I posted two poems yesterday . I was proud that I could still write . But being proud of myself is nothing really . I need someone to be proud of me . I dont even think he has bothered to read what I wrote . And if he did  , no comment ...... 

I am in desperate need of a sign of hope . I need something to help me to believe I am doing what I am supposed to . I feel so disconnected and out of place no matter where I am or who I am with any more . I feel like I have no place . I have no family down here . I only chose to stay for him . I made his family mine  . And last night as we all sat around the table I looked around at all the laughing faces that I had once not so long ago felt a part of , and felt like I was among strangers . I once felt like family . I once felt like I belonged . Now I barely remember the feeling of belonging . 

My life started to fall apart when my mother died . Then a month later he showed up and swept me away to a cloud where I was too far away to think much of anything sad , like my mom . And I think he was the only reason I survived it . I was planning to commit suicide even on the very night I had met him before I left my house I had written a letter to my mothers spirit telling her that I couldnt take life any more . Most of me was serious . And the little part of me that wasnt wanted to go back to Michigan where I had some family if you could call most of them that . But then I met him and for once in a long time I felt happy . I felt hope . I fell in love with him the moment I saw him . And then all of a sudden here I am on this beautiful cloud . I am there for months and I am really blissful and intoxicated by the wonderful , loving , and promising things he always said to me , and then all of a sudden he ripped the cloud to shreds and watched me fall with no where to land . I am still falling a year later . Maybe I am going to fall forever . But I wish he would catch me . Place his wonderful cloud under my heavy soul and let me rest there and heal . Let us be happy again and spend all of our time together on this perfect cloud . Let me die when it is my time upon this cloud . I dont want to die cold and alone as I feel now . And he is the only one I wish to be warm and alive for . Without him I may as well die . I see no reason to live . He is all I had and all I want . He is all I love and all I wish to love . 
  • Current Mood

(no subject)

I'm new so I guess I'll introduce myself...I'm a girl who has had her share of problems and will always lend an ear out for other people because I know that people will do the same. All those other communties have people who judge not help. This is down to earth and honest so I figure what they hey
  • Current Mood
    content content

well mabye this will work

I am 21 i really don't know exactly why i joined maybe it will be good for me i have posted to myself but that doesn't make things better any way. I haven't been in the best of places my daughter was taken from me by S.S two weeks after she was born, Now another county is trying to separate me and my son as well. Needless to say i haven't been up to speed like a normal 21 yr old should be. on top of it all my body's just begun to shut down mostly because of the stress i guess but doctors have begun to worry. I may be homeless at the end of august which really would put a damper on things for both me and my parent's because of it. the truth is i can feel somethings wrong but i don't know what and that scares me. I thought it might be depression but the more i think about it its not that its something else. worse is S.S is really making it harder to get my daughter back. well any ways i hope i didn't bore anyone but thanx i needed to vent.
  • Current Mood
    distressed distressed

(no subject)

Hey, I thought I would join this community and post something... Even though it does not seem very active... I guess I just wanted a break from the pro-ed communities...It just seems that the people who post in those communities are the ones who tend to understand what another people with eating disorders are going through (other people tend to be very judgemental about it). But some of the people I find...are judgemental or are people who are just trying to find quick fixes to shed a few pounds. I thought I was fine, I thought that I was over it (there are still bad days at times) - I gained back the weight... But now that I have graduated and moved back to my hometown in my parent's place, I find that I have come back to it. It is like a security blanket for me - don't think of anything else going on in your life otherwhise you cry, just think of losing weight and concentrate on that. I am just finding it really tough at the moment because I find my parents overbearing (ya, even at 21), and I never really kept in touch with anyone in Ottawa so I do not really have any friends down here. I really miss being up north and my boyfriend and all my friends. I even miss small town northern Ontario (I call it the north, my boyfriend just laughs and says no it is not the north so take it how you will). It just feels so weird because it is like my life is on hold (I have a job but they have to get a contract ready before I can start and I need to save up money to go to teacher's college which will be another while...).

Anyways... I guess this is it. I'm always willing to lend an ear to anyone who needs it... That has me thinking of the Lean On Me song now...
  • Current Music
    John Barbour - Great Big Sea

(no subject)

so i thought id introduce myself.. Im from NJ and Im 22 . I just moved here from boston and i was going to school up there and i grew up in Long Island NY so I don't really know many people here and its really lonely. Anyway I like to build computers and I love music.. I teach guitar here in NJ at two music schools and I play in a few bands around the area.. I also play bass, piano, and drums. I like alot of emo music like bright eyes, straylight run, saves the day, i can make a mess, brand new, tbs, circa survice, nickel creek, etc. Ive been feeling really lost lately I guess and I feel alot of despair for what Ive missed or given up in my life and Im not really sure about alot of things I guess. Im beginning to think that I cant ever make up for the mistakes Ive made.. I just feel like Im headed nowhere and no matter what I do Im headed for loneliness and failure.. I guess Im also lonely so that doesnt help either.. well anyways .. anybody feel free to say helllo or add me .. im always up to talk or listen..

(no subject)

hey guys- i just started this community because i am hoping to get some people together who actually care about what other people post and what problems other people are having. i always find it hard to keep track of tons of LJ friends so maybe all the greatest LJ people can join this community and make it awesome. Feel free to write whatever you want and hopefully we can get a bunch of members!

Thanks guys : )
  • Current Mood
    hopeful hopeful