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05:01am 13/12/2008
  anybody still alive?  
10:06am 14/08/2007
  AttemptfailedCollapse )  
01:32am 19/01/2007
  I'm Ren.

I've been fucked up all my life.

I was suicidal at ten, started cutting at around twelve, and turned anorexic around thirteen.  Now I've quit all of that and I'm trying my best to recover.  I'm fifteen now.  I had an anxiety disorder, which fucked up a lot of my childhood and early teens.  I still get panic attacks.  But, I try not to angst too much in real life, because I know there's people worse off than me.
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09:19pm 14/01/2007
  just join and want to say 'ello.  
09:34pm 07/01/2007
  Hi im just joining
i wanted to say hi
     Read 1 - Post
04:49pm 07/01/2007
  Hello My name is Lizzy, i am 16 years old and new here.. hope to make some good friends  
10:16pm 09/08/2006
  My name is Becca, I'm 16 years old and I haven't been doing too well the last few years or so.
I was never a very popular kid, I was used when needed and when I was no longer usefull I was beat up and yelled at by my peers. Around grade 7 I started cutting myself.
When I started grade 9 things got a bit better when I met this really nice guy who became my best friend for over a year. I told him about my past depression and that I injure myself. He thought it was horrible, but said that he wouldn't be like the others and would help me stop. So, I was ok for a long time. I barely thought of doing anything harmful because we always joked and stuff and I was so happy.
A few months ago he told me he hated me, and couldn't stand talking to me anymore. As if that wasn't bad enough he took my new friends with him, and told people lies about me. I lost all my friends and my self-esteem. It hurt so much I became sick every morning before school.
Since that day I have started cutting again and taking sleeping pills just so I don't have to face the day.
So yeah, that's basically it.

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12:53pm 07/08/2006
  Just joined, and I wanted to say hi.

Looking forward to meeting all of you and getting to know people better.
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10:41am 27/07/2006
  Dying here again.
Every day adds a bit more.

So sick of all of this,
so sick of the sickness being
the only inspiration.

Mind is numb from
the internal screams
and breaking at the seams,
as I'm haunted by the ghosts
of aborted dreams.

Who to blame.
Who to blame today.
Life's gotten so dark I can't see
the shine on the life in the world out there
were I could always damn the reflection of
the enemy as I convienently forget what
that life out there is
really reflecting.

I fucked myself like I always do,
but give me half a chance,
I'll find a way to blame you.

Right now, though,
I'm too riddled by thoughts,
blurred by emotions.

Just as usual, entrapped in
this labryth of confusion, waiting
for the next break to insanity.

Always waiting for the walls to fall down
because I'm too damned weak to push them.
Can't hold up my hands in fear, though,
or have open arms of welcoming.

I've got nothing left, no energy.
Today I've got to tightly squeeze the skin,
still, there's so little left to bleed.

And I remember, I still see.
I see it's me and not the world
but seeing isn't always believing
and belief doesn't always
make a difference.

But I still can look at myself
yes, I still forever damn myself:

Always the better life sacrificed
to addiction to the familiar,
to fear of the unknown.

Hope always left to die in hunger,
my neglegence fed by fear
and a lack of true Will.

I'm still so sick of all of this,
so sick of the sickness being
the only inspiration.

And I find I'm
more and more dry with
every passing day.

The mirror won't
look at me in the face today.
And what's her name?

I'm such a fuck up, and I
hate to neglect my habits,
but I'm feeling so low today, I can't
lift a finger to point and blame.

I'll just let it fall on me.

Here at the bottom, finally
some sense of responsibility.
10:24pm 10/07/2006
mood: cold
My name is jessika. Sorry I din't post after I joined. But I got sent off to another state and was able to be on a computer. I've been cutting on and off since I was 11. My family had just been split up by a devorce and I was a big daddy's girl so it hit me hard when I was told I wouldn't be able to see him anymore. I was turned onto cutting by a friend of mine who had been doing it. She was two years older than I was, and had went through probably more than I would have been able to handle. She also got me addicted to smoking. I have tried to commit suicide twice, once by trying to drown myself and once by trying to overdose. I really don't know why I joined. I guess I felt this was a place where I could turn when I needed, and wouldn't be judged. But yes this is my intro. Sorry for taking up your time.
08:29pm 29/06/2006
mood: crushed
hey im new here my name is Stephanie.
Well let see ive been cutting since i was 12
sO almOst 5 yrs nOw. i dOnt really knO what made me start i just remeber One day i cOuldnt take the teasing and ridacule sO i wanted tO end my life sO i decided tO slit my wrist.
Well i didnt die but i did pretty gOod damage. i still have the scars frOm it. After my 1st atempt i didnt dO it again 4 a while untill they started again and i remebered hOw gOod it felt sO i decided tO dO it again.

Well ive been clean fOR almOt 4 mOnths.
See i prOmised my bOyfreind that i wOuldnt cut anymOre cuz he dOent want me getting hurt and i lOve him sO much that i agreed tO it.

but its sO hard! when my mOm gets On my case Or when my b.f gets mad abOut sOmething sO imple i just wanna pick up the knife sO bad and end the pain fOr just a lil bit but i cant cuz then id lOse the Only thing that ever made me happy.

Im sO cOnfussed with evrything right nOw!
05:15pm 03/05/2006
mood: drained
While reading this community, I noticed that there are many loving and caring people who have been hurt badly in so many different ways. There are many ways that help is available, and I'm hoping that my community can ease some of your demons.

It doesn't say in the userinfo page that I cannot do this, so here I go and I am terribly sorry if this offends anyone. And if it does, the mod can delete this entry immediately.

I created a community a while ago called
</a></strong></a>attemptfailed: for people who have attempted suicide. It is not a pro- suicide community, but it is one for people to tell their story, get advice, find people to relate to, etc. There is much more about it in the userinfo page, but I thought I'd give a little introduction to the community in case anyone out there is interested.

Take care everyone.
09:35am 16/04/2006
  So you think you're at the edge and the only way is down
Back is not an option, you're too proud to turn around
But proud of what? Of your failures? Of your anger? Of your scars?
Forget who you once were, you've forgotten who you are!
Look around - there's nothing left. Your so-called "pride" is dead.
You're Pandora, but you broke the box. Even "hope" has fled.
Is this the end of everything? If it is then let it come.
Is this the end of everything? Mercy, let this pain be done.

Take another step, now. Bend until you break.
How much farther can you go? How much can you take?

So you think you're at the edge and you're drowning in the rain
Fool. What know you of pride? What know you of pain?
You're a child - just a child - seeking pity, seeking help
Help for superficial wounds you've inflicted on yourself
You know nothing of the torment that the tortured try to hide
You bite your lip and scratch your arms, but are you bleeding on the inside?
Is this the end of everything? If it is, do you still dare?
Is this the end of everything? Child, do you really care?

Take another step, now. Bend until you break.
How much farther can you go? How much can you take?

So you think you're at the edge and you think that you may fall
You say you've lost your love for life, but I can feel you stall
You're not desperate, you're just angry. Raw emotion's not a game.
Go scream until your voice is gone then tell me of your "shame"
Close your eyes, break the skin, end the voices in your head
Did you ever stop to listen to a single word they said?
Is this the end of everything? If it is, then its too late.
Another self-fulfilling prophecy. Child, go and face your fate.

When you take one step too many, when you're permanently bent,
When you're burned up, scattered ashes, and your innocence is spent...

Then and only then have you truly reached the breaking point.
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04:36am 16/04/2006
mood: It'd be nice to finally relate
I've been cutting since i was about 14 or 15, and on and off since. I tried to quit for good but had a replaspe about a week ago. Grabbed, my boyfriends dubble knife and i just got drunk and cut. I dont know why we do this. For some reason when i cut it make's the pain leave and i feel safe and ok and when the blood comes it's like heaven. But it's sick. I smoke way too much pot, but i dont think it really does anything bad, but i still dont think it's really healthy you know? It's proven that it helps with depression. I mean i know why i'm fucked up i just dont understand why i cant stop, be normal. Why i cant go a normal day without breaking down for no reason. I've taken the pills and i've read the books, and watched the stupid shows and nothing will last cause tommorow i might lose it again. Does that mean were the weak ones out of socity, i'm always down and usaul only negative shit comes out of my mouth. I dont want to die, but god somedays i wish i could. I feel like evryone hates being around me and wishes i'd just leave. Thankyou for letting me speak about this, it's hard to except that i'm so fucked up. But i think everyone is to a degree. I understand that this is a community of people like me, so i'll try my best to help others too.
11:42pm 17/02/2006
promotion for _knowyouliveCollapse )
International Self-Injury Awareness Day 
10:47am 06/02/2006
mood: busy and motivated
I don't know how many of you have heard about this, but it is very important: March 1st is International Self-Injury Awareness Day. That means SPREAD THE WORD. Misconceptions about self-injury in society are rampant. People need to be educated, especially authority figures. This means police, teachers, parents, medical workers, employers, and anyone else who can affect you in situations regarding SI.

There are a few things you can do to raise awareness.

1. Pamphlets. This is a very good way to reach people. You can put them up at school, work, in hospitals, police stations, supermarkets, libraries...the list goes on. It can really help.

2. Presentations. Organizing a forum where you can reach people face to face is a great idea. You can hold them for students, for parents, for medical workers, policement, local employers, general public...anything you like. I realize that probably no one will do something like this, but it's something to think about. It's a much more effective way of reaching people.

3. Contact your mayor, governor, MP (for Canadians), etc. Ask them to get involved. They can do things like wear ribbons (red and black), help with leaflets, etc. It's important to get community leaders involved.

4. Contact newspapers. Do a few letters to the editor, maybe write a research piece or an 'expose' so to speak. You can ask to remain anonymous, obviously, so privacy shouldn't be an issue. And hell, if you're really brave, get someone to do an interview with you.

5. Spread the word online. Send out messages on the major sites (LJ and MySpace, for instance). Go to communities, send PMs to random people, write articles, blog entries...anything. After all, communication is one of the main reasons for the internet's existence.

This is a chance for the issue to get a little bit of understanding, to shed a little light on it. Right now, this is a completely grassroots movement. Governments are not getting involved, and they need to be doing so. The only way that will happen is if March 1st becomes KNOWN to the world. And it's up to us to make sure that happens.

You don't have to do much. A pamphlet here, a ribbon there...it doesn't have to be a big campaign. But PLEASE, if you feel strongly about this issue, get involved somehow.

This will be x-posted to pretty much every SI and mental health community I can get my hands on.
'falling feels like flying until you reach the ground' 
12:28am 07/02/2006
mood: depressed
well, im new.
my name's Hariette, im 18 and this is my first time on an LJ community like this. so excuse me if i sound a little nutty/surreal.

my life is surreal. i have no idea how i ended up like this, but it happened and here i am.
this is my story...

A change came over me one day. like, all of a sudden i decided to try something new. it was as if i just woke up and didnt know who i was anymore, like amnesia.
i'd throw out the thick, meaty sandwiches my mom would make and obsess over other girls. this isnt just because im Bi-sexual, but because i felt so inferior, so powerless to be like them. thats all i wanted.

pretty soon i became quiet where i was once loud. my friends didnt ask me what was going on, and i stopped talking to them. i soon was a loner who spent all her lunch times crying in the girls toilets, wishing i didnt have to, but knowing it was so important. i cry myself to sleep every night, and just wish that normality will come for me.

tragety struck.
my sister, one year older than me, overdosed on valium. suicide.
i couldnt handle it. if she didnt fit into the world, what hope did i have? i never knew she hated herself, but she did. she was so beautiful, and i wish for her everyday.

the mirror became my enemy. i stopped eating. i stopped sleeping. i cried and cried. my parents ignored me, more out of shock than anything. cant blame them. my sister had been the good one.

i dropped out of school and spent most of my days at home trying to ignore how i felt, trying to pretend it was all ok. im not okay, not at all. soon i resembled a skeleton, and no one dared look at me, as if they could knock me down with a batter of their eyelid.
if tears contained calories, i'd be pure dust by now. i cut to see if i bleed, to see if i am, infact, still alive. i am. its disgusting.

i go back to school after 6months. as soon as the councilor sees me, she admits me to hospital. an eating disorders clinic. i want to die. i want to be left alone to rot and get whats coming. i can feel death at my shoulder.
i realised i couldnt control it anymore. but i refused to talk. i hate the nurses, the docs and the endless line of therapists. they think im diseased, but i think i was grieving. badly.
i managed to get of hospital. on my first night home, i was alone.
i saw my second storey window and climbed through it. it was like i couldnt breathe. i'd completely decayed on the inside. i wanted out, like my sister. my feet leave solid ground, and as i hit the ground, i feel free, i want to take it all back, but its too late.

thats the last thing i can remember. three months later i came out of a coma, and began to change.
sometimes i lie awake at night and think about it all. i swear i can feel my sister with me all the time now, watching me, making sure i get better.

i'll never fully recover, and i have bad days. i hope you can help me get through them. i need you to understand.
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01:37am 28/01/2006
mood: ?_? Confused
I do drugs. I'll do anything I can get my hands on. Sometimes I'll purposely take uppers and downers at the same time, just to see if I will survive. My favorite drugs are ecstasy and acid. I'm having a hard time finding sheets, so I've just been rolling a lot more than usual. There is no way in Hell I could ever be remotely depressed when I'm flying that high. Everything feels perfect, blissful, and larger than life. AND it makes me DJ better than I do while sober.

Is it bad that I'd rather roll for the rest of my life and just forget about everything else?
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11:43pm 24/01/2006
  well...i'm not sure where to start.

I'm 17. I've been a cutter for a year and a half now. Wow. I've never said that before. I have another livejournal but i made this one because i'm not ready for people to know. I appear to be happy on the outside but really i'm not. I just can't break that image of being "perfect."

this is really weird for me to say..er, write. I've never really told anyone before. I few of my friends noticed the cuts on my wrists but failed to notice the ones of my ankles, my stomach, etc. I think they've forgotten about it too.

I don't have an trustworthy adult to tell...i dont want to tell an adult.

I've recently started drinking as well...not all the time, just a drink before I go to bed and then on the weekends if we go out...i tend to drink more. I'm not one to get all crazy and insane. I tend to mellow out, well i suppose it depends who I'm with.

i'm scared to try this so if talking about it here doesn't work then i may leave or delete this journal. I hope it does work because I don't know what else to do.
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05:33pm 07/01/2006



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