I lied, before. This is the real last letter and the real goodbye.
I don't know how to let you go.
I got to talk to you for a few hours, a few weeks ago, but it left a lot more questions than it answered. I don't understand. Not everyone who loves you is going to hurt you, okay? Just so you know.
Please tell me how to forget you existed.
But you're not ever coming back. This is so much more final and so much more real, but it feels so surreal, almost like I watched it happen to someone else.
You're just gone.
You were so...cold. Not like my usual greeting at all. It was uncomfortable as hell because you didn't know what to say and I didn't know how to phrase it. I'm glad I did get to say goodbye no matter how much more it hurt. It didn't HAVE to be a goodbye though. If you wanted to badly enough you could have kept in touch or something. I mean, you're not just going to say goodbye to your best friends when you leave. I know I'm just..me...but still.
You said that I'm not your problem anymore.
Is that so?
Does that mean you won't care how fucked up I get?
I'm sorry all of this happened.
I wish you hadn't apologised. There's nothing you could have done and even if there was, "Sorry" doesn't fix things that have been broken. It wasn't your fault I was stupid enough to let you in and give you this kind of power over me.
So this is my real goodbye and this is really the last letter. This is still, however, me missing you.
I guess it's obvious. Breeze knew right away. Spring's getting married on your birthday, remember? Breeze is going to call me so I'm not alone, then. On her sister's fucking WEDDING day, she's going to be worried about me.
I don't know if it's going to be okay, Dev. I don't.
Matt says it will be, but I'm not sure I believe him.
People say that sometimes to make you feel better but that doesn't mean it's true. I'm sure people told you it would be okay when your mom died. Did that make it better?
I didn't think so.
Have you forgotten me already? That wouldn't surprise me. Matt said he caught you crying a little after we talked.. I'm not sure I believe him about that either. You, the impenatrable Devyn, cry? The last time I've known you to cry was over Jackie, and she broke YOUR heart, not the other way around. What did I say? I was just rambling and babbling at you. I wish I hadn't said what I said because it didn't fix anything. I should have stayed in bed that night.
I don't know how to explain how sorry I am.
I don't know how to explain that I didn't mean for this to happen.
I don't know how to tell you how I can't let you go no matter how hard I try.
So I guess this is the end of this goodbye, isn't it?