chainedflower (chainedflower) wrote in _importunate,
chainedflower
chainedflower
_importunate

purpose

sigh...
i been thinking too much today about life in general. what is my purpose? is it really in my plans to destroy myself for the time i was alotted on this earth? - if so why? why do i feel that i have to put myself thru pain when others have done so much worse than i have in my lifetime and they dont do what i do or even consider it. i sometimes try to picture myself normal but normal is so distorted now. i have no clue what normal is anymore. but really , does anyone know what normal is. who sets the standards for normal? i dont think anyone knows what normal is but we all seem to deffinately know for sure what abnormal is. abnormal is just an opinion i think. what i think is abnormal is someone elses norm and what my "normal" is is something someone else would think to be crazy or "abnormal" life is so confusing and im rambling sorry..... but anyway i was thinking about what i do in my everyday life and i realized its not a whole freakin lot. its very repetitive and predictable. i do the same things everyday. i get up in the morning, work out. i go to work i fry chicken and tators for 8-10 hours and then work out. i come home i write i think i fall asleep (at some point) thats probably the only think that varies from day to day when i fall asleep if i fall asleep. i cant keep a steady boyfriend because that would disrupt my work out time. i want excitement in my life, love in my life but that would make me happy. im afraid of something i want so terribly bad. so then i wonder if there's something else i could do to hurt myself worse to make up for that happiness i could have. like a trade off. what if i cut my calories in half down to 400 instead of 800? maybe then could i stay with a boyfriend? -but what if i become too happy... too comfortable... will i forget about ed? will she disapear? i think thats what im afraid of i want her and a significant other but she wants to be #1 and cant bare the thought of having to share my attention. she wont have that. Cant i have 2 #1's is that possible? i think it could be i just have to be given a chance. - back to purpose-- what is my purpose in this life besides destruction- is that it? i was born to die? This cant be it........
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