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Title: Prepare To Be Boarded (or Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day)
Author: elekanahmen aka Cap'n Jax
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: JJ/Emily (First Mate Black Stoli/Jenny Jareau, Governor's Daughter)
Disclaimer - I don't own them, as they're clearly NOT chained up in my closet talking like pirates.
Rating: NC-17 (Arrrr? Haha, get it? Rated Arrrrr?)
Warnings: Smut, Offenses Against Grammar, Excessive Pirate Speak, Role Playing, Light S&M, Preggo Sex, Sex Toys, Crack!Fic, Swearing, Pillaging, Rifling, Plundering, Bad Jokes.
Summary: Emily gets kinky for International Talk Like A Pirate Day
Note: September 19th is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. So in celebration, on and off today, I've been working on this delightful piece of crack. Not crap, crack. All warnings above are applicable, for serious. sofia_lindsay here is your smut, calliopes_muse here is your preggo smut. To everyone else: YARRR ye blaggards! Read it or walk the plank! YARR! (Also, writing this in Word was a trip because it kept trying to correct my grammar. Hahaha)
Reposted for Archiving (Last one i swear)



In a dark bedroom in Washington DC, a phone lit up, dancing in vibration across a nightstand. Emily Prentiss growled slightly under her breath, rolling over to the offensive piece of plastic and metal, snatching it up. She growled again when she noticed the red glowing lights of her alarm clock announcing the time, 5:45. Pressing a button, the screen glowed to life, causing her still-sleep-muddled eyes to wince as she red the words: 1 New Text Message: Penelope Garcia. A grin spread across her face as she read the text message that, seconds ago, had her inclined to throw the phone against the wall. “Arrr and avast, First Mates Prentiss and Morgan! Rejoice an’ answer the cry of the sea and join me, yer fine Cap’n Hack, on the harrowing adventure to bring smiles to the long sullen faces of Agents Reid, Hotchner, Rossi and Jareau. This mission be not for the faint o’ heart, but avast, me harties, ‘tis an adventure you’ll nay soon forget.”

Emily pressed reply, typing quickly on the tiny keypad, wicked thoughts swirling through her head. “Ahoy and yarrr, me Captain. ‘Twould be a privilege—nay, an honor, to serve ye in this most unspeakable of missions. Spare but a moment, I shall begin with haste upon the fair and comely Jareau wench, an’ ye shall see naught –but- a smile upon her lips this day.” Pressing send, Emily set the phone back on its bedside dance floor and slipped out of bed, tiptoeing across the carpet to the walk-in closet, careful not to disturb the sleeping blonde beside her. Once the door closed, Emily flicked on the light, tugging out a handful of the awful silk scarves her mother insisted on giving her each Christmas, smiling at what she planned to use them for. Picking up a scarlet scarf, she quickly tied it around her head as a bandana, quickly adorning two gold hoop earrings after the scarf. Emily kneeled on the floor of the closet, pulling out a box marked Bathroom: JJ’s Tampons and Toiletries. Emily chuckled to herself at her lover’s attempt to keep the movers from finding the good stuff, opening the box, removing some of its contents before folding it closed again, pushing it to the back of the closet. After a bit of fumbling and tightening straps at her hips before tugging on her red silk robe, tying it around her waist. Gathering the scarves, Emily flipped the light switch, slipping back out into the bedroom. She stopped for a moment, admiring her lover, the sheets gathered around her naked hips, her swollen pregnant stomach, soft and pale in contrast to the dark purple bedclothes, her long blonde hair a tangled halo splayed on the matching purple pillowcase. It was almost a shame that Emily would have to wake her up.



JJ whined as she felt hands on her wrists. “Em, lemme sleep,” she mumbled sleepily. When she felt the silk circling her wrists, her eyes snapped open, thoughts racing. ‘Oh god… what day is it…’ “Shit,” she whispered, realizing it was September 19th… just as she thought, just as she dreaded. This was going to be a long day. She looked around the room, trying to determine anything besides the alarm clock that blinked 5:56 in bright red LED but in the pre-dawn darkness, she couldn’t distinguish where her lover was.

Until soft lips pressed against her ear and warm breath was quickly followed by a growl of words. “Ahoy, fair maiden…”

“Come on, Emily…” JJ tugged at her silken restraints. “I was sleeping, you know.” Emily was so getting couched for this.

Emily chuckled lowly, the warmth suddenly gone from beside JJ’s body. “I know not this ‘Emily’ ye speak of, maiden. I am Black Stoli, first mate to the fierce Captain Hack.”

‘Garcia. I’m going to kill her for feeding Emily’s stupid Pirate Day delusions.’ “Black Stoli?” JJ raised an eyebrow in the darkness, the sentiment echoing in her tone. “Been hitting the vodka, baby?”

Hissing in the darkness, Emily—Black Stoli made her way over to the light switch, flipping it up and flooding the room with light, “You insult me, wench, rum be the only drink for a pirate.”

JJ opened her eyes slowly, the sudden burst of light having forced them closed, and she couldn’t decide whether she wanted to laugh at how ridiculous her lover looked with that bandana on or moan at the distinct outline against the silk bathrobe. The moan won out, stumbling over her lips against her better judgment and a smirk tugged at the corners of Stoli's lips. “Mmm a wench as fair as you, I might want to take my time with…” Her eyes flashed wickedly as they traveled over JJ’s body. JJ bit her lip, watching Emily—Black Stoli—make her way slowly back over to the bed, her hands slowly untying the robe, letting it slip in a slow river of scarlet over her shoulders until it pooled on the ground.

Groaning, JJ looked over at the clock, knowing that she would have to play into Emily’s game if they were going to make it to work on time. She sighed and looked back at E… Black Stoli and spread her knees slightly. “I beseech thee, pirate… don’t be gentle.”

Stoli's smirk widened into a grin as she kneeled on the edge of the bed, her fingers running up and down JJ’s thighs, “I didn’t plan on it, wench… pray, tell me your name, that I can shout it to the seas as I take yer booty.”

JJ closed her eyes. ‘I can’t believe I’m going to play along with this…’ “Jenny Jareau, daughter of the Governor of this land.” She moaned softly, feeling her pirate’s lips on her neck and the soft pressure of rubber and silicone pressing against her thigh, a hand gently caressing her breast, another on her swollen stomach.

Flicking her tongue out against Jenny’s neck, Black Stoli growled softly, “Avast… and prepare to be boarded, fair Jenny.” In one swift motion and with little other warning, Stoli pressed her hips into Jenny’s, the strapped on dildo sinking into her heat. She was awarded with another louder moan as Jenny tensed beneath her, her hips bucking up to meet Stoli's. She smiled as Jenny’s mouth, poised to kiss and suck on her neck, stopped short, another moan, louder still, coming from deep within her as she slowly started to pump in and out erratically, fast and slow, slow and fast. Jenny pulled on her restraints, the headboard groaning its protest, as she tried to grasp at her lover. “Ah, fair beautiful Jenny, I am here but to plunder you…” her voice dropped to a low growl, “so you best lay back and enjoy it.” Emily, or was it Black Stoli, winked at her, lowering her mouth to JJ’s nipples, kissing and sucking as she continued her erratic thrusting. One hand braced against the bed while the other journeyed further south, tracing delicate patterns over her pregnant stomach to her thighs before reaching between them, trapping her swollen clit between her thumb and forefinger, pinching and rolling it gently.

Jenny’s head rolled back as she let loose a feral cry, arching into Black Stoli, her hips lifting off the bed, her feet pushing against the mattress as her body ached to touch every inch of her plunderer. The thrusts slowed unexpectedly and Jenny looked up, her eyes meeting her lover’s dark ones, brimming with lust. Her mind reeled, grasping desperately for whatever pirate jargon she could muster, “Please, I beg of you, Black Stoli… don’t stop… pillage me, plunder me, take me… I’m yours.”

A grin spread across her captors lips, and she resumed, moving fast and only fast until the blonde beneath her cried out her name, nearly screaming, as she crashed back into the mattress, her scream drawn out in a moan of aches released. Emily reached up, untying the bonds and leaned over, whispering gently into JJ’s ear. “Happy Talk like a Pirate Day, baby.” She nipped at JJ’s ear gently before standing, walking toward the bathroom.

JJ didn’t move for several minutes, her mind and heart racing, her chest heaving. “Fuck…” She whispered under her breath, her hands trembling in the sheets. She stood slowly, watching as Emily came back into the room, dressed in her suit for work, eyebrow raised.

“You know, baby, I think there’s a dress code at work that you’re not meeting…”

JJ snorted, raising her own eyebrow in return. “Oh, like that bandana is code.”

With a mischievous smile, Emily lowered her tone and winked. “Aye, but Captain Hack would sooner I walk the plank than stand in her presence withou’ it.”

Groaning, JJ went into the bathroom and cleaned up, getting dressed silently. She didn’t say a word when Emily came up behind her and put a three cornered hat on her head. “Now yer a real Pirate, Fair Jenny.”

“Yarr,” she replied, her voice flat and sarcastic.



Hotch paled, looking over Rossi’s shoulder as four of the agents walked into the bullpen wearing pirate hats and bandanas. “David, please tell me it’s not September 19th…”

Rossi raised an eyebrow, turning. “It’s September 19th… Why?”

Nodding at Garcia, Morgan, Prentiss and JJ he spoke slowly, “Because we’re about to be forced to dress up as and talk like pirates.”

Garcia grinned and JJ looked at the two men with a pleading look as Morgan held up two sets of bandanas, eye patches and swords. “Avast, me hearties!” Garcia’s eyes twinkled as she put on her best pirate voice. “It be the crew or the brig. Which shall it be?”

Rossi looked from the crew to Hotch and back. “You’ve got to be kidding me…”

Hotch hung his head, taking the costume from Morgan. “Dave, I wish I was. I really, really wish I was.”

{aye, it be done}

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