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03:49pm 03/04/2012
mood: nostalgic
This one day in June when I was walking up the stairs to the roof of my friend Greg's rooftop. It was a moment, the kind we tend to lose. But we know. That we had them, or something like it.

It was a fracture in the light, broken in a good way, I can see my sneakers on the sunlit stairs. Making a movie for anteye.com. Film short about the wide gap between the rich and the poor. In LA. And I remember thinking that I was exactly where and when I was supposed to be, just for that textured moment.

I owned it. God owned it. My too-short hair on my non-political head with the sun pressing into it like a spotlight, a searchlight hot and in daylight. I don't know where the road map is. Now. I remember much of what is behind me. I live in the moment in a bad way. I don't know what's before me even in the ways I can control somewhat or how to get there. I feel like I have stopped at the kiosk at a mall with an ad for cellphones on one part and another for a company which involves mutual funds no one in a mall can translate, including me, and the third part of the structure has that colored circulatory system that looks like subway line guides: YOU ARE HERE. Except the HERE has been rubbed away with acetone. So it's just a giant declarative sentence that smugly faces me, both of us mute. YOU ARE. What does that mean? I know I still am. Did you ever find yourself in that kind of place that is not a literal place at all? YOU ARE: who, what, when, where, why? And how, if you want to be more descriptive? All I can do is chew on the whisper in my brain, an envelope without a letter, to an address I have never seen, with the return one in my own writing that says REMEMBER. And I do. I remember that I was. YOU ARE THERE. No, only in a memory. I remember. I was there.


hello everyone 
06:48pm 13/05/2006
  When I created this comunity I co managed it with another person. Both of us have ceased to manage this comunity for atleast 1 and a half years now. Does any one of you wish to manage this comunity for me? promote it and get it more active in livejournal?  


03:52pm 10/11/2005
  I remember when $10 was too much to use for a chance to make money. I spend $10 on the lottery, this is really no different, except it is ALOT more likely to pay, even if its just your $10 back.

Read more...Collapse )


I'm new... 
07:47pm 21/07/2005
  I remember things too often...some call it a convenience, I call it a curse.
Memories come too easy, but tests and quizzes aren't as easy.

(1 remember | Memories)

I remember.. 
11:01pm 24/04/2005
mood: crushed
I remember when things used to be easy. When I didn't feel alone.
I remember when I could talk to people easily, without thinking things that made me stop.
I remember smiling and actually meaning it, not faking it.
I remember the only face I knew was happy, sadness was a myth.
I remember long nights sitting online and talking about things that count.
I remember not caring what the world threw at me because I knew I could handle it.

Now all I know is difficulty and lonliness
All I know is over analysing and being insecure
All I know is faking it not meaning it
All I know is sadness, happiness a mere myth
All I know is sitting here pondering thoughts
All I know now is I can't handle it...

(1 remember | Memories)

10:22pm 08/02/2005
  I remember when I wasnt a heroin addict. I rememeber when I didnt have to worry about money or a place to live or where the fuck I was going to find a ride to where ever. I remember being completely content with sitting around not fucked up on anything. I remember when I used to be half way normal. I remember......  

(9 remember | Memories)

My treasured memories....... 
01:34pm 11/12/2004
mood: sore
I remember when we first met....i shared some of my boost bar with you....i thought you were so nice. I remember asking you for a date, how excited i was when you said yes. I remember asking you to be my girlfriend....when you agreed...the feeling of our first kiss. I remember how proud i felt when i held your hand as we walked together down the street, How good it felt to hug and kiss you in public. I remember dancing with you....you whispering in my ear how you wanted to marry me and be with me forever. I remember you texting me late at night asking me to be with you, me replying..."Be Excited"...Then after driving many miles to be with you, sharing your warmth in your bed. I remember trying to win those stuffed toys out of the "grab-machine" on the pier....spending far more then they were worth, and you having to make do with me as your prize. I remember cooking and eating with you....how good it felt to share it. I remember holding you when you cried...sharing your pain...making it all ok again. I remember you singing to me, the look in your eyes that said you loved me. I remember playing games with you, the ribbing we would give when one of us won. I remember your smell, and the scented friendship bands you gave me. I remember take-aways shared in bed, being your "backpack" as we snuggled and lay entwined. I remember planning our future together....the excitement of it all. I remember you starting to get distant...asking for me to be there when i couldnt be. I remember the fear when you said we had to talk...yet hoping that it would be just a blip. I remember when you said you dont love me anymore....that you needed to be alone. I remember crying and bawling like a lost little boy....set adrift in a sea of pure pain. I remember the three and a half years we have spent together...and for every treasured moment that i have of you....I thank you...With all my heart...Thank you my angel.


I Remember 
03:55pm 25/11/2004
mood: happy
I remember when we were 12.
I remember how you told me that I
was your best friend.
I remember when I cried when you first left.
I remember how much I missed you when we
lost contact.
I remember how happy I was when you first arrived
at my door with a rose in your hand for me.
I remember the breakup and how much it hurt.
I remember how much I still loved you and wanted you back.
I remember how glad I was when we got back together.
I remember still smiling at the past and feeling
excited about the future no matte what it brought.


02:40pm 10/11/2004

Is the moderator of this community aware that this journal has been indexed? And that makes the members journals subject to view. Even if their posts are public. I think most agree that they'd rather not have their journals indexed.

Could we correct this please?

Thank you!


(5 remember | Memories)

07:29pm 22/10/2004
mood: cold
I remember, about a year ago, when a friend sent me thisCollapse )

I thought it was quite possibly the cutest thing ever, and all I could ever hope for. I have to admit, I still think its very cute, and some of it really makes me smile, but not like it used to. Its weird how things change, how different things start becoming more important to you. It's as if I've gotten over some childish fantasy, like I've got a slightly more realistic view of things. I'm not sure if this something to be happy about or not. I'm not even sure where I'm going with all of this... I've been thinking all too much lately.

cross-posted in personal journal


05:58pm 02/09/2004
  I remember when we were happy and always laughing.
I remember the first time that he told me he loved me.
I remember the first time he ever kissed me.
I remember when he'd call me and we'd talk for hours.
I remember the fear it brought that the phone bill would be so high.
I remember wanting to hold him all the time and never let him go.
I remember all his sweet little nothings he'd tell me after he'd love me for so long.
I remember when we called it off.
I remember how devastating it was.
I remember his voice and the shakes that came after mine.
I remember when we were happy.

Now i just fear the thought of leaving him. I want him to come with me. I want to remember only the good times.


11:17am 22/08/2004
  I remember when life was good. I remember when the highlight of my day was my dad reading Winnie The Pooh to me before I fell asleep. I remember going to 606 donuts every sunday before church. I remember my dress being covered in rainbow sprinkles by the time we got to church. I remember the time I got the orange crush glass in my hand. I remember how both parents cared what happened to me.

I remember the fighting. I remember thinking my parents had split personalities. I remember moving. I remember court. I remember having to decide. I remember my family being ripped apart.

I remember not talking to dad for months. I remember dad going to jail. I remember fighting and yelling. I remember hours spent sobbing into a pillow. I remember looking for happiness in all the wrong places. I remember hospital visits. I remember dad not caring. I remember mom telling me that I was a horrible person.

I remember life not being so complicated.


02:11am 19/08/2004
mood: artistic
I remember Jaison saying how the Toronto trip was the best the Madrigals ever went on, so when I was in Torornto last week all I could trhink about was him saying that.

I remember Ian's room, all so vivid.

I remember when I first moved back to Beckley how April gave me some of her things, and one of them was a broken Pound Puppies zip Vinyl Pencil bag that I loved for years because it was from her.

I remember Sarah Phipps and how she would cut onion grass and we would use it as currancy. The smell always takes me to her house.

I remember Bywood.


11:01am 04/08/2004
mood: complacent

I remember when things were simple.

I remember a world that wasn't so cold and shallow.

I remember thinking I could be anything.

I remember the nights when I thought I was nothing.

I remember why the darkness soothes me.



10:50pm 27/07/2004
  i remember a life before addiction.
i remember how it used to be. being surrounded by friends and laughter and good times.

now all we're surrounded by is pills&powders&and poisons.


I Remember...... 
03:26pm 10/07/2004
  ......the smiles and the laughter, the warm embraces and the passionate kisses. I remember how it feels to be loved and to love without abandon.... I remember and I cherish....  

(4 remember | Memories)

12:33am 30/06/2004
  I remember the day that he finally cracked. It was something I said, and to this day, I can't remember exactly what. But something in his eyes sparked, and he looked at me like he was a ravenous elephant, and I was the last edible thing on earth. He promptly attacked me and began screaming about how I had stolen his jewels, his precious jewels, where were his jewels, what had I done to his family to get the jewels.

Anyone who had been witnessing it would have thought it was funny. People find it funny when someone says something random and completely out of context.

Me? I was scared out of my mind.

He was attacking me. I didn't want to hurt him, but if I wanted to get out of this and get him help, I had to. When help arrived, I was still fighting him and evading for my life. It was disturbing. He was a sweet boy, a mild-mannered boy. Now it was like he was a completley different person. He didn't recognize me by name, just knew I was the thief who robbed him of his precious jewles and did something to his family. He used to be my best friend.

Do you ever expect to be having a fistfight with your best friend, just so he won't hit you first? How many times do you think that one day, you're going to be pushed to the side and watch your best friend be restrained by no less than half a dozen other men, while he kicks and screams and bites? Do you ever really think that those situations will happen?

It was a very unexpected thing.

I haven't seen him since.

He's mad, that one. And not in a light way.


very strange 
02:49pm 23/06/2004
  why am I able to write into someone elses page??  


Updated Website 
02:39pm 23/06/2004
mood: accomplished
Soooo, last year I started a family website to help everyone keep in touch and up to date, THEN school happened and time seemed to disappear!!! Finally I have been back to building it again and have reached the point where it can be displayed. Its still, of course, in construction mode but the vital information is mostly there and some recent pictures too!
Yay, so then this is the place where I can add the more daily stuff without having to change up the whole site.
Things happening this week:
Sue is back home and recovering well. She is exhausted easily, but Jacob and I pray every night for her healing and her strength to come back!! Any prayer YOU can say is a good one!
Fathers day was last weekend. I replaced Jay's St. Christopher necklace that was lost-He really liked that. And I bought Jacob and Daddy matching T-shirts (note to self: get a picture of that. We BBQ'd at Nana's house and relaxed the day away.
Baby Aiden is officially less than 50 days away!!!!!!


Long time ago... 
11:05am 16/06/2004
mood: quiet
I remember when I was a little girl and I had this cute little Smurf two wheeler. I loved that thing. I remember my Poppels, my Cabbage Patch dolls, my headless Barbies. I remember how it was all so much simpler then and how my mom told me growing up was fun but hard. I remember thinking she was mental for that statement. Who would want to be a kid forever? Well now I know....me! I want to be a kid forever.

(2 remember | Memories)

I remember...... 
10:11am 09/06/2004
mood: loved
I remeber so much of my past, but two days ago I found out that it was all literaly a lie. For 17 years what I had remembered wasn't fact.... but crap. I remember a woman who cared for me when no one else would have, I remember the one who helped me through it all..... I remember you my love. Maybe someday I'll be perfect for you...

~Mystic Bane


remeber that? 
10:17pm 04/06/2004
  I remember when we used to laugh at the thought of us being together or even kissing! I remember when we would hold hands..and let go real fast when we thought someone was looking..i remember when we would kiss and it meant something and how it felt when you said you hated me. I remember when you said sorry, and your face when I told you I forgave you…i remember the feeling of when we kissed again, and I remember how much I regret it now.  


02:27pm 03/06/2004
  I remember what it was like in the beginning when I trusted you with my feelings and my heart. I remember knowing you were perfect for me. Now all I remember is the angry words you've said to me.  

(1 remember | Memories)

12:07am 05/05/2004
  I remember when i was a little boy, i would try very hard to please my dad, he would show no interest in me, avoid me, ignore me, and would always be angry. I remember waiting for him to come home from work, i could tell what mood he was in by how hard he shut the front door, how he spoke to my mum about what was for dinner, i would play on the floor and either stop and go to a corner of the room or carry on, depending on his tones. I remember when sometimes he would bring home a new toy car for me, i remember wanting a hug from him...

I remember when he came to see me in a rehab, i was asked what is it you want to say to your dad, i said i loved him and wanted him to love me to, just for who i am no more no less, i remember the hug...the tears...i bawled like a little boy. I remember him crying for the first time ever, i remembered when i was a little boy...

(2 remember | Memories)

08:39pm 01/05/2004
mood: contemplative
I remember when times were easy, and I loved who I was.
I remember when I trusted.
I remember when I forgave.
I remember when I looked up to you.
I remember when I respected yo
I remember when there was hope for a better tomorrow.

(2 remember | Memories)

10:37pm 30/04/2004
  does anyone remember?  

(1 remember | Memories)

05:25pm 28/04/2004
mood: headache...
I remember when I felt like trying. I remember when life was full of meaning. And most of all I remember the day it all started.


11:05pm 26/04/2004
mood: awake
i remember peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
that night we stayed up talking
and the way you held my hand and made me feel so safe
and today we said "I love you" for the first time
and it was outside the cafeteria and i felt like i was fifteen
and not quite twenty
and you are the one that i know i will adore for some time to come
today we are in love
and i know i will always remember this monday in april
for all the days to come


to see you to touch you.... 
06:44pm 19/04/2004
  I remember when this deep void was full of completeness and pure happiness.I remember when I was a child and everyone I loved was still here...  

(2 remember | Memories)

you used to read me stories 
02:19am 19/04/2004
mood: nostalgic
I remember, just a few years ago, finding a place that time hadn't seemed to touch. Every year, around the same time, I would reflect back on the death of my first friend. One year, it got to be overwhelming. I had been having a hard time as it was - I didn't like who I was, I didn't want to remember what I was beginning to remember again, and I couldn't seem to do anything about it. So around that time, I just burst out of the house in the middle of the night, not caring if anyone would be worried and not knowing when I was going to come back. I climbed the hill behind our house. I ducked behind trees, trying to find some place where I felt alone.

I found it. Before I knew it, I had rediscovered a place that held many more memories than I wanted at the time. A small cliff, overlooking the town, with trees and streams everywhere. Beautiful. At first, I didn't realize what I had found. I just looked around me, taking it all in. I felt more alone than I had in a while, and the strangest thing was, I didn't mind. Usually I hated being lonely. But then I found I wasn't lonely - just alone. There's a big difference. And as I saw this, I remembered what the place was. Years ago, I had stood at the edge of that cliff with that friend, talking about nothing and watching the clouds pass by.

In fact, it was almost too familiar. Things looked exactly the same. And I just went back in January - nearly nothing has changed about it. I sat up there for hours, just a few years ago, coming to terms with myself. I analyzed it all out - why didn't I like myself anymore? What was wrong with me? And at the end of it, I found one reason that was linked to everything I had been feeling lately. I slashed through it, willing myself to be me again. The best part is, it worked.

The place holds a very wide range of memories. When I stand off to the side of it, I can almost see the different Caitlins from the past there. I see me as a little kid with Daniel, with my dad at the first snowfall, catching frogs in the stream, then years of blankness. And then finally, there's me at 11 years old, sitting at the edge of the cliff with my head between my knees. I'm happy to be who I am today. I'm happy to look back on who I was, as well. And that place - the place that time doesn't touch - seems to be the key reminder of who I am.