?

It's been awhile...

It's been at least 5 years since I've even been on live journal, but this community used to be such a huge help to me. It's also probably been around 5 years since I last self injured and I didn't think it would be a problem for me anymore. I don't know what's gotten in to me, but recently I've been so anxious and depressed and none of my coping skills are working. In the back of my mind I always think about self injuring again because it always helped so much before. I don't know if anyone still goes on this community or if anyone else has experienced anything like this, but is there anyone else who is going through self injurious thoughts again after stopping for awhile? I just feel like I would be such a huge disappointment if I slipped up and do it again, but if the anti-depressants I just started don't work, I can't think of anything else that I haven't tried :/

Wow7years

I can't believe I'm posting on here again. I haven't cut in 7 years. I thought I was over this. But I am so triggered right now and this is basically my last resort. I don't know what's wrong with me, it's like my brain got rewired again over the past few days. I feel like I have nothing to hold on to to keep me from giving in. I'm just sitting here with a pair of scissors wanting so badly to feel better :(

Newbie

Hey folks, I'm new to your community and I just wanted to introduce myself.
Hello KittyCollapse )

I'm 31, UK, on Disability due to my mental and physical ill-health (former Senior ICU Researcher/Educator)

I've been self harming since I was 8 years old, the only things that have changed are the frequency and the methods.
Triggering - Mentions methods of SHCollapse )


I've had many labels placed upon my head, Complex-PTSD, anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, severe depression, complex-anxiety disorder, and most recently borderline personality disorder (although this is currently being disputed within my psych team - between BPD vs Bipolar II or SH being part of my C-PTSD).

Following the questionable BPD diagnosis I was put onto the local DBT program (the 'gold standard'), only this was their first time running it, and man it was intense! And I no faith what so ever in my individual therapist. I'd be threatened that if I decided to leave the program I wouldn't be able to go back to my previously level of support (weekly psych nurse & dietitian, quarterly psychiatrist), but the people running the program wouldn't listen to my concerns about misdiagnosis, or a worsening of my physical health, so being back into a corner I felt I had no choice but to quit (and I've never quit a treatment before). They went through with the threat, so currently I'm going it alone :s

And needless to say it's not going well!!

Anywho that is waaaaaaaaaay too much talk about myself! If anyone ever fancies a chat please feel free to get in touch or add me.

Stay strong & safe folks x x x
  • Current Mood
    Nervous
she looks good but she's a mess

Introduction.

I'm new to this community so just wanted to do a small introduction of myself.
I have struggled with cutting and burning for most of my life, although I have managed to not do either in almost a year, I have however had some very triggering moments lately. Most of the triggering moments happen when I am fighting with my girlfriend, pretty much, I hate feeling out of control of a situation. I have not been diagnosed, but I am pretty sure I am one of two things, bipolar or borderline. Not having been diagnosed, I am not being medicated either. Not that I agree with relying on medications to get you through life, I think it's about 60% just trying to control yourself mentally. Music, writing and talking to someone you trust is a good way to distract yourself from taking the step to SI. I have come a long way from where I once was and I am here if anyone wants to talk..
the used 2

So, how does this work?

A new relationship; a fresh start.
Someone who makes me laugh, constantly.
Someone who enjoys spending time with me. Someone who makes me smile for the first time in a long time.

Someone who tells me I'm beautiful. And I want to believe him. I really do.
But how can I? I feel ugly.
My scars...how do I even begin?

How do I tell him that, up until two months ago, cutting was such a huge part of my life?
He saw the scar on my thigh, blurred and morphed from cutting over the same spot for so long. He asked what the mark was....I brushed him off.
I want to tell him that it's the same as the scars on my arm. Maybe he's assumed by now.
I want to open up to him. But I don't want him to run away.

I don't want to lose what I've found.

ist

Short Message - Reaching out back

If you're anything like me, and you get down on yourself and cut, I think you need to see this in yourself. I see it in me, and I think it really is, deeply, about SI.

Think you don't care? You care a lot.
That you do makes you cut.
That you don't (when and *if* you don't - ? -) makes you cut.
You cut too much.
Yo! Accidents happen!
Stop.
You are not that horrible a person. I think cutters kinda dislike themselves intensely, maybe even hate?
Pain is not as sweet as love.
Try for love.
Always, and why ever give up on what you want so dearly? Because you worry you won't find it? You definitely won't if you *do* give up...


***


Another day, another message.

Listen, guys. I think I understand us. Why we need to bleed. Why, even those of us who try to stop SH still see red. No matter how hard we try.
We believe it makes things right. Better.
All it does is keep our sorrow to our scars, and we're all "Oh, it helps... - " when we're dying inside.
We might just be fooling ourselves.

Me? Yes I believe it helps, and haven't even really quit to be honest. But I might just not want to see that so ot fguius
sorry.
other, as I was saying, things might help just as much, or better?
  • Current Music
    if only...
ist

A List To Keep In Mind

The path that starts with danger and ends with murder. The murder of myself that is. The path I feel like I want to take. It didn't start out like this. I wasn't suicidal all my life. Till about 12 I was all right.
So since I know the memories I keep are so biased and bent on being the negative ones, maybe I should try and remember the good ones. Take a tour of what makes life worth living, if you will. Here's to all of us:

In no particular order:

1. Waking up to the Cristhmas tree as a kid, the year with the best present you got.
2. Finding your first friend ever.
3. Getting *that* CD.
4. Coming out of a movie with your jaw trailing on the floor.
5. Not being afraid of the dark anymore.
6. The first time you talked back to a teacher. They deserved it ;)
7. Seeing somebody read your favourite boook.
8. Stewie on Family Guy.
9. Nature
10. Hoping Love Can Still Knock On Your Door One Day.

Hope you are all ok! And no, I'm not off to SI I'm ok, it's just that I'm an addict and it has taken over my life, and I literally do nothing all day, and am sick of it. Half the time. So I don't get help because the other half I am ok with it. Like now.

Peace!
- Darcy_Blythe

ps: (I hope we're allowed to post these, tell me if not, just doing a friend a favour.. Hey guys ake a look at this!

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=391207144250115&set=a.383248068379356.77300.109625999074899&type=3&permPage=1

Wonderful Goth contest! Vote for my friend please? Thank you!)
me :)

Dream World

I always live in this dream world were all this pain goes away. I  hate feeling so sad and alone so in this dream world of mine people love me I'm succesful and i'm fun and happy the world is mine. I would rather stay locked in my mind to keep dealing with reality I know i can't do that forever but I have no friends like me and no one to really care for me. How do I get out of this how do I met people to care for and vice versa how do I kick this habit because when i can't run to my dream world i become sad and take on si behavior.
  • Current Mood
    aggravated aggravated