This one day in June when I was walking up the stairs to the roof of my friend Greg's rooftop. It was a moment, the kind we tend to lose. But we know. That we had them, or something like it.
It was a fracture in the light, broken in a good way, I can see my sneakers on the sunlit stairs. Making a movie for anteye.com. Film short about the wide gap between the rich and the poor. In LA. And I remember thinking that I was exactly where and when I was supposed to be, just for that textured moment.
I owned it. God owned it. My too-short hair on my non-political head with the sun pressing into it like a spotlight, a searchlight hot and in daylight. I don't know where the road map is. Now. I remember much of what is behind me. I live in the moment in a bad way. I don't know what's before me even in the ways I can control somewhat or how to get there. I feel like I have stopped at the kiosk at a mall with an ad for cellphones on one part and another for a company which involves mutual funds no one in a mall can translate, including me, and the third part of the structure has that colored circulatory system that looks like subway line guides: YOU ARE HERE. Except the HERE has been rubbed away with acetone. So it's just a giant declarative sentence that smugly faces me, both of us mute. YOU ARE. What does that mean? I know I still am. Did you ever find yourself in that kind of place that is not a literal place at all? YOU ARE: who, what, when, where, why? And how, if you want to be more descriptive? All I can do is chew on the whisper in my brain, an envelope without a letter, to an address I have never seen, with the return one in my own writing that says REMEMBER. And I do. I remember that I was. YOU ARE THERE. No, only in a memory. I remember. I was there.
When I created this comunity I co managed it with another person. Both of us have ceased to manage this comunity for atleast 1 and a half years now. Does any one of you wish to manage this comunity for me? promote it and get it more active in livejournal?
I remember when things used to be easy. When I didn't feel alone. I remember when I could talk to people easily, without thinking things that made me stop. I remember smiling and actually meaning it, not faking it. I remember the only face I knew was happy, sadness was a myth. I remember long nights sitting online and talking about things that count. I remember not caring what the world threw at me because I knew I could handle it.
Now all I know is difficulty and lonliness All I know is over analysing and being insecure All I know is faking it not meaning it All I know is sadness, happiness a mere myth All I know is sitting here pondering thoughts All I know now is I can't handle it...
I remember when I wasnt a heroin addict. I rememeber when I didnt have to worry about money or a place to live or where the fuck I was going to find a ride to where ever. I remember being completely content with sitting around not fucked up on anything. I remember when I used to be half way normal. I remember......
I remember when we first met....i shared some of my boost bar with you....i thought you were so nice. I remember asking you for a date, how excited i was when you said yes. I remember asking you to be my girlfriend....when you agreed...the feeling of our first kiss. I remember how proud i felt when i held your hand as we walked together down the street, How good it felt to hug and kiss you in public. I remember dancing with you....you whispering in my ear how you wanted to marry me and be with me forever. I remember you texting me late at night asking me to be with you, me replying..."Be Excited"...Then after driving many miles to be with you, sharing your warmth in your bed. I remember trying to win those stuffed toys out of the "grab-machine" on the pier....spending far more then they were worth, and you having to make do with me as your prize. I remember cooking and eating with you....how good it felt to share it. I remember holding you when you cried...sharing your pain...making it all ok again. I remember you singing to me, the look in your eyes that said you loved me. I remember playing games with you, the ribbing we would give when one of us won. I remember your smell, and the scented friendship bands you gave me. I remember take-aways shared in bed, being your "backpack" as we snuggled and lay entwined. I remember planning our future together....the excitement of it all. I remember you starting to get distant...asking for me to be there when i couldnt be. I remember the fear when you said we had to talk...yet hoping that it would be just a blip. I remember when you said you dont love me anymore....that you needed to be alone. I remember crying and bawling like a lost little boy....set adrift in a sea of pure pain. I remember the three and a half years we have spent together...and for every treasured moment that i have of you....I thank you...With all my heart...Thank you my angel.
I remember when we were 12. I remember how you told me that I was your best friend. I remember when I cried when you first left. I remember how much I missed you when we lost contact. I remember how happy I was when you first arrived at my door with a rose in your hand for me. I remember the breakup and how much it hurt. I remember how much I still loved you and wanted you back. I remember how glad I was when we got back together. I remember still smiling at the past and feeling excited about the future no matte what it brought.
Is the moderator of this community aware that this journal has been indexed? And that makes the members journals subject to view. Even if their posts are public. I think most agree that they'd rather not have their journals indexed.
I remember, about a year ago, when a friend sent me ( thisCollapse )
I thought it was quite possibly the cutest thing ever, and all I could ever hope for. I have to admit, I still think its very cute, and some of it really makes me smile, but not like it used to. Its weird how things change, how different things start becoming more important to you. It's as if I've gotten over some childish fantasy, like I've got a slightly more realistic view of things. I'm not sure if this something to be happy about or not. I'm not even sure where I'm going with all of this... I've been thinking all too much lately.