I really honestly do. I'm not entirely sure why.
It's been a long time since I've posted in here.
I went nearly a year without cutting, right? And it was amazing. I was happy. Everything seemed to be going very well for me in my life. Then suddenly, my friends started leaving me. For other people. People who were "more fun". People who weren't "crazy". People who didn't have emotional mood swings every other day.
I started contemplating therapy. It seemed like the right thing to do. Researching therapists, I was all gung-ho on this idea. Then, the more I thought about it, the more I decided it's a bad thing. I don't want to go to a "crazy home" (as my mom calls it). I don't want to have to explain to my mom that oh hey by the way I'm a cutter, I lied to you all these years about it. I don't want to have to explain to my work that oh hey, by the way, I just wanna die so you can replace me with someone else now.
So what set me off to cut? Two entirely different unrelated things. The more... pressing, was the 4th of July. I was supposed to go to the fireworks with a bunch of my friends. But suddenly! Everyone decided they were going to go with someone else. My former best friend invited everyone to go with her, she had the almighty ~alcohol~. And I didn't. And then I really saw who my real friends were. And that was no one. I felt so alone. I didn't know who to reach out to, I didn't want people to see me as being an attention seeker because I was crying again. And going to the fireworks alone, it made me feel uneasy and awkward, I felt like everyone was watching me, and it set me off into a massive panic attack. I couldn't handle it.
The other reason has a semi-long story behind it. There was this guy, I fell for him. He was telling me how beautiful I was, how perfect I was. The only thing that stood between us was his girlfriend of 4 years, the one he told me he didn't love. It felt like a fairytale, even though I knew I was setting myself up for disaster. I let myself get wrapped up into this emotional train wreck with him. I asked him to go to the fireworks with me, and he said he couldn't. Completely understandable, he had a girlfriend. Close to the end of the fireworks display, I got a text message. "I'm sorry. I'm choosing her. She's better than you, I'm sorry I lied to you."
Fireworks over. I got in my car. Drove home. Didn't shed a tear. Walked straight up to my room. And cut.
And ever since then, I keep doing it. I've been about two weeks clean, but I'm starting to feel uneasy again. I'm not sure how to not cut. I'm not sure how to let my feelings out. Writing, singing, being with friends, none of this helps. I can't go to a therapist. I can't have someone prodding in my life, and then sending me off to a crisis center, I won't be able to explain that to anyone. My anxiety is rising again, and things just don't seem normal to me anymore. I don't know what to do guys. I feel like I'm running out of fuel, out of life.