Did I ever tell you that you make me jealous? Not because you have or are anything that I envy. It is that you make me jealous of other people. I look around, and I see my friends, random people...and I just want the same as them. They live lives that aren't denied. They are happy. They enjoy what they have. They smile. And not the pretend smile that I do. They love their moms. I am ashamed that I don't have that. But you are the one that made me this way. You keep me from the only things I love. And force me into everything I hate. For so long I've gone along with it- to only be your perfect daughter, to only have your love. But I knew I was never enough. You keep me chained. All the countless times I've lied to my friends. "I don't feel like going out." "I'm busy." "Maybe..." Just to delay the inevitable. You say no. You always say no. I wish I could confide in you. Tell you my dreams and secrets. But you make me ashamed. Because I can't be your perfect angel child. It never is enough for you. I only want you to be proud of me. But you only want to keep me down. You make excuses to keep me away. "Your grades are slipping." No. Actually they never did. I'm sorry that I'm not number 1 in my class of EFFING 700 instead of number 21. And like it matters anyways because you are forcing me to go to State for college rather than one of the UC's. "You won't focus on school." Um, I'm sorry but since when did parents keep their children FROM CHURCH? "You're becoming lazier." Ever think about anyone but yourself? YOU ARE THE PARENT. It is your job to take care of me. To protect me. NOT TO SMOTHER ME. You don't listen to anyone. Because you are always right. And you are sovereign. And I always just get in your way. All your daughters do. I'm sorry I'm SUCH a fuck-up. And that I'll never amount to anything. And that I'm such a horrible child. But I guess it's just a reflection ON YOU.
I'm sorry that I'm not you.
But I'll never be sorry that I don't ever want to be remotely you.