Log in

No account? Create an account
03:54am 27/04/2012
  Оригинал взят у murmuzyatina в оживить речь юмором и убить матом - y kogo toRead more...Collapse )
Оригинал взят у dotspiral в next entryRead more...Collapse )
Оригинал взят у mariamagdalena в мария магдалена святая блудница - девки в озере купались...Read more...Collapse )
Оригинал взят у inmost_light в borschtsch и schtschiRead more...Collapse )
Оригинал взят у inmost_light в previous entryRead more...Collapse )
Оригинал взят у ni4toneslishkom в previous entryRead more...Collapse )
Оригинал взят у mariamagdalena в мария магдалена святая блудница - , 2 часа съемки,Read more...Collapse )
Оригинал взят у nezaniatoe_imia в previous entryRead more...Collapse )
Оригинал взят у inmost_light в вокруг света..на маленькой лошадке - как не погибнуть посреди такого беспорядка?Read more...Collapse )
Оригинал взят у dotspiral в монолог...продолжается - ученые умеют пробовать влияниеRead more...Collapse )
About the foolish me. 
01:22am 03/10/2011
mood: apathetic
Some previous observations:
I adapted this text from my post. I felt like wanting to express myself in a wider range, I don't know, maybe that is why I felt like letting out these words here. And I opted to refer myself in third-person in the second part of my text, if this somehow might be misunderstood.
So, how should I start?
My "intention" here is write almost in a direct, fluid way, without thinking too much. It' a way to vent myself from trivialities and insignificances of my insignificant life. English is not my native tongue, so I might write some abhorrent ungrammatical mistakes, so don't mind it.
She doesn't belong and never belonged here, and she wonders if she will somewhere someday. It's just like have a feeling of being a foreigner in her own country since she was born. Everything about her it's more something related to identity searching, construction and deconstruction, maybe
 Although she is in her early twenties she feels like having a midlife crisis all the time, or something like an individual fin de siècle sentiment. Fin de siècle in her twenties.
She passed through twenty-three winters, and she asks herself all the time where is the meaning of all this and where to go. Because of her nature she can say that she fell in love in some points of her life, but all she could do was stand still just staring, unable to move. And because of this same nature all she can do is crumble herself after realizing the impossibility of the matters and the casualties which came about. And this cycle keeps revolving and repeating itself until now.
She can't located herself accurately where she is within this cycle, but surely she is, at some rate, infatuated at the moment, or at least it is a destructive and deep crush. Somehow, this time, it different from any other circumstances from the past. She could, somehow, recognize something she endures reflected too in that eyes. But she knows it is impossible, specially due to internal (herself) and external circumstances (the people around us). Too close but too far.
She intuits something and put on some hope in this, and if this is somehow true, even a little, then he is maybe stopping to stare her among the stars (it is not like being something superior, but maybe it is more like a falling star).  But probably she is mistaken herself with some tiny and foolish evidences and nothing of this ever existed in reality. 
I still have ghosts 
08:21am 19/09/2011
  I still have ghosts. What I mean is, I still find myself thinking about my old best friend. We were friends for well most of my life 25 years. Last year, she did something really stupid. She got mad at me when I confronted her about her drinking problem.

She also smokes a heavy amount of weed every day. For the last four years she was doing that stuff, I'm afraid that she still is. She also taking shrooms and just recently Exacsy, I think I spelled that wrong.

Anyaways, she was always talking about how I needed to enjoy my life and get out there and do stuff. I have. I have a job, I have a great family, and I have a wonderful boyfriend. I've traveled and seen things.

What has see done? Well I got her to go to college, after I finally graduated from it. She travels, but to concerts {NIN and Muck Sticky mostly}. She doesn't have a job and is still single, in her mid twentys. She smokes and drinks all day long and partys at night time. She says that she smokes to ease her depression and shit.

I'm depressed as well, but at least I've been productive in my lifetime. She calls me the one that fails at life, when it really sounds like all she does it party.

I don't understand, have I done something wrong in my lifetime to cause myself so much pain and yet she SAYS she is living a life of joy?

I still feel guilty though. When I confronted her about it she went off completely on me. She told me that she never did consider me a friend after eight grade. We went through grade school and high school together. That really hurt deep.

I know I shouldn't feel guilty, I didn't do anything. She then a few days later sent me this really long nasty text that took up like nine different text screens. She told me that the drinking problem was on both sides of her family, yeah mine too. I really watch myself around drinking and only do it maybe twice a year at most. My birthday maybe and maybe a little on a holiday.

Her mother and her grandmother use to come out to the furniture store a lot when we were friends, I haven't seen them at all since our split. I think they are embarrassed to come by and see me.

She also has destroyed the outside of her body and now has these stupid tattoos everywhere. She is a small girl like myself and has them all up and down her arms.

I don't know at this point if I am making it sound like I am better than her, at least that is what she thinks anyways and has made it known to me. She also confessed to me that she has always been jealous of me.

She has also wondered why she can't keep a boyfriend. Maybe if she didn't fuck them on the first or second date she would, cause the men here that is all they care about. She shuns me for still being a virgin and when she unloaded all of this on me, I just couldn't take it anymore. I had been very passive up until she put all the blame on me, and that was it. Some people say I was in the wrong to turn my back on her.

After about a few months of our split, she sends me this stupid text:

so not you

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”

Hell, I don't know what to do anymore. That gave me massive guilt and I know that I don't need to have it, cause that means she wins.
I thought days off were for reviving your nerves. 
11:43am 14/09/2011
  I like sleeping in on my days off. This day however, I couldn't. It turned ten in the morning and I get a call from Sabrina, one of my manager's daughters who has a newborn, she asked where her mom was cause she couldn't get in touch with her. Then after I said I didn't know and curled back up to get back to sleep, Rhonda calls me to make sure I remember about the big sale we are going to have Friday and to remind me that I needed to get to work earlier than usual. After I get off of the phone with her, I curl back up to go back to sleep again, but my mom called me half an hour later to ask me if I wanted to go have lunch with her. I have lunch here for myself.

I wish that I could at least have one morning to where I can get some peace. The deal breaker was my allergies started to move about and make my nose and head feel like crap. So, I got up.

Now, I'm up fighting my allergies and about to take a pill for it and also about to make some lunch.

My boyfriend is still asleep, so I'm gonna let him stay asleep, cause I'm nice and considerate about those things. I think I am going to find a movie to watch. I just want to enjoy what I have of today and not hear any more crap for anyone. I have a feeling though, that I might hear more later today.
I wish I found this page before.. 
12:41am 31/08/2011
mood: rejuvenated
I want people to read my entries and posts and be able to relate to them and appreciate them. I want people to look at my struggles and feel the words I write and maybe get inspired by me. I wish I saw this page before so I could post my entries on here for everyone to see. I guess all I can do is to tell you to go look at my journal entries if I happened to catch your attention and friend me if you'd like.
Car Issues 
05:21pm 23/08/2011
  Oh my god. Car troubles. My service engine soon light was on. Turns out that I needed a new gas cap. Well Steve took my car down to Auto Zone and then he had them look at what was wrong. I don't know who the hell was opening my door so much to my car, maybe he was, but then after work.. I stop to get some drinks and my car door handle on the inside comes loose in my hand. Also, I can't lock that door anymore. All the other doors still lock, but that one doesn't. And then on my way home some asshole tries to run into me. Ugh, I'm so tired and really mad right now.  
10:30am 02/11/2009
mood: anxious
So I have been dating the same guy for 3 years (he is my first boyfriend), and recently I moved away to college and have started to meet new people and make new friends. Well I met this guy and we really hit it off, so much so that I'm beginning to have feelings for him and I'm pretty sure he has some for me. Like last night for example, Steve (the new guy friend), 2 other friends, and I went out to a playground and were having fun there for awhile, well after we had dropped everybody else off later I still wanted to spend some time with him so we went in my room and layed down and talked. I'm a very physical orientated person so we were close and if I was laying on my back he would have his head resting on my shoulder and if I was on my side he would have his head resting against my back and I loved it. I just feel so comfortable around him and he would say these sweet little comments about how soft my skin was or how nice I smelled and he offered to give me a back massage (I have a bad back) and it was amazing. We fell asleep together and i actually stayed close to him in my sleep which never happens with my boyfriend. I know that what I'm doing is technically cheating and I feel absolutely horrible about it! On one hand my boyfriend can be moody and jealous but he relies on me so much (he has already decided i'm the woman he is going to marry) and I'm the only person he trusts and I know that if I break up with him his whole world would crash and he would be depressed and angry. But on the other hand "Steve" makes me happy and I feel so comfortable around him but I haven't known him for very long. I'm so damn confused and I don't know what to do, i love my boyfriend but I'm starting to love "Steve" too...

Any suggestions?
     Read 1 - Post
Rant about my life. 
01:33am 28/10/2009
mood: depressed

I should start off by introducing myself. I am a sixteen year old boy (seventeen in two months). Nothing special. But a lot to say.

Probably not worthy to talk about life, seeing as to how I have not experienced the reality as of yet. But I’ve seen enough to question our and my existence.

My life has been pathetic. Sure, others praise me for being a straight-A student who is “dedicated, trustworthy, and intelligent”. Do these achievements make me feel any better about myself? Hardly. I’ve grown up a sheltered child. My mother and father are very old-fashioned Asian parents; more so than most can imagine. In my sixteen years of life, I have gone to the movies with my friends twice in my life. The last classmate’s party I’ve went to was when I was in elementary school. I’m an overweight, quiet teenage boy with no hopes of a girlfriend anytime soon. I have not had a close female friend since I entered high school. As I left middle school, about half of my friends went to a different high school, and in the past year of high school, two of my four closest friends have moved or transferred schools. I mean sure, I have plenty of friends and acquaintances at school, but none of them are close enough for me to consider “close”. Although most of them would be surprised to hear this, I have not enjoyed the company of another classmate outside of school hours in an entire year.

I go to school at 7:00 in the morning. I go through the day doing nothing remarkable; I am a shadow in my classes. I do not have any classes after lunch; I leave school at 12:15. This leaves me with only 5 hours at most to socialize with those around me. When I arrive home, I have my lunch alone, and I take a nap or go on my computer. I no longer feel a connection with anyone at school. I have not conversed with another person on any of those social websites such as Facebook or Myspace since middle school; I only talk to people on AIM when I talk to others about schoolwork and such. If I finish my homework? I have not had television my entire life. So I spend my time on my computer. I play computer games or talk on forums. I try all I can to find other people to connect to. All my old friends who have used to play online games with me have stopped. I am the only one left, because it is one of my only ways to socialize with others.

Sometimes I think to myself that maybe I am not trying hard enough to bring others into my life. But I cannot convince myself of this because, as far as I know, I try my hardest. I could try to go to the mall with friends, but I have no car/ride nor do I have an allowance, so I do not have any money to spend at the mall. I considered taking a job, but my time is limited, and once again, I do not have a ride. I try bring up conversations with my friends via cell phone or AIM, but everyone is too busy with school their own social lives. They have already established their own circle of friends, and I cannot find one to join. Of course I am an all-honors student, so I could always become friends with those others. But I do not want to; I do not want to worry about grades and life. My parents have complained about my selection of friends, telling me to get friends who are “smarter” so I can learn from others, and not be around a bunch of do-nothings.

I find friends for who they are, not what they have accomplished. Certainly, I befriend all I meet, because of my reluctance to criticize others. Thanks to this characteristic of mine, I have no enemies, at least that I know of. However, I have no true “allies”. Maybe I am looking for something that my age group does not offer; I want to be part of a group of people who will do anything to stand up for one another; sort of like a family, but not to such an extent. Have people in high school not reached such a level of relationships? The closest I have reached to this sort of bond was that I formed with my teammates on the football team, but it was not quite to the level I desire. Sure, we experience the same difficulties and goals, so we did share some sort of bond; but that was where it ended. It may be because I am different from them; many hear that I am an honors student and their attitude will change. They respect me, but do not consider me one of them. There are some others on the football team who are honors students as well, but they are accepted because they excel in the sport, whereas I was a simple lineman: I was expected to be able to aid the team, but was not necessarily considered much of an asset. My sophomore year of high school, I was a “starter” lineman. But that year I only played in two games the entire year; I was constantly replaced by linemen they brought down from the varsity team. This led me to quit the team, because I felt that I had wasted two years of my effort to attempt to establish a place on the team, only to have that “place” be meaningless. Now, as a Junior in high school, I have not heard a single one of the football players ask me why I quit, or even asked me to come back. Of course. I was never an asset, I was just taken for granted.

School-life aside, the people I am closest to are my family, more specifically my cousins. I have roughly 13 cousins on each side of my family, over 25 in total. Of these, 4 of them are born in the same year as me, while there is only a 1 to 2 year difference between me and about 8 of them. But even in this rare, close connection between family members, I am different from the others. The 13-some of the cousins from my mother’s side all live in Asia, so there is not a close connection between them and me – it is mostly limited to contact over the internet. Regarding the other 13 cousins, they live an hours’ drive away from me, all in the same town. They all share the same school, the same friends, the same experiences. A school, friends, and experiences that I am not a part of. We had an amazingly close relationship as children, but now, as teenagers, their bond has strengthened, yet my connection with them has weakened. Although 4 of them are born in the same year as me, I am a December-child, so I am a year younger than them. They have gone through elementary through high school together, and next year they will all share the unique experience of leaving to experience their new lives in college. I have grown up separate from them, and next year, I can only expect our bond to weaken as they all go about their own lives, while I am anchored down to my duties in high school.

I don’t know where I belong. My parents want me to be an Ivy League student, who will become successful life as a doctor, lawyer, or engineer. My friends all think my bar is set too high; they think me haughty when I tell them that my parents consider UC Irvine my “backup” college. For most of my friends, this is probably as far as they can get; UCLA at most. So I ask myself what do I want? Hell, I don’t know. I do know, however, that I do not want to be a doctor, a lawyer, a student who struggles through school and college only to live a life that I see as boring and stressful. I want to lead a life in which I can take things slowly, in which I can find that “family” I earlier mentioned. Maybe it is because I have been deprived of a lot of childhood connections that I have this desire to lead a life where I am able to form connections with others. The professions I can think up where I can form such a connection are quite limited. Psychiatrists, counselors, teachers. But I constantly question my qualifications for such professions. Reflecting upon my own relationships I have at this instance, I am not one that should talk about being a psychiatrist or a counselor, who helps other people, when I cannot even solve my own social problems. As a teacher? Sure, I have considered this; my parents condemn it for being a low-paying job that does not even require an extensive education. My friends think I am joking; a straight-honors student aiming for the sky merely aspires to be a teacher?

I really do not want to think about the future. I do not want to think about how my efforts in life and school will end up to be in vain when I end up failing to live a satisfactory life. I want to cut ties with the expectations of society as soon as I can; I want to start a new, fresh life, where I can live carefree and not worry about the pressures of school and of “my future”. I want to be able to live like my fellow acquaintances who are able to enjoy life to the fullest while they can. Just because I go to a better college in the future, does not mean that I will lead a happier future than my peers, and it does not even necessarily mean that I will be more successful than them. I envy their freedom in life in contrast to mine. Even if it means living in a less privileged life than I have been living all my life, I think I would not regret a moment of a new life.

Sure, others tell me that if I truly want to change my life, I can do it now. The problem is, this habit of slaving away over my tasks to become an elite student has been engraved in me. Beginning of this school year, I resolved to myself that I will change at least half of my AP classes to regular classes, in order to create more time to relax and possibly make friends. But my parents took me as rebellious, my schoolmates saw me as weak and giving- up. So now I am still taking all 5 AP classes, and have made little to no progress in achieving the goals I had intended. Despite my numerous urges to rip up my schoolwork, to quit my classes, I am scared of wasting my efforts over all these years to climb to where I am now. Others may see me at the top of a cloud where they may never reach, but I do not want to be up here. I want to be down there with everyone else. Yet I do not understand why I cannot come down. It may be that I am scared to fall and crash.

So I have resorted to continue living shadowed and undistinguished. I will carry on my stressful life that others constantly tell me will “pay off”, while I complain about my true desires on this blog. I have abandoned my efforts to form better relationships with my fellow schoolmates and decided to wait until my “new life” in a new profession, when I will not have the daily interaction with the same people. I fear that my future will be as lonely if not more than the one I have right now, but the constant reassurances from those around me have led me and will be leading me to take that gamble, and hopefully the future will not be as bleak as I may fear.

     Read 3 - Post
I wish I was strong enough to cry 
10:58pm 24/10/2009

I miss my best friend.
She lives a thousand miles away, and she won't come online to talk to me. She's been 'too busy' to exchange so much as an email with me for over a month now. She expects me to believe that she hasn't been online at all during that time.
I bet she's been on every damn day and just has me blocked so I can't see her status...I text her everyday asking if she'll have time for me..most the time I don't get an answer. When I do get an answer, it's something along the lines of 'no, sorry..I won't be home tonight.'
I'm losing her again; she's fucking me over and not giving a shit about how much it's hurting me.
And the terrible thing is..I still love her.
More than anything, the strongest thing I feel for her is love.
This girl has been one of the closet people to me for four years..and she's done this to me before. I lost all contact with her for almost a year, because she was suddenly 'too busy' for me..I just got her back a year ago, and now it seems the cycle is starting all over again.

I want more than anything for her to be happy with the person I am and to love me just as much..to care about me and my happiness..Not to walk all over me and not give a damn when she pushes my face down in the mud.

I can't play these games anymore..I'm tired of being the one that shuts up and lets her take advantage of me. I'm tired of missing out on things I want to do in my life just so I can sit in front of a screen and IM her when she finally finds the time to talk to me. I'm tired of being the one that get's let down all the time. I'm tried of being the one that NEVER lets her down..I'm tired of being the one that's always there, when she never is..I'm tired of being the one who has to hurt. I'm so DAMN tired of being the one who gives a shit, when she clearly doesn't..
And I am so tired of being the one she thinks she can turn away from, and run back to when she suddenly remembers how much she loves me. I'm tired of being the one she feels guilty over for stabbing me in the back. I'm tired of being the one with the open wounds all the time..and I'm tired of her never being there to stitch them back up when I really need her to. I'm sick of how dependent I've been on her, when she's the least dependable person I've ever met. I'm sick of the lies and the deception and the petty bull shit she always pulls..I'm tired of her trying to hurt me, just to see if I'll get angry at her..I'm tried of being her damn toy.

And yet..Now she's not here again, and I'm so frustrated.
I miss her..

I'm losing her,
and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

My first post here 
02:03pm 08/07/2009
  My anger shall be freed. At my friends my ex my mother and my father my family! Because they didnt relize when i went from an ex. large to a small when i dropped 4 pant's sizes, They didnt relize me not eat regually for a freakin year and now im recovering from ana on my friends and family are too stupid to relize im anorexic have bin for a year almost. And they dont even beleive that.

     Read 1 - Post
so glad to find this place 
04:09pm 08/06/2009
mood: pissed
 i really need to vent right now. Why after hearing me say that tomorrow is a new day would you look at porn AGAIN??? after yesterday you said you felt bad about it? i can't fucking believe you. I feel terrible about going to that party and messing around with those girls, which you btw said was okay. but i'm never going to do that again. I hate how in one minute you can take my happy mood and make me want to cry by being so rude about nothing. i'm sorry about the freakin wrag in the sink okay?! i hate how you don't have patients AT ALL! i hate reading through the history on this laptop, after you said you would stop. I feel like you're going to ruin anything we're trying to mend back together in our relationship. I feel like you don't care even though you say you do. last night i fantasized about being with a woman again. i'm sorry. maybe it's because our sexlife seems to suck ALOT. pretending to be a sleep really fucking pisses me off sometimes, i know you think it's funny but quit it. your my best friend in the whole world. i love you. i'd die for you. When we're snuggling on the couch that's the best thing in the world for me. Just being with you is the best thing in the world. Gese i know we're in love and i know not everything is going to go smoothly, but lying to me isn't going to solve anything either. You ask me why I DON"T TELL YOU when i do things like download cd's to the computer??? well because i didn't think that was a big deal. i'm sure there's a heck of a whole lot of stuff that goes on in your life outside of our home that you don't tell ME about and you don't hear me complaining. *sigh* glad to get that out. 
the impossible 
02:04am 31/05/2009
  Why does it seem impossible to find someone who likes the same things I do?  And how come no matter what I do or what I think about it always reverts to thinking about her and what we used to have?  
Why break an Angel ???? 
02:00pm 02/05/2009
mood: aggravated

I`ve 2 best friends that are true friends, I`m talking about the kind of friendship that you see in movies!

One of them (lets call her Angel) had to move to another city last year cuz her Dad-
(is a good-for-nothing druggie who hits Angels Mother *He`s never hit his daughter, I`d have cut up his arms if he had. I`d rather kill him but Angel`d get sad if I killed her Dad* and goes of to Iran for 6 months and then first thing he does when he`s back is to go to his friends cuz they are more important then his kid)

Anyway, they moved cuz he couldn`t handel that the woman who he haven`t loved (or liked) for a very long time might find a better Father to Angel then him! (And now thanks for the lack of freedom to find a good guy, she took the first man she clicked with who`d help her)

So they move in with this guy, who`s nice at first. (I know, I know, they always are)
Then he turns into this controlling, ridiculous spoiled child who believes that he`s never ever wrong
(fuck, he`s going for 50 and he act like a 6 year old)
He criticize Angel, always talk about how great his own kids are (his kids hates him, they told Angel that themselves and how they pity her for she have to live with him)
He don`t allow Angel and her Mum to speak in their language cuz he says it makes him feel left out
(sure, fair I guess... But getting mad when they talk persian when he`s not home? The fuck is wrong with this man??)

In Angels new school everyone already know each other and they don`t let any new people into their groups.
She`s no one in her class, the very few people that she can be with are people who she doesn`t like but is with cuz she`s lonely and people who use her.
(One time when the over-grown-child and Angels Mum fought he said ``And she can`t get any friends anyway!´´
I am still ready to sit in a train for 6 hours to knee him in the face but Angel begged me not to)

Angel wants to move out but her Mum don`t want her to (they are really, really tight) and she can`t tell her Mum that she can`t live with this man cuz she`s don`t want her Mother to get sad.



(not kidding, this is ALL those *so called* girls in her class talks about)

I`m mad at her Mother. For telling her daughter to keep her feelings, opinions to her self so her boyfriend won`t get upsetFor giving her child more mental scars by staying with him cuz she`s afraid of being alone and what people will think of her if she was.
(She can kick him out, even from the beginning but he got blackmail. But now he has no reason to, hes Mother just died and he gets the house. By some twisted logic, she thinks it will get better... Lord, he`s 4 ex-wives who despise him, 3 kids who hates him. They only meet or talks to him when they are going to get something out of it and when their Grandmother died the FIRST thing they asked was what they would get. Does this not tell you what they have learned from their Dad!)

Why, WHY would you want to insult, pick on, ignore and break down someone so sweet, caring, selfless, nice, considerating, polite, so freaking nice that you must do something really horrible for her to say or think anything remotely bad about you and she tries sooo hard for everyone to be happy even when she`s miserable!!!!

When we started being friends, she was new in school, she had friends in the school and class but she was sooo shy. When I saw her with a friend (our best friend nr2, me and nr2 knew each other but we weren`t close) even with her at her side she looked scared to death. I felt sorry for her so I started talking to them. 

In the beginning I was bothered by her innocence and how naive she was, I was (and still am, kinda) the girl who liked to tell people I worshiped the devil to freak them out, saw my self as a rebel but really I just liked acting weird. I wanted her to show a bit of a dark side (not saying she don`t have one but it`s either small or grey) It took a while but I accepted that there were someone like that and I saw how amazing she is.
We were and still are, fire and ice only now she has cold me down and I have warmed her up. (I know it`s sounds cliche but it truly is how we are with each other and how effect each other)

I don`t understand how they can treat her like this, when things are at it`s worse she talks to me or nr2 and then she feels bad for laying it on us.

I'm so sick of this shit. 
11:29am 05/04/2009
  I have bad stress problems, thanks to my family and my job.
I have panic attacks, thanks to all the above.

I'm getting sick and tired of wondering when my next attack is going to be.

College isn't helping either..

I just want to scream, "Fuck it all." and just go far away.. away from anyone and everything.
01:11am 10/02/2009
   Hey guys, i just made a new website.It's a place where you can email me, at any time, to talk to me. To vent, to get advice, to anything. To just have a friend at any time. Completely confidential. I'm pretty much a loner, but I am a psychology major and I really love to talk to people, listen to people vent, etc. Just come and send me an email and say hi at the least. It would really put a smile on my face. And hopefully yours.

it's called You're Not Alone

~Sincerely, Me

Get Outraged And Get Active About Internet Censorship 
05:20pm 05/08/2008
    Paul Joseph Watson
Prison Planet
Tuesday, August 5, 2008

In response to increasing flagrant attempts to censor political websites, including Infowars and Prison Planet, not in Communist China, but in the U.S. and the UK, we are running a special contest with a top prize of $5,000 in order to encourage people to get active and educate others about the growing threats to Internet freedom.

As we reported yesterday, major transportation hubs like St. Pancras International, as well as libraries, big businesses, hospitals and other public outlets that offer wi-fi Internet, are blacklisting alternative news websites and making them completely inaccessible to their users.

On weekly basis we receive e mails from across the US and the UK from people who have attempted to visit our websites yet found them to be blocked by filtration software that lists them as “hate” or “violence”.


I am a not a machine 
08:00am 27/07/2007

I have feelings all the time. Even at work. We all do. The rich want to own us because they pay us to work for them. We are slaves for a paycheck. We have no choice unless we want to be homeless, even then we have to serve somebody to eat and if lucky a shelter for the night. As far as I am concerned capitalism will eventually fall as more and more people cross the bridge into the have nots. It's only a matter of time. The signs are there.

The only thing that might save our country is a balance of socialism. Or one day the rich will wake up to a rebellion like they have never seen. There will be blood in the streets and many good people will die as they try and contain us and continue their rule over us. Henry Kissinger once said if the american people
really knew what was going on in this country, there would be a revolution. I will leave it there.

Guilty as charged: "Love in the workplace" 
04:37pm 04/07/2007

A knock at the door awoke me from my slumber on the couch...

     Read 1 - Post
Bug Chasers! 
02:25pm 02/07/2007

Well ladies and gentlemen... I am now entirely convinced that as a society we are screwed! WHO is raising the youth of America?? WHERE are they getting their ideas...In all of my rebellion and angst I could have NEVER come up with today’s topic! Even now, at twenty five, I cannot comprehend...

Bug Chasers

Bug Chasers- Gay men (typically ranging between age 14 to 30) who pursue contracting the HIV virus, usually through public orgy's known as "Conversion Parties".


Yes people, you read that correctly! There really are people running around trying to contract the HIV virus!!

I stumbled upon this information purely by accident one day while searching for acceptable insects to feed my turtles, and thus the research began. There are entire websites dedicated to finding people that are WILLING to give you the virus. Here are some reasons why people claim they desire infection...

1) "They feel left out of the gay community"!
2) "They feel that if enough people become infected, a cure will be found in a more timley manner"!
3) "They would rather have the virus then constantly worry about contracting it"!
4) "They simply do not want to be bothered with condoms"!
5) "It is an adrenaline rush...Some people barrel roll off of Niagra Falls, I bare back at conversion parties"!

This makes me sick...Physically sick! You know as well as I, the person or group of people that started this thing were sitting around one day, angry that they, themselves, contracted the virus and thus, the cycle began. It is like a cult of sorts, older men selling young boys on the idea and the boys selling their peers! How completely deplorable!!

How have we, as a society, become such that we breed youth that is completely desensitized to pain and suffering?
How have we gotten to the point were we have people running around that would rather contract a deadly virus and die a slow, miserable death, then wear a CONDOM?
How is it that people already infected are inhumane and cruel enough to want to impose that on a person that COULD NOT POSSIBLY understand what they are getting themselves into?

To The Boys/Men Who have Not Yet Succeeded:

Please stop and think about what you are doing! Know that you are a beautiful, unique person worthy of life! Understand that contracting HIV is a tragedy of epic proportion! Contracting HIV will not make you a card carrying member of the gay community...You are that already simply by being who you are! Quite the contrary, HIV has been a large part of the stigma surrounding gay culture (although I don't believe one has anything to do with the other!) This will not bring you closer to the people you know that have HIV...If that person truly cared about you, they would not want you anywhere near it! Infecting the masses with HIV will never bring about a cure! A cure will only be found when enough money and researchers are allotted to do the job...And simply, when they find it! It will happen in it's own time, no matter how large the percentile of people infected! If you want to be proactive in HIV prevention, the best way is to not contract! If everyone takes every precaution available to them, Aids will die off and become a thing of the past! This cannot happen if everyone does not do their part! Know that the people that love and care about you would NEVER want this! Love yourself enough not to want this! Be proactive in the fight against HIV...PREVENT! If you need help...Reach out...Write me if you have to...But talk to someone!

To the Boys/Men That Have Contracted:

I am so sorry this has happened to you...No matter how it happened! I cannot imagine what you are going through right now! Please reach out to anyone you can! You cannot go through this alone! That being said, you need to understand that you now have a great responsibility. It is your moral and ethical obligation to NEVER knowingly pass this burden onto anyone! Doing that would only contribute to the problem...You need to be part of the solution! If you contracted through a conversion party, realize that you were taken advantage of...By men who they, themselves were taken advantage of! Know that this must stop! Do all that you can to educate young people...Speak out...Let people know how you were victimized (because you were, no matter how hard it is for you to believe)...Spread as much awareness as you can to prevent this from continuing! Do not allow your suffering to be in vain!

This is really all I can say on the topic...I just wish the world wasn't so ugly!

Okay so I know that post was long... 
05:29pm 30/06/2007
  Okay so how do I do the "read more" thing? My last post was kind of long...But I am new and don't know how to do much!