It's been a solid 9 months since the last time I cut.
And it's still a battle every day.
And I'm still very, very afraid of losing control, and liking it.
I'm 31, UK, on Disability due to my mental and physical ill-health (former Senior ICU Researcher/Educator)
I've been self harming since I was 8 years old, the only things that have changed are the frequency and the methods.
I've had many labels placed upon my head, Complex-PTSD, anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, severe depression, complex-anxiety disorder, and most recently borderline personality disorder (although this is currently being disputed within my psych team - between BPD vs Bipolar II or SH being part of my C-PTSD).
Following the questionable BPD diagnosis I was put onto the local DBT program (the 'gold standard'), only this was their first time running it, and man it was intense! And I no faith what so ever in my individual therapist. I'd be threatened that if I decided to leave the program I wouldn't be able to go back to my previously level of support (weekly psych nurse & dietitian, quarterly psychiatrist), but the people running the program wouldn't listen to my concerns about misdiagnosis, or a worsening of my physical health, so being back into a corner I felt I had no choice but to quit (and I've never quit a treatment before). They went through with the threat, so currently I'm going it alone :s
And needless to say it's not going well!!
Anywho that is waaaaaaaaaay too much talk about myself! If anyone ever fancies a chat please feel free to get in touch or add me.
Stay strong & safe folks x x x
I have struggled with cutting and burning for most of my life, although I have managed to not do either in almost a year, I have however had some very triggering moments lately. Most of the triggering moments happen when I am fighting with my girlfriend, pretty much, I hate feeling out of control of a situation. I have not been diagnosed, but I am pretty sure I am one of two things, bipolar or borderline. Not having been diagnosed, I am not being medicated either. Not that I agree with relying on medications to get you through life, I think it's about 60% just trying to control yourself mentally. Music, writing and talking to someone you trust is a good way to distract yourself from taking the step to SI. I have come a long way from where I once was and I am here if anyone wants to talk..
A new relationship; a fresh start.
Someone who makes me laugh, constantly.
Someone who enjoys spending time with me. Someone who makes me smile for the first time in a long time.
Someone who tells me I'm beautiful. And I want to believe him. I really do.
But how can I? I feel ugly.
My scars...how do I even begin?
How do I tell him that, up until two months ago, cutting was such a huge part of my life?
He saw the scar on my thigh, blurred and morphed from cutting over the same spot for so long. He asked what the mark was....I brushed him off.
I want to tell him that it's the same as the scars on my arm. Maybe he's assumed by now.
I want to open up to him. But I don't want him to run away.
I don't want to lose what I've found.
Think you don't care? You care a lot.
That you do makes you cut.
That you don't (when and *if* you don't - ? -) makes you cut.
You cut too much.
Yo! Accidents happen!
You are not that horrible a person. I think cutters kinda dislike themselves intensely, maybe even hate?
Pain is not as sweet as love.
Try for love.
Always, and why ever give up on what you want so dearly? Because you worry you won't find it? You definitely won't if you *do* give up...
Another day, another message.
Listen, guys. I think I understand us. Why we need to bleed. Why, even those of us who try to stop SH still see red. No matter how hard we try.
We believe it makes things right. Better.
All it does is keep our sorrow to our scars, and we're all "Oh, it helps... - " when we're dying inside.
We might just be fooling ourselves.
Me? Yes I believe it helps, and haven't even really quit to be honest. But I might just not want to see that so ot fguius
other, as I was saying, things might help just as much, or better?
So since I know the memories I keep are so biased and bent on being the negative ones, maybe I should try and remember the good ones. Take a tour of what makes life worth living, if you will. Here's to all of us:
In no particular order:
1. Waking up to the Cristhmas tree as a kid, the year with the best present you got.
2. Finding your first friend ever.
3. Getting *that* CD.
4. Coming out of a movie with your jaw trailing on the floor.
5. Not being afraid of the dark anymore.
6. The first time you talked back to a teacher. They deserved it ;)
7. Seeing somebody read your favourite boook.
8. Stewie on Family Guy.
10. Hoping Love Can Still Knock On Your Door One Day.
Hope you are all ok! And no, I'm not off to SI I'm ok, it's just that I'm an addict and it has taken over my life, and I literally do nothing all day, and am sick of it. Half the time. So I don't get help because the other half I am ok with it. Like now.
ps: (I hope we're allowed to post these, tell me if not, just doing a friend a favour.. Hey guys ake a look at this!
Wonderful Goth contest! Vote for my friend please? Thank you!)