your own way, so I guess I tried to find a balance between the two. But this week, it just seems like since the news, you have been keeping yourself busy, and I can understand that, but then I don't know I feel crap too. We've been out all the nights because you wanted to, and you didn't want time to think, I don't mind, whatever makes u feel better, but it's like it's making you go off me or something. for example, you were going to sleep on friday, so I get all excited about it and then you say you're jammin, so i say okay and you can come round later, but then you said there was no point. fair enuff then, you want to keep yourself busy, but it's not much of a way to make me feel. you wouldn't say you love me until i said it like twice before i went. i understand you're upset about the stuff, i would be, worse than you. i dont think its fair to say what, but lets just say that it involves losing someone realy close in your family. so i also feel selfish for kinda moaning at you, but i guess, somewhere in this, you might have saw what im doing for you ( or trying to do, but failing).  but instead, it's more like you're pushing me away really.

so then i can put up with the not sleeping round thing, but then i end up seeing you out, and you just keep walking off, it really is like i have fleas or something lol, but you said i was being an arse poking him, but  i wouldnt have if there was an actual serious way of meanng : " please, will u just fuckin walk by me? do i bother you so much or something?". so i wont see him til sunday i think now, cos im at inme tomoro night and well, hes decided to go up town + he dusnt seem bothered. and its kinda disapointing that my weekends going to suck just like when hes at his dads, i wont see him.  but then i go onto myspace, and hes changed his profile, and im really just not in anymore, no: " i love my gf anna" or anything, it just says on his status hes not single. i mean, im not saying he has to have me in it, but what makes him think, hmmmm i shall take her out of my profile? like what have i done for him to not want to mention me? argh, i dont know, it sounds pathetic. but it just doesnt feel like i matter much anymore. i know he's probably pushing me away cos im going to be the one he comes to when he is upset ( i think) and he dusnt want to actualy think about it all enough to be upset again. but theres no reason to just dodge me and make me feel poitnless.

then hes at college now on monday, and i just wanted to see him before that, but oh wel, it really does look like life's abig disapointment.

"kind of perfect- armor for sleep"

i just think,  i wish i knew what he was thinking, if hes going to go off me, id rather him do it now, than me get paranoid about it for ages before, i dont deserve that, and he cant ignore me and just call me paranoid, cos it dusnt fuckin help.

this is also selfish cos he has other thigns on his mind, but he shouldnt be like this to me, so i should say something.


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